Stand up for Me

Term's Ended

2011-11-26T23:27:00.003+08:00

So my school term has finally ended. It's been rough in weird ways.

I had an ankle over-pronation. So can't run the Stan chart marathon. Nobody wants to take my place for free though haha.

Not being able to exercise and getting sick so many times this semester- that's something that I had not dealt with for some time. Ever since army I'd been rather strong, so this semester has been trying in that way. Kinda like I had quite some frustration with school work but no physical outlet to vent it on.

My trip to Israel has been approved. So, God-willing I'll be able to go. I'm rather aware that it may or may not materialise, because of the volatility of the region. Those are risks that I accepted when I put down Israel as my first choice and I will live with the consequences, and on a prayer.

Some things that happened this Semester

I had quite a lot of projects. This one is from a Human Capital Management Module. I learnt a lot from that course. This semester has been one in which there were many JIT projects- Just In Time delivery. So we worked late into the night the night before the presentations to get things done. Very crazy and scary in a way- on retrospect, because when you're in the midst of it you're too tired to be scared. But I guess that sometimes that's just how the group dynamics is, and sometimes the presentations can turn out to be rather unexpectedly good?

I felt that this semester, I had quite a lot of favour from fellow students and lecturers and help from God in many ways. I felt that I did well in many of the classes. But one thing I just need to keep remembering over and over again is 1 Corinthians 4:7 which says, "For who makes you different from anyone else? What do you have that you did not receive? And if you did receive it, why do you boast as though you had not?"

Any blessing I ever have is from God. God gives and God can take away as well and I would do very well to remember that. God had taken a lot of this success away from me when I was in my NSF years. I can see how He moulded me. Now, I am increasing in success in ministry and in my studies again. Tomorrow God might choose to take it all away. Will I be able to handle it? Can we handle God's discipline?

Or when we are blessed, can we handle the blessing? So often I come close to forgetting that all I have is given me by my God. One thing I really believe is that since I belong to God, and all of me is God's, then it follows that all I have- my finances, my time, my relationships. All these belong to God. Yes, I still have a long way to go in so many areas, but God changes me in His time.

Okay, we're setting up Alpha Course at SMU. This is something I'm really looking forward to, but won't be able to attend the whole thing cuz God-willing I'll be over in Israel. I've really enjoyed myself planning stuff with the Alpha Core Team this semester and I really thank God for all of them. It's been a joy serving with them. And since the team is half made up of my university seniors, I think I will be missing them very soon.

This is how I looked like in the Crusade room one day. Probably before or after a presentation, a FT lesson (Finishing Touch- a module to do with interview skills/ resume skills etc.), or some company talk. This semester I've been growing fat. But I guess that I need to stop chasing perfection in life, but chase what God wants for me. Because those two are not necessarily the same thing.

Took a course called Facilitation and Counselling in SMU. One of the coolest courses around. It's pass/ fail, but you really learn a lot of things and you do so really for the joy of learning (which is something sorely lacking from the education system given that much of the studying done today is coupled with the chasing after of grades). In fact, I was doing a presentation in class one day, and I met my co-presenter like at the start of the class. I was asking around for so-and-so and it was really quite hilarious. Like, "Hi, I'm Tai Yong, nice to meet you. We're presenting together in a few minutes time".

Okay, this was my group from Campus Crusade Freshmen Orientation Camp, before sem started. The irony is that not many freshmen come anyway. I guess there are just too many camps to go to. The good thing about this camp is that it's really very relaxing, though.

On a side note, I always thought that the name Campus Crusade for Christ is rather offensive. Always wondered why Bill Bright chose that name. It carries very negative connotations, especially to Muslim friends, I feel. I mean, how would we feel if there was a Campus Jihad for Allah? Something to think about. Just like how the original meaning of Jihad was supposed to be positive but was tainted by extremists and fundamentalist terror groups, the original meaning of Crusade is positive, but was tainted by various misdeeds done by the Crusaders of the past.

But oh well, as it is, what to do for now? Heard they're changing the name to "Cru". And I don't know how that's any better. Cuz people will just ask "what's the meaning of Cru?" and then here we go again...

Two and a half months before Israel

This is a period of my life I won't have again. There are so many things I want to do. A few include completing some Research Assistant work for Pol Science, learning Hebrew, preparing for Israel, handing over my kids to the youth ministry, spending some time with old friends before flying off, trying somehow to find a way to exercise, playing the guitar a bit, going to a couple of camps... etc.

I am loathe to waste my time on stuff like computer games. Yet sometimes it's so attractive and addictive man. Have deleted them all from my com for now, and hopefully I'll be able to fill my time with meaningful stuff.

And oh yes, have been learning and trying how to cook. Something I really enjoyed in this period of time that I was not able to exercise. Cooking was some kind of outlet for frustration, since I couldn't run.

Okay time to turn in for bed already. Tomorrow (rather, later today) my class teachers and I will be doing Open Sunday for two sessions. Looking forward. Topic is on hearing God's voice.

Just thinking

2011-10-12T21:08:00.003+08:00

Just thinking, I haven't really been posting much on this blog lately.

Partly because I've been spending more time on Facebook.

Just wondering when I go over to Israel... should I keep people posted via Facebook or via this blog?

This semester has been good. Full of lessons from God. Full of humbling experiences in which I am shown how much I need to rely on God rather than my own strength.

Start of School

2011-08-16T21:55:00.002+08:00

Well, a rather slow start to school.

Had a night class yesterday. 7 to 10p.m. Thought it awesome. Today was Finishing Touch. Quite good. Have yet to buy any textbooks. Maybe tomorrow. Have yet to do any work. Maybe Thursday.

Read Imaginary Jesus by Matt Mikalatos. Excellent book. Gets one thinking. Really does.

Night time ramblings

2011-08-08T00:10:00.001+08:00

Sunday

And so it was a rather eventful day on Sunday.

Woke up feeling that I didn't want to go to church but anyway I went. And Joel and Chris came down for a while for lunch.

And then went to play soccer with the guys and was supposed to watch Captain America, but it was too late. At 10p.m. all that was left was this show called Twisted and it was something we didn't want to catch.

So had supper with Enos and Jeremy Leong. And at Cafe Cartel it's 50% off after 9p.m. for snacks and desserts, so eh, actually quite good leh, plus free flow of bread and water.

My NS Days: Stories of God's Faithfulness in the Army

Yes, so that's the full title of the book that we settled on in the end. Am still awaiting news from the church regarding the NS book. We started somewhere last February, so it's come a long way. If I had known it would have taken so long, I might have had second thoughts about starting. But on retrospect, I'm glad we did.

The Possibility of Change

Today I wondered; would it be an idea to go to a different church for a change, a different ministry perhaps. Just something different. Perhaps after I do I might appreciate what I presently have better (if only for that reason). Honestly, I don't really rule that out. It's really quite possible what. I've been in this church all my life. I've been in this ministry close to five years.

There are two ways to go about it. One is to do some long soul-searching yadda yadda which I've always done and probably will do. Two is to well, just change like that, snap. Well there's a three, to explore.

Of course years back I might never have taken such views, but now, it's enticing. Of course, things may not be better elsewhere blah blah blah. Yeah probably heard it all.

The most important thing of course is what God would will. Which brings me to a slightly interesting question.

Does God have an opinion?

Does God have an opinion on every single thing? Could it be possible sometimes that it makes no difference to God what we choose?

For example, does it make a difference to God whether I have an apple after my lunch or a pear? Does it make a difference to God whether I choose to carry a brown sling bag to school or a grey backpack? The most mundane choices in life. Does it matter to God if I decide to eat my fries first or my burger?

It would then occur to one that it is possible that with the freedom of choice we are entitled to, there are many things in which it really probably would not make a difference to God what we choose.

Would God happen to have an opinion on what church I go to? And then oh-of-course that's different, there's such a big impact on life, church affects so many things in a person. Quote scripture Hebrews: Not give up habit of meeting together, I point out that it doesn't say "church"... dum dum dum.

Like can I have something different.

The Israelites asked for a change, promptly got quail and were made to loathe it and become sick of it.

I'm like having a debate with myself hor.

That's all for now.

Wandaro

2011-08-01T23:59:00.009+08:00

It's just one of those nights where I'm pondering my purpose in life. I've been reading a couple of good books this season. There's Living Water by Brother Yun, there's Fire on the Mountains, about the beginning of the Ethiopian church, an old book. There's the Elijah Task, which is another rather ancient book. Also thumbing through an abridged version of Matthew Henry's commentary on the four gospels, LKY's Hard Truths and some travel books on Israel.

One of the most inspiring stories I've read is from Fire on the Mountains. It is of a man named Wandaro: " Wandaro was living proof of the wisdom of God. Men would have passed him by, for he had none of the outward marks of leadership." Wandaro accepted Christ circa 1930s. In matters of literacy, and grasping of an Ethiopian alphabet, he seemed utterly unable to comprehend. Often, the missionary, Mrs. Lewis, would notice him, head bowed in prayer, asking the Lord for help to learn just one more letter. He did learn to read fairly well, though never fluently.

Wandaro

After the missionaries had been driven out of Ethiopia by the Italian authorities, Wandaro was persecuted with the rest of the Wallamo (a tribal area in Ethiopia) church. He was singled out for fiercer persecution. He was whipped publicly, almost to the point of death.

Wandaro with his children

"Then with hands tied behind his back, Wandaro was driven... back into the town. There, before anyone else could intefere, Dogesa (a local chief intent on breaking Wandaro's spirit) grabbed Wandaro by the beard. He shook Wandaro's head with violent rage, pulling some of his beard out by the roots and leaving his face torn and bleeding.

"Now, will you give up the white man's God? Now will you give up your faith?"

"No!" gasped Wandaro, "No, never! No! Why should I give up my faith?"

Again he was beaten. Watching helplessly, Wandaro's friends hid their faces and his companions cried.

Between the lashings Wandaro managed to say to his friends, "Christ was buried right in the ground, ground like we stand upon. (Tai Yong's note... wasn't Christ buried in a tomb carved out of rock? But okay, pedantic corrections aside)... Why are you afraid? I am not afraid. Why should you weep? I am here."

"Who has taught you to be so strong?" Dogesa was still angry but puzzled.

"The missionaries taught me!" Wandaro replied clearly and strongly.

"The missionaries have gone," cried Dogesa. "Why trouble now? They aren't here to help you and strengthen you."

"That's very true, but the God who sent them is still here. It is not the missionaries I am serving. It is God whom I am serving. God is the One who has saved me. It is God who planned my salvation. It is He who is with me right here. It is He who now strengthens me. It is not the white man. It is not the missionary."

Furiously Dogesa ordered Wandaro taken back to the market to be beaten again. This time five men were ordered to beat him in turn while he lay flat on the ground. They started about three in the afternoon. As one man tired another took the whip. When darkness came they were still whipping at intervals.

... and the various floggings and physical punishments continue in the book. Wandaro is imprisoned for a full year, released and sought for to be imprisoned yet again.

Eventually, Wandaro went into hiding.

"Even in hiding, his deep and abiding faith was like a rock upholding those who had found Christ through his testimony. Hundreds of his neighbors and countrymen looked to him as their leader and guide. Possessing few of the more easily recognizable characteristics of leadership, the beauty of Wandaro's life is the unanswerable proof that God "hath chosen the weak things of the world to confound the things which are mighty; and base things of the world, and things which are not despised, hath God chosen, yea and things which are not, to bring to nought things that are:" In Wandaro, God had a man, all of him, nothing held back, totally available, obedient. "

We often say things or present ourselves in such a way that people will have good impressions of us. The knowing smile and the subtle hint of intellectual superiority. The intentionally accidental slips of tongue or "by the way"s that reveal to others our impressive human credentials. The modest "oh it's really nothing" and for Christians, the "all glory to God" thrown in for good measure. Really, who are we deceiving? So many times we are not really interested in giving glory to God. We are interested in giving glory to ourselves. God is brought into the picture as a side story. A side character that shows how humble and modest we are to give credit to another while we are so great.

In Wandaro, God had a man, all of him, nothing held back, totally available, obedient. This is the line that really made me sit up. It touched me deeply. God is not interested in our human credentials. He is hardly impressed by the things we have done or what our human potential can accomplish. The only credentials He desires: Is this a man/woman, who is given to God? All of him/her? Nothing held back? Totally available? Obedient?

I'm trained in SMU, a school where the holy resume and sacred self-presentation are highly stressed. This is so important in the workplace. But God's eyes pierce through the human frailty of a beautiful facade. They make me feel almost uncomfortable as they search my inner being and my very thoughts and attitudes. Am I given to God? All of me? Nothing held back? Totally available? Obedient?

When I see people succeeding in the corporate world; this person or that person getting a coveted scholarship or position, what is my first thought? Is it a thought of jealousy or pride? Is it feelings of less self-worth? It is often when such thoughts come that the Holy Spirit reminds me, perhaps just like how God spoke to the prophet Samuel, that "God does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance. God looks at the heart".

All of me? Nothing held back? Totally available? Obedient?

Work today

2011-06-14T21:30:00.003+08:00

Work these 2 days have been very tiring in a whole new way. Handed my job over and now dealing with people issues, resistance to change, unhappiness... etc. Well, not the first time I've had to go through that. Also a few other issues with NSmen, with ministry-related issues, with walk-related issues.

Makes life easier that I have a very caring boss at work. I'm learning a lot from her.

Nonetheless, work is still tiring. A new job scope for the next few weeks means I have to start all over again.

Will I miss work once I'm done? I really don't know.

Today, I actually utilised a half hour of my lunch break. We normally eat in-house here and I've never really taken much of a lunch break before. So today I walked around the estate a bit (till I found the part which had the most wind) and spent that half hour talking to God Most High. And it really helped me so, so much.

Phone broke down. Started breaking down last night. The call button, disconnect call button, cancel button and options button broke down two at a time, then one at a time. So I now have a new $0 phone with a renewed plan. So much for my plan to "drag" my current phone's lifespan till year's end.

My brilliant plan to wear my shoes till year's end, on the other hand, is on track. Well, halfway there at least. They spoilt and I glued them back. Has lasted longer than I had expected.

Have not attained full recovery of health. Foot still a bit pain. Think it could have been a contusion. Either that or an impact injury. Walking long distances still hurts. But it's getting better slowly. Hope I'll be up and literally running next week?

Dear God

2011-06-14T21:16:00.003+08:00

Dear God,

I can't stand ungrateful, self-righteous and argumentative people. I hate it when you've done so much to help them and then they turn around and scold you, sometimes behind your back. They seem to have forgotten virtually everything you have done for them. But they're still quite nice to everyone else. I also do not like unforgiving people who use unkind words on others, who bear bitterness in their hearts and deep resentment in their actions.

How God, do you even put up with me?

Psalm 118:8

2011-06-13T21:45:00.002+08:00

It is better to trust the Lord than to put confidence in people.- Psalm 118:8, NLT.

Ultimately man will be man and God will be God. So let man be man and God, God. So often we expect of others and ourselves more than what can be expected of a human being. We ask ourselves why this person or that person has failed us time and time again. We ask ourselves why we fail time and time again. We get disappointed, frustrated, agitated.

But man will be man. And John 15:5 says "I am the vine, you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit. Apart from me you can do nothing." NOTHING! Apart from Him I can do NOTHING. Apart from God, man can do NOTHING. You see, God has terribly low expectations of what we can do without Him. Perhaps we should begin to share that same expectation.

And what can we do with Christ in us? Oh I tell you, His word says we can do EVERYTHING. For John 14:12 says "I tell you the truth, anyone who has faith in me will do what I have been doing. He will do even greater things than these, because I am going to the Father". And Matthew 19:26 says that with God ALL things are possible.

Man is mortal. Man dies. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. But God will not fail and has never failed. Often, we expect so little of God. I say that because we turn to Him last in our desperate situations, as if He were a last resort. See, we can never expect too much from God, only too little. If anything, we can expect wrongly of God- and that happens when we cry out for great things to be done our way. It does not matter if those great things are to be done in His name. As long as we want it our way, there is no reason for God to grant that request.

But God does great things His way. At our place of surrender, when we discover our limitations and the severe futility of trusting in man, we learn the greatness and omnipotence of the Most High.

And so I find myself being brought back to that place of surrender. The place of Bohpianic submission and humbling.

Running.

2011-06-12T22:07:00.003+08:00

I most want to run when I can't run. I most want to run NOW.

What do I run for? I run because I like how it makes me feel. I run becomes it gives me a certain sense of freedom. I run because it's me. I run at my own pace. I don't run too fast and there are so many people better than I am.

I want to go Stan Chart 2011. Perhaps I shall try to train hard for it this time. Perhaps. But then. I gotta get well first.

I am not making too much sense.... blame it on the medication.

Two days at home

2011-06-12T21:34:00.002+08:00

So I got sick somewhere between Thurs night and Friday morning. Perhaps I got sick before that already. I never really know these days. And on Friday I had green mucus and phlegm. (Sounds like Green Eggs and Ham right?) So I went to work, handed some stuff over and came home.

Saturday and Sunday I was home. I don't like being sick. I even missed CM. And felt quite bad about it really. Having to hand over stuff so last minute. And having to not see my kids there.

Internship has been going good. Been able to facilitate a relatively smooth handover of some of my duties to an incoming personnel.

Many things on my mind recently. Of life, NS Book Project, work at internship, ministry, work at internship, people, work at internship. extra taskings in Crusade. Really kinda tiring. Good to take a break by being sick, actually. Makes me think that a good leader must make sure that systems are set in place to run without him or her. Systems must not be built around people. Good leaders leave a legacy. They leave a functioning machinery able to work years after them.

These last two days have been weird. Taking this anti-running nose medicine. And that makes me drowsy. Plus I've got this weird twitching thing in my right triceps. It's like a muscle there keeps twitching. Wonder whether it's got anything to do with medicine or that I'm just so concerned with so many things.

I wonder whether this had to do with a certain prayer a few days before that went, "Lord, I really need a break man..." Is there an undo function to prayers?

So I'm going back for reservist soon. And I started to call up my men to find out more about their lives and how they are doing. Well, we'll see how it goes.

Closing thought for the day. Isn't it such a "dangerous" prayer when we ask God to teach us obedience, faithfulness, humbleness and trust? Throughout history and through the bible. Such lessons most often come through adversity. Yet when all pain has borne its fruit I think it should be worth it.

Tired from medication. Right triceps twitching. I suppose it's trying to tell me that it needs a workout desperately because I haven't exercised much for weeks and I feel quite awful and lousy and sorry about myself today. Haha. What a wallowing-in-self-pity-no-pride comment.

Good night all. May there be no people making noise and drinking alcohol in the nearby void deck tonight. They make it so much harder for me to sleep.

I blame this weird doesn't-sound-like-my-normal-blogging post on my medication. I blame everything on my medication.

Internship and other updates

2011-06-08T23:02:00.002+08:00

Internship is going along fine. Though some days I feel really drained at the end. I get back home about 8 or 9 plus and I don't have much strength left to do other stuff. But still, I really thank God.

Am very much looking forward to Crusade camp.

Also just had a very good chat with one of the guys from my NS unit. Very encouraging chat. My first in-camp is coming soon. And I really thank God for it. I've called up most of my men and started chatting with them and finding out how all of them are doing before the in-camp. I could have just smsed them, but this time I want to do it differently. I really want to be the kind of inspirational, God-fearing and strong leader that I think I often wasn't for most of my NS.

When I left my unit two years back during ORD, I could not wait to get out through the gates and head home. Over the last two years, God has been working in my life over many different issues. I want to overcome my reservist days in full surrender to God. That being said, I understand that it may not be as easy as I'd expect. But here we go.

Long run today. :)

2011-05-19T21:24:00.002+08:00

:) Am very happy cuz I completed a long run today. I think it was between 18 to 20 klick. Ran from my workplace in Bedok near Jeshua's place out the park connector to Changi area, Tanah Merah MRT down to Bedok, Kembangan, Eunos MRT and then turned right towards Ubi, Defu and Hougang.

Kinda slow though.

I doubt I will repeat this run anytime soon. One of the smellier runs I've been on. Fresh air only at the start when you can sniff the sea breeze. Then it's quite a bit of exhaust. At Defu I got to smell all the factory fumes again. Yikes.

Just thought that I really really like running. Though I'm not a really good runner. I'm not a talented runner. I'm just a disciplined, happy runner. Heh. But oh well I still enjoy it man.

Sundown marathon beckons.

Vesak Day

2011-05-17T20:19:00.002+08:00

Okay it's a holiday.

Past four weeks or so have been very busy at internship. Quite a lot to learn- it's been an exponential learning curve. But I'm quite happy here for now.

I've been wondering what I'll do for the rest of the hols. Especially after internship has ended. The NS book project is in its final stages. I really hope to finish it during this break.

This morning I just put in my application for exchange, with Israel as my first choice. I've been praying about it for a darn long time. Since somewhere last year I believe. We shall see how it goes.

I decided not to start with the YA cell anytime soon. Just too much stuff to do. I even stopped BSF because I felt I was being loaded with too much stuff. Last year around March I was quite burnt out from too much stuff in CM. I even grew tired of attending church camps. I don't want to become like that again if I can help it.

Today I went for a run. I think it was somewhere between 8 to 10 km. I don't know why I've fallen sick like four times this year already- which is a lot for me. I don't often fall sick. So I haven't been able to run much this year. Sundown is on the Saturday night after next. Hopefully I'll be fit enough to enjoy most of it. I do hope that the quality of this year's Sundown is better than the last. I didn't go last year but the papers were filled with complaints about it.

At least one thing I'm looking forward to this holiday is the Crusade camp. 25 to 27 July.

Before that there's reservist though. I was feeling a little bit apprehensive about it. But after working here in my internship place I kind of feel that God is preparing me for that. Life in my internship can potentially get quite tiring some days. And sometimes the pressure mounts for my job cuz any mistake I make can be translated into mistakes by the kitchen staff and drivers and dissatisfied hotels. I sort of expect reservist to be less stressful than internship. Haha. We shall see. I've forgotten a great deal of army stuff, having had no revision for more than 2 years.

Okay, I know this post has no focus at all. I'm just offloading a whole bunch of updates.

This semester I did very well for my studies. And I'm just so amazed. I thank God and give Him all the glory. One firm belief I now have is that life in uni is not about my GPA or grades. It's not about building up a solid resume. It's about serving God. And I want that to be my focus for the next half of my uni life.

Moment of the week. Old testament review of just last Sunday.

Me: "Name Abraham's sons"

One of my kids: "Errr err... James! John! Steven!"

Updates

2011-05-05T21:19:00.003+08:00

Okay. One moment I was so concerned about an internship and now I am up to my neck in one. Thank God that my kor gave me a good lead. I've been interning there for two weeks now. It's in the F&B industry. The back-end. Does pastries and kueh for five and six star hotels. I'm quite enjoying it. But there's so much to do.

My average OT is 2 to 3 hours. I guess it's partly because there's really a lot to do and partly because I want to make sure I'm doing a darn good job.

My life these couple of days is really like the military again. Like wake up at 5:30 a.m. to work out and run (there's Sundown in less than a month and I am hardly ready!). Then leave for work by 7:30a.m. Then work work work till about 7p.m. Come home at about 8 to 9p.m. Then 1.5 hours of time to spare. Sleep at 10:30p.m. and start all over again.

My job now is really interesting. Getting to see lots of workings in an SME. Got to be very street-smart cuz there are many dishonest parties out there. Also I'm often in the middle of long exchanges between my bosses, the kitchen staff, the clients and the suppliers. Heh. Reminds me of Porter's Five.

He Never Sleeps

2011-04-15T14:27:00.004+08:00

It was a normal day in the life of the infantry. The sun was up and it was about noon time. We'd cleared most of the stuff we'd planned to do in the morning. So there we were in the urban training facility in our combat gear, taking a well-earned rest.

One of my Christian friends lent me his MP3 player and I started to search for Christian songs. And this is the song I played. I almost cried when I heard it because it reminded me that God was still watching over my every activity back then in the army.

How does this song apply to me now? It reminds me that God is Lord of everything, just as how Thomas exclaimed, "My Lord and my God!". I got yet another rejection for internship earlier this morning. Would really have liked that job. But then I began to think and medidate on God's word. And truly, it's during times like this when one begins to trust in the Lord. We are tested on whether we really believe in Romans 8:28. That all things will work for our good.

I should receive news for another internship result by today. Realistically speaking I don't think I have that one either. But 1 Peter 5:7 says to cast all my anxiety on Him because He cares for me. I teach my children in CM such stuff. Now's the time for me to practice what I preach.

On School

2011-04-15T09:07:00.001+08:00

Today I finished my second-last paper in school. It's been a tremendously satisfying semester. Even though it's not been very easy, but I have enjoyed every subject I took this sem. Also made a couple more friends here and there.

There's still a reply for internship that I'm waiting for. I went for two interviews this Tuesday. One has four candidates and the other three. Not sure if I can get any of those though.

I guess that it's also been an emotionally complicated semester. Lots of stuff.

Other thing is that I realised that I need to overcome my fears and worries regarding NS. Even though it's two years back and God has brought me through all that. Yet sometimes I still kinda dread going back for reservist. Once in a long while I still have dreams regarding my NS days.

Sitrep

2011-04-10T22:50:00.002+08:00

Exams next week. Been some week. Back to studying tomorrow. Had a good day talking with Trent, Jing Yang, Jeremy. I'm kinda frustrated and I really want to let it out by exercising. But I don't think I'll be able to do it for a while. I kinda fell sick again last week.

A Long Day and a Wake

2011-04-08T21:18:00.004+08:00

This is about yesterday. I suppose that the setting for this entry is the 39th Psalm. Everyone seems to love the 139th Psalm. Verse 14 is especially encouraging: "I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." Well the 139th Psalm has a lesser known, less popular cousin called the 39th Psalm.

"Show me, O Lord, my life's end and the number of my days;

let me know how fleeting is my life.

You have made my days a mere handbreath;

the span of my years is as nothing before you.

Each man's life is but a breath.

Man is a mere phantom as he goes to and fro:

He bustles about, but only in vain; he heaps up wealth,

not knowing who will get it.

But now, Lord, what do I look for? My hope is in you."

- Psalm 39:4-7

Yesterday was quite productive. I like productive days. I managed to work out in the morning (after finally forcing myself back into a routine of sleeping before 12a.m.). Did some light upper body and then went for a short run. Then I went to school to carry out some interview for a module I'm taking. That was followed by a lesson. From about 4 plus p.m. till 9 plus p.m. I was at one of my kid's mom's wake. She passed on due to cancer.

It kinda reminded me of last year. Around February to March, I was at the wake for another kid's dad, who died in a car accident. I had two trains of thought going on last night. Firstly, I was so blessed by the life of this kid's mom. So many people stood up to give eulogies telling of how they'd been blessed by her life and character. Prior to the service I was sitting there with my kid doing homework. (He was doing some English assignment and I was trying to revise Marketing 101). We ended up playing the tap tap revolution game on an Iphone. And I noticed that he still seemed rather joyful. In fact, throughout these last couple of months of lessons, I'd never noticed anything amiss about him. I would never have suspected that his family was going through all this.

Secondly, I was thinking about the 39th Psalm. When I shared with some Crusade friends that it says "Show me O Lord, my life's end", they were like "REALLY? Does the bible really say that?" And y'know what, last night I wondered about my life's end. I wondered, what will people have to say about me after I die. The ancients in the bible. They were always very concerned about their legacies. It was always a great thing to be told by God that they would be "made into a nation". I would like to think I'm roughly a third or a quarter through my life. And that too depends on how many more years the good Lord provides me. What am I doing with my life? I mean, yeah, I'm studying and that's good, but would I be focusing too much more on transient things than on eternal things? So yesterday was a long day and I still felt tired today. But at least I got to do a lot of thinking. I think I got a bit wiser.

Reading my journal... And How We See People Just two nights back I was reading my journal. I've been writing in it intermittently for the last two years (before that, since sec.2- but I wrote quite regularly back then). And I saw some entries as far back as 2009, the year I ORDed. I realised that there have been some big changes in the way I think, act and see things.

In Organisational Behaviour, we often learn about things such as Implicit Person Theory, incremental and entity theorists. In other words, people often come to a general conclusion about someone quickly. And we are often very self-assured that we are right. How often have you heard someone declare that, "This person is very stubborn/nice/impulsive/kind. I know because I have worked with him/her before on such and such a project." We often put people in a certain mould. I have put others in moulds before and have had the same done to me. We all have. But we often forget that there are two things that often render our views only partially correct. There's context and there's time. People behave differently in differenct contexts. If you were to ask my army colleagues how I was back then you'd probably hear some stuff like I was a disciplinarian, I was rigid, by the book... etc. You'd probably also hear a couple of nasty stories about me being selfish/nasty/indifferent/distant. Perhaps you might get to hear one or two nice things about me... just perhaps. That was me in the army context.

Then there is time. People really do change over time. There could be third factor. The third factor is God. Because of God's work in our lives, we often change a whole lot over time as we surrender to God. The way we react and think change a lot as God changes us. So I guess the point here is that we have to be careful not to have a single, non-malleable opinion of people. They do change. For better or for worse.

NS Book Project I realised that every time I mention the project to a contributor/ editing team member, the comment is always the same. It is, "it's been taking quite long ah". I got that comment from a contributor at the wake yesterday as well. So yes, it's been almost a year and two months. Yes, we're still working on it. I really wish it could be faster than this. But the good thing is that as this project has dragged on, I think we've grown wiser and more experienced in life. And I think we're a whole lot more mature in thinking than if we were to have pushed it out last year. I only hope that it'll be out this year.

Hopefully before my summer break ends. Hopefully. Faith, hope and love. But the greatest is love.

-

2011-03-28T10:42:00.002+08:00

Birthday Notes

2011-03-22T19:48:00.002+08:00

Last Friday was my birthday.

I don't really bother that much about birthdays.

Played around with my Facebook birthday date, just so to see what happened. True enough, all those "Happy Birthday"s didn't come in, until after a birthday card application spoiled the whole social experiment.

But I thought I'd do something I hadn't done for some time and went for a substantial morning run. Roughly 8 klicks.

Then it was off to school for lessons. Stayed in school till about 11p.m. plus doing CAT.

Saturday was record-setting. Started doing CAT slightly after 9a.m. Found myself still debugging stuff at about 1a.m. on a beautiful Sunday morning. Slept at about 2a.m. Then went to church, unexpectedly had to do the lesson (but yet, enjoyed it thoroughly because God provided the message), settled some NS Book stuff. Then I found out that a friend's grandma had died on my birthday. Went down to view the body, talk and all. Then, in a very tired state, got home and promptly resumed CAT at about 7p.m. Finished at about 11p.m.

Monday was the CAT presentation and I was so tired and full of headaches.

So I went home.

Today is a Tuesday and I am very busy with Pol Sc stuff.

Woke up by Accident

2011-03-17T06:40:00.002+08:00

Well, it's 6:40a.m. as I type this. Worked till about 12:30a.m. on the CAT project this morning. Was supposed to sleep till about 8:30a.m. (y'know, sorta reward myself with good rest). But I have woken up by accident (needed to pee) and then decided to check my com for some file transfer stuff I'm doing (to pre-empt com crashing- don't want to lose all the work done this sem).

I've been very productive these past few days. Really thank God for that. Oh yeah, and went for Street E on Tuesday. I actually don't go for such stuff. It's like I feel that the best way is with people you already know- and somehow it feels more correct cuz you really have to be living out the right type of life... etc. But anyway, I'd been asking God what He wants of me in my time here. He didn't tell me to go for Street E but I just volunteered for it anyway. There's this thing that some other Crusaders have been talking about. They call it prophetic evangelism. Something like you pray for God to show you a picture of who you should be sharing with and then you write it down and then you go around to find that person... My skeptical mind is bashing up the idea but somehow it sounds interesting... Perhaps one day should try.

Okay since I'm up I suppose I'll do my morning stuff (sit on the throne, read papers etc. ). And then maybe some early QT. And after that maybe I'll get back into my bed. Got a lesson at 12p.m. but if the weather clears up, I might be able to fit in a run and some sort of a workout. (Very happy that I managed to start exercising a bit on Monday and Tuesday!)

Sick again...

2011-03-06T22:01:00.003+08:00

I'm sick again. I do not like to be sick. I detest the fact that I cannot exercise. I do not like to see myself becoming fat all over again.

It is only when adversity or any ill-event occurs that we are filled with wonderment that we were not any more thankful in the past. In a way, it's good that I've been sick for about a week. There is so much to thank God for because I have had so many months without falling sick.

So today I was in church only for CM. Cuz it was my lesson and I didn't think it fair to get someone else to teach at the last minute. Lesson was okay lah... didn't go too well by my expectations though. Was supposed to go some place for a friend's birthday party but had to rest at home. Spent some time reading Pilgrim's Progress. The archaic English is at times tiresome. There are occasional gems for me. But I just want to finish what I began. Almost there.

Mid-terms are over and there are now a whole lot of projects to do. But then again... only four weeks before the end of the term. Well, I've got to find some internship too. But we'll see how I guess. Haven't been successful yet.

My dear NS Book Project is still in the works. It has been in the works for an extremely long time. It's like an airplane design that has already materialised, except that it's in the hangar awaiting its pilot testing. Now if we can just get it to take off for its pilot testing.

Hmph. I'm staring at the dumbells across from me in the living room. Miss them. Exercise, when I am sick, seems so pleasant and nice. It's kind of like my de-stress zone. I'm not super fit, but I love it. I'd like to play more soccer if I could too. But can't really find people I guess. Tertiary education already. No longer like primary or secondary school days when soccer buddies were just a phone call away.

Perhaps being sick forces me to learn to rest. I've watched more TV this week than any other week for a long time... Something I haven't done since perhaps JC or before. But of course it's not something I want to do long term. Not productive. Perhaps something like playing the guitar more would be a worthy alternative...

Okay. Back to school tomorrow.

Al iz well- From "3 Idiots".

Lasagne

2011-02-26T22:32:00.002+08:00

Here's my first attempt at lasagne. And I think it went pretty well. But I got the top wrong though. The top layer of flour became hard. But thank God everything beneath turned out okay. Had Jeremy and Caleb over last night for a sleepover.

Then we watched "Three Idiots", a Bollywood show. And it was an awesome show. Like, really really really good. I was so impressed.

Okay there's the lasagne.

There're the two guinea pigs. The third one took the picture.

This week I tried to rest a bit. Last Sunday was Young Adults games day. Then Monday was DG day out. So I got a little bit of exercise. Quite enjoyed myself. Tuesday- Project. Wednesday- Study. Thursday- Projects. Friday- ENOUGH OF ALL THAT- Took a break. Today- Break. Tomorrow- Sabbath.

So for this season I've been trying to take a break and rest in God. Most of the time I've failed terribly. But yesterday afternoon and today were good at least. So that's a start.

School is such a mad rush these days. Especially since I have CAT. I never actually thought it would happen to me... but I feel that I'm not having the same amount of passion for God's word these days. It's almost like Egypt's famine. That right now the food supply of scripture I'm relying on is all that I've stored up in the past. I've not been memorising much new scripture lately. I'm like being sustained by all the past memory work.

Not been exercising as much as I'd like to lately. Hmmm. Should try harder perhaps.

Going to church tml. Looking forward.

Here's an extract from Bunyan's Pilgrim's Progress:

"... Nay, stay, said the Interpreter, till I have showed thee a little more, and after that thou shalt go thy way. So he took him by the hand again, and led him into a very dark room, where there sat a man in an iron cage.

Now the man, to look on, seemed very sad: he sat with his eyes looking down to the ground, his hands folded together, and he sighed as if he would break his heart. Then said Christian, What means this? At which the Interpreter bid him talk with the man.

Then said Christian to the man, What art thou? The man answered, I am what I was not once.

Christian. What was thou once?

Man. The man said, I was once a fair and flourishing professor, both in mine own eyes and also in the eyes of others. I was once, as I thought, fair for the Celestial City, and had even joy at the thoughts that I should get thither. (Luke viii. 13.)

Christian. Well, but what art thou now?

Man. I am now a man of despair, and am shut up in it, as in this iron cage. I cannot get out; oh , now I cannot!

Christian. But how camest thou into this condition?

Man. I left off to watch and be sober; I laid reins upon the neck of my lusts; I sinned against the light of the World and the goodness of God. I have grieved the Spirit, and he is gone; I tempted the devil, and he is come to me; I have provoked God to anger, and He has left me. I have so hardened my heart, that I cannot repent.

Then said Christian to the Interpreter, But are there no hopes for such a man as this? Ask him, said the Interpreter.

Christian. Then said Christian, Is there no hope, but you must be kept in the iron cage of despair?

Man. No, none at all.

Christian. Why, the Son of the Blessed is very pitiful.

Man. I have crucified Him to myself afresh. I have despised His person; I have despised His righteousness; I have counted His blood an unholy thing; I have done despite to the Spirit of grace (Luke xix. 14; Heb. vi. 4-6; x. 28,29): therefore, I have shut myself out of all the promises, and there now remains to me nothing but threatenings, dreadful threatenings, fearful threatenings of certain judgment and fiery indignation, which shall devour me as an adversary.

Christian. For what did you bring yourself into this condition?

Man. For the lusts, pleasures, and profits of this world; in the enjoyment of which I did then promise myself much delight: but now every one of those things also bite me, and gnaw me like a burning worm.

Christian. But canst thou not now repent and turn?

Man. God hath denied me repentance. His Word gives me no encouragement to believe; yea, He himself hath shut me up in this iron cage: nor can all men in the world let me out. O eternity! eternity! how shall I grapple with the misery that I must meet with in eternity?..."

Don't we often find our own cage and shut ourselves in?

Reason

2011-02-20T23:28:00.002+08:00

The reason I haven't been posting much is that it would sound too depressing. But things are getting better, so hope to post more uplifting stuff soon.

Last couple of weeks, I had lots of exams and all. But been through most of them. I guess that one thing I really want to do in the coming week is to spend some quality time with God.

CM was very enjoyable for me today.

Suck it in and grin

2011-01-28T21:58:00.002+08:00

There's this thing about being a guy. I know that guys always think that girls are vain. That they care so much about how they look. And yet guys are vain in their own way. Guys are meant to be tough. To look strong. To show neither fear nor trepidation in the face of danger.

The same goes for now. I feel that in many ways I am sucking it all in and grinning. Yesterday I studied pretty much the whole day. Was doing CAT (That's Computer as an Analysis Tool) yesterday, as well as some Managerial Decision Making and Marketing assignments and readings. Started at about 10a.m. Tried to catch a nap at 5p.m. but they started to do some drilling work just outside my house and I couldn't sleep. And then late at night, not being able to sleep on my bed, I realised that I'd burnt out.

It does help to remember the things that God has brought me through in the armed forces. There were quite a few times this week that I told God, "Lord, I really can't take this anymore". Then I remembered a certain navigation exercise overseas that I thought I couldn't go on anymore but we just kept pushing on and on. There was more than one Christian in the group and we kept praying and praying for God to help. I remember what God has brought me through and realise that I CAN go on. With prayer, discipline and determination.

So how? Suck it in and grin. The grin must stay there but somehow the inside will change. Either that or everything will collapse. Everything will not collapse so keep grinning.

How do I feel now? Alone. Should attempt a morning run tomorrow. One, two, three of my toenails are dead or dying though. So might have to tape them up. Yes, perhaps that makes me sound tough. Suck it in and grin. The outside, tough as steel, indifferent and not the least concerned about the world. The inside, numb.

When the going gets tough, as they say, slow down but keep going. I know I am alone but it is okay because I know God has not abandoned me. Loneliness is an old friend. Though I do not always enjoy its accompaniment, I have grown to understand that it makes me stronger.

In other thoughts I started reading John Bunyan's Pilgrim's Process today. It has proved to be a good read so far. Somehow it helps me to relax.

There has been some talk recently as to how ministry workers should be careful in their conduct, that they not stumble other people. It is true that we are not to stumble other people. Yet I cannot help but wonder at the superficiality of such a measure. For isn't it true that we are somehow hiding something when we say that we cannot fully express ourselves in order not to stumble our sheep?

It is weird sometimes how as Christians when everything is wrong, we just throw in Christian-sounding words and then not do anything about matters.

But as I have always believed, when burn out comes, take a break. Something must give. And let that be me giving myself rest. If not, something else will give.

Think I've said enough.

I wrote in my diary last night that I feel like punching something up. Today I laughed at myself because I know that it was pretty silly statement. I can't fight. Can't even throw a proper punch, I gotta admit. The last time I punched something... when I was in primary or secondary school I tried punching the wall and regretted it for about a week.

They're Sec 1s Already

2011-01-08T22:27:00.003+08:00

I miss them all. Of course, there are a couple more not in the picture.

I was concerned that the guys would not like the colour scheme of these boxes so I spent quite a while deliberating on whether to buy them. I let the guys choose first (most of my class consisted of girls). In the end one of the guys picked pink. -_-

The significance? Salt and light of the earth, as per Matthew 5:13-16. Coffee beans- cuz if you put an egg, a carrot, and coffee beans in boiling water, after some time you'll find that the egg becomes hard, the carrot becomes soft and the coffee bean remains quite the same. And what's more, it changes its whole environment with its flavour. An old story.

Got the boxes at Tecman, the plastic from SKP, the light bulbs after a hunt at the electric stalls near Heartland Mall and the Coffee Beans after walking through the Kovan Wet Market. I had to buy at least 100g of coffee beans, so if anybody wants the rest... let me know. I sorta figured out the little plastic bag looks best with only 7 beans. Anymore and it looks too packed together.

So tomorrow I get to have a day of orientation with my new class of Primary 6s. Here we go all over again. How do I say it? I miss my Sec 1s. And yet when I look at my new class, I feel glad. It is a positive type of deja vu, if there was one. It starts all over again. Same yet different.

What does God have in store this year?

School started last Monday. Quite a hectic first week. Many thoughts.

Christmas Eve post

2010-12-24T19:45:00.003+08:00

It's Christmas Eve and I'm just thinking of some of the stuff that's happened this year. Just in that reflective mood again. I like it that I don't really have much to do these two days, except to finish a short 1000 word report on HR. I'm already done with 600 words or so, so the next 400 should come quite easy.

I've been to Children's Camp, Spiritual Milk (the baptism class for Pri 6s) and YPM Camp. I've benefitted from all three and quite thoroughly enjoyed most of it. I'll miss Crusade Camp, but then somehow I guess it's good that I take a break from all this Christian stuff. To be honest, I think too much of camps and all (unless God calls one to take it all on) is a sure recipe for burn out. You get tired with what you should be enjoying the most.

Yesterday I was out playing soccer at the cage at Kallang with some of the church guys. Then we went to old airport road for dinner and a long chit-chat. As I headed home all I could think was, "hmmm... it's finally beginning to FEEL like the holidays."

This coming Sunday will be the last Sunday I have with my Primary 6s. You hear correctly if you sense a tinge of sadness. Well, I've prepared stuff to say a proper goodbye to them. And if I have time, I'll share it here after I give it to them.

So next week I'll be going back to reservist for just two days. It's nothing much, really. Just some briefings and IPPT and cohesion. But to be perfectly honest, when I first received notice that I had to go back (well, it was unofficial notice, only 3 weeks before, when it should have been 3 months), the first feelings I had were feelings of fear and dread. Of course it did not help that it was 2a.m. on the morning of 5 December and I was to run the Stanchart Marathon at 5a.m.

But over these past few weeks I've been reflecting on how God has always brought me through. All the fears I have in every situation are truly irrational because I forget to put the fullness of God's sovereignty into the picture. And so yes, I shall go back in prayer and with the right attitude.

If you're wondering, the NS Book Project is still very much alive. It is alive... and crawling. Crawling cuz as always it's been a bit slow. But we are still working on it, by God's grace and on a prayer. Though it's been a long wait and still is, I think the process and the lessons learned through it are worth it.

A quick post before I wash up and hit the bed

2010-12-11T22:59:00.002+08:00

Been having Spiritual Milk the last three days. I really really enjoyed the time I spent with all the Primary 6s. I truly love being with them. But being with Primary 6s is always slightly... bittersweet? Because they mature and then you grow so close to them, especially toward the end, with PSLE and children's camp and Spiritual Milk. Then you see them promoted to YPM. Some will stay. Others will eventually stop coming to church. It's been that way since my time. That was a decade back. Really aches my heart when some stop coming, but by then I have another group of children to look after and I can't run after so many people. (Though sometimes I wish I could keep calling all my kids from past years and make sure they come back to church and attend YPM stuff and all).

But of course, I'm physically tired right now. I guess there are the people who say that they're physically tired but spiritually refreshed. Perhaps that's true. But I've come to think that if I'm spiritually refreshed and allow myself to keep getting more physically tired (especially when rest is possible with proper planning), it will some how or other lead to the spiritual part being compromised.

(Right, my thoughts are slightly disjointed now. Hope they're still doctrinally sound. Will check them again if I have the time).

Lots of stuff going on. Might have some project meeting on Monday. Then Tuesday is IPPT. For which I have not trained. And the way it looks, I don't think I'll be training up for it at all. Had hoped to do a little speed training but have not been able to find the time. Wednesday to Saturday is YPM Camp. I'm kinda looking forward to just being a camper and receiving God's word and all.

Then a week or so of rest. Then I have a call-up. That one I'm slightly miffed because it's late, informal notification. Disrupted some plans. But then again I guess it might have its benefits.

And yes, quite sure I want to do Sundown Marathon. I wonder why myself. Perhaps it's because I like to run. Perhaps it's because I'm seeking something for a sense of adventure. And since I haven't been doing outdoor stuff for a while this is the next best thing? Hopefully it keeps me in shape.

Okay, last two disjointed thoughts of the day. (This post is like someone changing TV channels real fast. Everything is not linked).

1) Sometimes we talk so much about stuff in church that we leave God out. Sometimes we talk so much about the faults of others that we forget to remember that we should be talking with God about our own faults. Ultimately, I feel that unless God leads us into doing so, we should focus only on the proverbial plank in our own eyes. After all, that alone already takes up so much time. And I think that the thing about other people is just to love them (the hard part) and leave God to the changing of the person (which we try to do ourselves at times. We get the order wrong.)

2) Okay, this one makes sense to me now. (I don't know if I'll have to tear it apart tomorrow, but here goes...) No biblical reference as of yet, because I'm really quite tired at this moment. Sin, as they say, is independence from God. Trying to do things our own way and not accepting His ways, His words and His plans right?

So, how can ministry become sin? It becomes sin when we do ministry apart from God. We sin when we try to achieve things for God without His help. (Once again, I'm not too sure about the semantics and all, but this is just a developing thought. So DON'T take it too seriously for now).

Okay. Sleeping soon.

Stanchart and oh... I remember the toads

2010-12-05T22:10:00.005+08:00

Yes, I finished Stan Chart today. But was rather slow. Because my running buddy got an ankle sprain. And he started limping from about 32 to 34 klick. We finished the first 21 klick running. I think we were at about 2.5 hours. Which is a slow, comfortable, steady pacing for me. Then we slowed down and ran-walked. Then his ankle started to get worse and worse. And then we had to seek medical attention, get the ankle wrapped up and stop once in a while. Worst part was when he was limping up slope.

Yeah, poor thing. But respect him for finishing. I think we took slightly more than 7 hours. A horrible timing, but it was a good experience and looking back, if given the choice, I would still have done it.

Then I had to walk back 1.5 to 2 kilometres to get our baggage from F1 pit building. Don't know what the organisers were thinking, to put the baggage collection point there when the race ended at the Padang.

Haha. My running buddy was commenting at about 38 klicks that he would never do another marathon again but by the time we got on the taxi he was considering Sundown Marathon. Hmmm... I'm thinking about Sundown now. Perhaps, perhaps.

Oh yes, forgot to mention one of my major achievements in camp. Catching two toads on the first night! First one was fairly easy. Gideon told me about it and then I caught it with a plastic bag. Wasn't sure what it was (still not very sure). As in, frog or toad, so always better to use plastic bag. Makes sure I don't get poisoned. =P. Second one was tougher. It was making so much noise inside the drain. I had to almost camp outside the drainage for 20 minutes before it emerged and I grabbed it. The way to catch such animals is to sort of corner. The difficulty comes from the fact that they are slippery and slimy.

I believe they're toads. But not entirely sure. See, frogs have smooth, green skin. Toads generally have bumpy skin.

Uh yeah, this is how a frog looks like. Can touch. Not poisonous. Will smile at the camera if coaxed- by a scary looking guy with a set of white fangs.

The other major achievements are bathing in an outdoor shower while it was raining (though the changing back into dry clothes part was tricky) and getting stung by a bee on the second night. That was quite an experience. (I keh kiang lah. Had caught a bee earlier in the night which was without a sting. I assumed that the second bee was the same bee. It wasn't). So I have now officially been bitten by a bee. (I was bitten by a python a couple of years back and also by a grass snake I was playing with two years back). Hmm. Perhaps God gave me those teeth for a reason. Maybe I should bite back at anything that bites me.

So yes, you can see why I thoroughly loved this campsite. (Boys Brigade Campsite at Sembawang). But unfortunately almost everyone else hated it. What a pity.

Children's Camp

2010-12-04T16:39:00.003+08:00

My fantastic group.

Okay, CM camp is now over. I'm just so glad for all that God has done in this camp. And hopefully I'll be able to keep close to God even after this camp.

My group's guys on the bus ride back to church. Two peace-loving boys. And two constantly at war. Guess who they are. I was quite tired by then because I'd been fighting a sinus back flow and a little bit of a sore throat. But I had two capabale leaders so it wasn't a problem at all.

Tomorrow's the Marathon. Wheee. Looking forward to it.

Exams start tomorrow

2010-11-21T21:59:00.002+08:00

Exams start tomorrow for me. I've got four papers in three days. So please do keep me in prayer!

God is so faithful

2010-11-14T22:30:00.002+08:00

I'm still digesting a lot of the things I've been learning these past few days. God is so faithful, so awesome. I really can't comprehend why He chooses to accept me and reach out to me even in my ugliness.

God has been faithful to show me stuff about so many of my doubts and concerns. He's lifting me out of problems and issues and hurts and discontent, no matter that I got myself into a lot of it by my own folly.

I'm learning once again to look to God in prayer for every single need. To trust in His provision.

Holidays Approach

2010-11-06T23:24:00.002+08:00

Holidays approach. One more week of school before it's the study break. I've started studying and I really thank God that I've managed to do so.

I'm thinking about what's the meaning of life and all man. Yeah, I know, I know. I'm a Christian and all that. And God is the centre of my life... etc etc. I'm supposed to be really thankful for everything God has given me. I should be... but I'm just feeling more and more jaded with so many things in ministry, in life. Thinking about some stuff that I perhaps should not be thinking about.

What happens when one starts to get really jaded? Isn't church the worst place to get tired with? Like when you're tired with outside life you can go to church and seek God and all and make things right. But what happens when you're tired with your church? What happens when it feels as if no one is around to encourage. When you don't feel valued?

Of course, issues with the church and issues with God are two very separate issues aren't they?

Then perhaps it is time to go somewhere else for a little while. Perhaps not permanently yet. But perhaps a change of environment just to recoup.

I think I should stop right here. I do prefer to post more uplifting stuff, but yet I do want to allow a little bit of my frustrations to show. I don't want to fake it.

P.S. Most of the questions asked here are rather rhetorical, on retrospect. I AM able to answer them. I know the answer as to what to do when I get jaded. I know to seek God and do stuff that I enjoy. I understand the right thing to do when one is tired with church. I understand what steps to take when I don't feel that valued- and that's just to simply make sure that my walk with God is okay and that I value those around me. I know God is there for me. Though somehow sometimes I do feel that it would be nice with people actually there to pick me up.

It somehow feels quite nasty at times. Yet I've got so much to be thankful for. Yes, I know I know.

On a lighter note, Stan Chart is coming soon and I'm hardly prepared. I think I'll just somehow run a bit and walk the rest.

It's a Sunday

2010-10-10T21:30:00.002+08:00

"Pop Piano".

That's a piece of rather pleasant sounding music on my Sony Ericsson phone. Pleasant at any other time of the day that is, except when it wakes me up in the morning.

And so I awoke to the awfully irritating crescendo of "Pop Piano" at 7a.m. today. The first thought that came into my mind sounded something like:

Lord, it's a Sunday, but I don't feel like going to church. I feel so very tired. Last night I slept at twelve and a couple of guys in the void deck drinking beer kept me awake for at least an hour. Besides, I don't know what's the point of me going to church today, anyway. What am I going to learn at the sermon that I don't already know?

And besides, I'm not the one teaching my kids today. Yeah, I know I have some Children's Ministry meeting... but Lord, I really don't want to go to church today.

Why not I sms them and tell them I'm not feeling well? After all, I really DO think I'm not feeling well today Lord. I think I'd better take care of my body, Lord.

And so that was what I thought about from 7a.m. to 7:25a.m. 7:25a.m. is when I dragged myself out of bed. And if I were someone else I would have almost slapped myself. What nonsense- full of excuses.

So I got ready for church. Somedays as I walk through the carparks to the bus stops I take my time to admire the trees and the cool of the morning and talk to God. But today I didn't really care. I was telling God that I really have to focus on Him once again- that I can't stand a mediocre walk with God. But that truly, I kinda feel insufficient. And alone.

Well, I made it to church pretty much on time.

The communion passage was Romans 5:1-11. It was about being justified by faith... and suffering producing perseverance... and so on. (I find it so very interesting that I've got so much scripture stored up in me through years of reading God's word that once somebody starts off on a verse, I can often tell where it is, and at least the geist of it. Even more curious is the fact that I can sometimes start rattling off perhaps the whole verse or paragraph- and then I go something like my goodness, I know all this but I'm not living this out!)

My feeling at that moment of realisation can often be summed up in Luke 12:48. "But he that knew not, and did commit things worthy of stripes, shall be beaten with few stripes. For unto whomsoever much is given, of him shall be much required; and to whom men have committed much, of him they will ask the more"

The sermon was a video screening from an American church. The central theme was the greatness of God as seen through the size of the galaxy and various scientific fact. And I was rather blessed by it.

Went for free food at coffee fellowship. Emphasis is on the word FREE. Chuckle.

Sat through Children's Ministry. PSLE English, Math, Chinese is over. Science is tomorrow, then HMT.

Then went for a Children's Ministry meeting.

In short, I'm so very glad that I came today. I wasn't thoroughly refreshed, but I was made conscious of God again. And this consciousness of God is something that I simply have not been able to ignore all my life. It is a pleasant melody in the face of affliction and tough times. Yet it is also an irritating buzz that keeps growing louder when I start to turn away from God. I have never been able to deny its reality for too long.

Perhaps sometimes all we need is simply to come into the presence of God; to sit down and listen. For those who have experienced the power of God before, perhaps sometimes we need to remind ourselves who it is that we serve and what He has brought us through.

I've tried living a life without bothering too much about God before. I've also been in seasons where I've walked closely with God. And I conclude that there's nothing I'd much rather do then walk closely. It's so much harder and less peaceful not to walk with God. Every step of that way is heavy, unnatural and increasingly lacking in peace.

So figuratively, I guess that in my walk with God, I am just getting out of bed again. It's about time.

Break Week

2010-10-09T10:28:00.002+08:00

Have spent quite a bit of time resting this week. Doing stuff like watching Movies... etc. I caught Detective Dee on Tuesday. Then I went home and watched a classic movie, White Fang (an apt description of my teeth)- but no, it's about a wolf-dog hybrid. It's based on a novel by Jack London. Very nice movie.

On Thursday I watched Tora, Tora, Tora. Which is something I should have done years ago. It's another classic, this time on the attack on Pearl Harbour. Loved it because it was quite true to historical fact. Hated it when I watched the movie "Pearl Harbour" two years back. That was quite trashy.

There will always be schoolwork anyway. So yeah, I guess I need to relax.

Went for a few more runs too. Shins feel good, even after more than 10 klicks, so I guess they've recovered.

One thing I realised is that I don't feel very good if I have absolutely nothing to do. I set aside one or two days this week to just rest. I felt so weird. But I guess it's good and much needed.

Feel So Sleepy

2010-09-19T22:23:00.005+08:00

Hmm. I'm feeling sleepy right now. But I guess I should update this.

On retrospect it's been a rather long weekend. Came to some decisions in my life this last week. Also managed to spend a lot more time crying out to God in prayer. So I guess that's good. It amazes me how God can use a situation to draw one closer to Him.

It's kinda like the 73rd Psalm, which I taught my kids today.

Hear this part from verse 21 to 28.

" When my heart was grieved
and my spirit embittered,
I was senseless and ignorant;
I was a brute beast before you.

We often get angry at God don't we? Or we get bitter or grieve in various situations. We rave and rant against the Almighty. But what does Asaph say here? He says he was senseless and ignorant. That tends to happen when we allow our emotions in a situation to be so strong as to rob us of time we can spend waiting on God.

Yet I am always with you;
you hold me by my right hand.
You guide me with your counsel,
and afterward you will take me into glory

But yet God is still there. He guides by His right hand. He guides with counsel. Just as Isaiah 11 makes mention of the Spirit of wisdom, understanding, counsel, power, knowledge and fear of the Lord. The Holy Spirit. The Paraclete. He guides us. Our counsellor, comforter, advocator. He who comes beside us to help us.

Whom have I in heaven but you?
And earth has nothing I desire besides you.
My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever.

And God alone will satisfy. Nothing else. Neither friendships nor relationships, wealth nor power, good grades nor societal achievement.

Those who are far from you will perish;
you destroy all who are unfaithful to you.
But as for me, it is good to be near God.
I have made the Sovereign Lord my refuge;
I will tell of all your deeds."

It is just so good to be near to God, to trust Him in all situations.

God can teach us so much through our situation. If only we listen.

Alright. Photo time. Here's some stuff I got for my kids before their PSLE. Which, if I remember correctly, is October 6 onwards.

And yeah, got my editing team together today. Thank God for Lu Jia, Felicia, Wei Ren, Trent, Jingyang.

And just one last picture before I knock off for today.

The power of punctuation. This could read: "Strictly no parking. Offenders will be referred to the traffic police".

Or it could read: "Strictly no parking offenders will be referred to the traffic police".

Heh, saw this outside Tanjong Pagar MRT. Was going for a Don Carson talk with Project Timothy. Glad I went for it.

Reliance on God

2010-09-11T22:06:00.002+08:00

This week was yet another reminder of how I can rely only on God.

I was feeling rather frustrated on Thursday night. I didn't manage to study on Thursday night. I wanted to, but ended up playing the guitar for about three hours straight. I was also kind of frustrated with a lot of other issues.

So I was kneeling by my bed, praying just before I slept. In my frustration I asked God what He was teaching me in this. I was asking Him, "Are you trying to teach me about trusting in you, Lord?"

And I just received this word from God. This understanding. It wasn't so much about trusting Him (I mean, yeah I should be, but that wasn't the main point). It was about joy.

With that, I remembered 1 Thessalonians 5:16. About being joyful always. I remembered having had a discussion with my Primary 6 kids on the difference between joy and happiness just last Sunday.

So I received God's joy and peace. And I felt so much better after deciding to be joyful. I can't fully explain this. But when I claim God's promises, all the worries of this world no longer have a hold on me. All uncertainties are no longer a bother and all frustrations can no longer hinder my joy. God is in charge. I'm so relieved to have God's joy and assurance in each and every situation.

Attended a Young Adults session last night. Had fun. I'm encouraged by the YA ministry in church.

This weekend was rather productive in terms of studying. I also managed to squeeze in some planning for the NS Book editing, and began to write some letters to my Primary 6s.

A swim

2010-09-02T22:49:00.002+08:00

Went for an excellent swim this morning.

And did most of my morning prayer in the pool. Really enjoyed myself.

And then, strolled over to a coffeeshop for lunch. Then strolled home, strolled to bus stop. Went for project meeting. Then played Monopoly Deal in school. First time. Haha. Took me a while to start eh.

Came home. Studied for a while. Then prayed. Then now I'm home listening to some Christian music. Yeah, I know that I need to get my rhythm right. Joel and Caleb have been telling me that a thousand times. And hopefully I'll learn to properly transpose chords soon.

An enjoyable day.

Was just thinking that since I'm often erring on the side of over-studying, it's good to take some time off to rest.

Imagine going to heaven and standing before God. And then you realise, that you've missed out on what truly matters in the days of your life. Imagine having chased money, a stable job and career success instead of God, relationships... etc.

Yup, just my thought of the day.

Beautiful

2010-08-31T20:31:00.008+08:00

The Maker

Makes everything beautiful in its time

He is the Lord of seasons

Of Summer, Autumn, Winter and Springtime

He is the God of perfect timings

Of the rising and setting sun

He is King over the high tides and the ebbs

And the many billows and gentle waves that make up the life of a man or woman

He is the Creator of the child in the womb of the mother

The Renewer of strength who brings the youth up into manhood or womanhood

The Giver of wisdom as to whether to embrace or refrain

The Uniter of the faithful husband and the prudent wife

And the Sustainer of both in their silver-haired years.

O, that I were to carefully and earnestly seek out His voice

In obedience, surrender, quietness and trust

To understand His time for everything

And while waiting

To worship and to serve

To honour God, friendship and love

Ponderings

2010-08-31T20:03:00.002+08:00

I'm sitting here at home as I type this post.

I just spent half the day at school studying.

It's been a very restful weekend. On Friday I thought I was working myself a bit too hard. So I went home. Besides a little bit of work on Friday night and Saturday morning, I stayed away from studying this weekend. I enjoyed Songfest and the Teachers' Day lunch for CM.

Perhaps there are just three things I'll talk about. Studying, peace and surrender.

Studying. What's the point in studying so hard and trying to build up one's GPA? That's a question I asked myself over this weekend. You see, there are so many people around doing their best to study hard (and that, by itself, is a good thing). In SMU, people are intent on building up their CVs, looking for future job prospects... etc. But will all these count for eternity?

For me, the challenge of faith in Matthew 6:33 remains. Will I seek ye first His kingdom and His righteousness?

And while I am in this school, what should I be looking out for? It's something I'm starting to pray about again. I simply don't want my SMU life to pass without God's purpose for me here accomplished.

Peace. It's a topic that's been repeated in my life a lot as of late. Just two or three weeks ago I taught my Primary 6s a lesson titled "Don't Worry, Pray, Enjoy". The key scripture was from Matthew 6 (The whole portion on "Do Not Worry"), Philippians 4:6-7 and Psalm 23:1-3.

Then there've been BSF notes and lectures from John 14 to John 16.

And then there was the preacher this Sunday.

Just last night, I was praying for peace upon many different areas of my life. (There've been a couple of things that've been troubling me / making me concerned lately. And I've been praying for quite a few of these things for some time.) And I just felt God reveal something new about peace to me.

You see, we cannot fully experience God's peace unless we are willing to surrender fully to His will. This means that we must be willing to let God have His way, even if it is the total opposite of what we want. The peace does not come from an assurance that we will have things our own way. The peace comes from a certainty that God is in charge, that He will work it out for my good (not for my pleasure) and that ultimately, He is King over the outcome (even though it might be a painful outcome).

Peace comes from the knowledge that I have an eternity to spend with my Saviour. And that my reward comes when I meet my Maker.

Surrender. Let me give an example. Last week I was praying over many issues right? One of them was studies. I know it's only Week 2, but I'd begun to start struggling in a few of my modules. I just couldn't get what the lecturer was saying. And so I started to pray for God's peace over the matter. I asked that God give me intelligence and understanding over this subject.

But when I prayed for God's peace, what did that mean? It should have meant that I would no longer worry about the issue right? But that didn't happen. I just got more flustered and started to pray even more. But God showed me that the issue here isn't so much about me understanding the subject and scoring well for it . The issue here is whether I surrender this subject fully into His hands. The issue here is that I honour God in how I study as a student and that I give glory to His Name no matter how well or how badly I perform in this subject.

It means that I surrender the process as well as the outcome to Him. It means He has His way and His will is done in me.

Second Week of School

2010-08-24T21:24:00.002+08:00

Alright! I'm into the second week of school. It's been a continuous rush of various activities so far. Going for lessons and studying with friends. So far the project work hasn't really started to come in. It's good that I've been able to make time to stay in shape. Heh, I can get fat quite easily.

I guess one of the things I'm learning again this season is patience in waiting on God and trusting Him for His plans and purposes. I guess it's also meekness and gentleness.

Love my Primary Six class. Lately, we decided to set aside time during each lesson just to rest and play. Thought that it was what they really needed. I've got a very studious class this year.

Had a couple of good conversations with Crusade people today. And a topic that came out more than once was regarding the giftings of the Holy Spirit. I'm musing about how lethal it can be when we have both the Word of God and the anointing of God with us. But it often strikes me as strange how we can tend to one extreme and forget the other.

That's all for now. Kinda busy with all the Songfest stuff.

And here're some of the NS Book Project Posters in church!

Anyone else wanna contribute?

Summer

2010-08-12T22:49:00.002+08:00

Summer vacation is such a very strange thing.

Having grown up in Singapore, you never really have summer vacations. You have very busy June holidays. (June holidays that are crammed with “holiday activities”, CCA camps, the occasional church camp and holiday homework- a hallmark of a Singaporean student’s life.). Then you have December holidays. Somehow December always seems more relaxed than June.

January to March. Get back to school and study. March holidays don’t really exist. Most people go back to school anyway. April to June. You get small pockets of time to relax in June. School, CCA, church and everything else eat up most of the time. July to September. Back to the same school routine. October to December. Prepare for exams. Take exams. Rest in December.

Ten cycles of the same routine for the JC kids. A slightly different cycle for the poly and ITE grads.

And then the guys go to NS. NS, where you change for better or worse.

And the girls go to university or to work.

Of course I went through NS. Then completed my first year in university.

My first summer vacation. It seems strange to think of it that way.

It turns out that things did not quite turn out the way I’d envisioned them to be. At the beginning of my vacation, I made up a list. Three columns. One was labeled “necessary”. The other two were labeled “considering” and “optional”. Under “necessary” were things such as “find a job-urgent”, “write letter to CM kids”, “exercise, run, swim, conditioning”, “do NS Book Project”, “have more sleepovers” and so on. Under “considering” were things like… well okay, I can’t remember what I put there. Under “optional” were items such as “learn Malay” (which I actually attempted to do toward the start of my vacation!) or “learn sign language”.

I guess I’ve completed or am halfway through most of what I put under “necessary”.

It’s interesting to me how I started this summer vacation. I had a week or so after my exams. And then, after a few short phone calls, I got a job in a bank. Looking back, I see that it was really God’s providence. So one week after school had ended, I began working hard in my first commercial job. I spent three weeks trying to experience how it was like in the banking industry. I stayed back to work OT on purpose. Partly because of the money. Partly due to the fact that I wanted to find how it feels to work OT. And partly to see how the employees feel so late into the night.

I stopped that after the first three weeks. I knew what I needed to know. It got me thinking about what I’m going to do after I graduate years from now. Will I have work-life balance? Will God fit in there? Will I have time for kids and ministry?

Yup, my walk with God plummeted after those three weeks. But at least I learnt something.
The next few weeks were rather standard. Work, sleepover and past midnight meetings for the NS Book Project. Late night suppers on some days and just going home on others. World cup sleepovers. Just having fun and pushing myself late into the night. A really ironic way to relax.

It struck me as weird how my last few days on the job were. I talked a bit more with people who
had appreciated my presence. I drew up a chart for where I kept all the items because I knew people would be confused immediately after I left. I had a few more lunches with Enos- something which I really miss.

On my last day, I gave out Oreos to people as a sort of farewell gift. Never mind that many people didn’t really care. After all, I was just a contract staff helping out for three months of their lives and probably gone for the rest of their lives.

I got two farewell gifts. One was a box of chocolates from a perm staff who came in after me. I helped her a lot with the transition into the work place. I taught her the ropes on her part of the job, because she was tasked with taking over some of my functions before I left. She wasn’t from my team, but at least she appreciated me.

The other was a cheese/carrot cake from a manager on another team. I often helped her to retrieve files from my side for her analysis. It’s weird that people often take their own staff’s contribution as a given. I mean, I never felt appreciated on my own side despite doing my best for them. But I felt so appreciated by members of another team.

My farewell from my own side consisted of a colleague running up to me fifteen minutes before we were to knock off, and asking me to urgently find a file before I left, and me wanting to say a proper goodbye to my boss but realizing that he was too busy talking on the phone to offer me anything more than a hurried goodbye wave.

So I left my workplace. A rather happy person. I spent one day meditating and packing for Crusade camp.

And then I went for the camp itself.

It was a joy to be at the camp. I mean, I didn’t get much time to talk to people and all. But it was really so awesome to just be there.

But looking back I guess I was a bit distant from everyone. Was still dealing with issues and all. Being part of the crowd has never really been one of my greatest strengths. I’m always different somehow. Some days it gets real bad. (But my comfort lies in the fact that I know God is working on this part of my life. One of my many imperfections. I mean, over the years I've found that apart from hanging out with some very close people, I actually struggle to have fun. I muse that it could be a mix of me setting high standards for myself plus my training in army days plus the feeling that I just want to make sure I achieve something. Well, all those and perhaps a million other things- which leads me to my next thought- that I think too much at times.)

And then came a week of rest at home. With the NS Book Project still going on.

Then last week, which included a very blessed day of cycling at East Coast and a couple of meet-ups.

And there’s this week of course. I’m ready for school in the technical sense.

Oh, what a summer of rest and recuperation. Of reflection and quiet growth. It wasn’t as exciting as all my fellow schoolmates who went on Overseas CIP, Gen 12 and tours. But I would like to think that I came out a better person after this season. A lot of my burdens over the last two terms at school have been laid down before my Lord Jesus. A lot of thinking has been done.

And a lot has changed.

A New Semester

2010-08-07T21:23:00.002+08:00

Here we go again. Another new semester of university. Three more academic years before we graduate. I think I'd do well to enjoy each and every day in this school. Guess when I enter the work force, SMU life is something that will bring back a wistful sigh.

I had a very good summer vacation. It was a time of rest from camps. God also answered my prayers for a good holiday job. Everything worked out pretty fine. I think it was a season of rest and restoration. I prayed a lot. Read God's word a lot (well, perhaps it could have been more than that). I re-thought quite a few of my outlooks on life. So I suppose that I'm quite a different person from one year back.

So many more things to think and pray about in the coming months.

How Firm a Foundation

2010-08-02T23:42:00.003+08:00

Here's a hymn that's been ministering to me quite a few times in my life:

How Firm A Foundation

How firm a foundation, ye saints of the Lord,
Is laid for your faith in His excellent Word!
What more can He say than to you He hath said,
To you who for refuge to Jesus have fled?

"In ev'ry condition— in sickness, in health,
In poverty's vale, or abounding in wealth;
At home or abroad, on the land, on the sea,
As days may demand, shall thy strength ever be.

"Fear not, I am with thee, O be not dismayed,
For I am thy God, I will still give thee aid;
I'll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand,
Upheld by My gracious, omnipotent hand.

"When through the deep waters I call thee to go,
The rivers of sorrow shall not overflow,
For I will be with thee, thy trials to bless,
And sanctify to thee thy deepest distress.

"When through fiery trials thy pathway shall lie,
My grace all-sufficient shall be thy supply;
The flame shall not hurt thee; I only design
Thy dross to consume, and thy gold to refine.

"The soul that on Jesus hath leaned for repose,
I will not, I will not desert to his foes;
That soul, though all hell should endeavor to shake,
I'll never, no never, no never forsake!"

Especially the fifth part. The flame shall not hurt thee; I only design Thy dross to consume, and thy gold to refine.

This hymn is a mash of many verses (e.g. Isaiah 43:1-3, Isaiah 41:10... etc.)

For the last few days, I've been kind of working OT on the NS Book Project, so to speak. It's been taking a lot out of me. I've been bringing the contributed scripts almost everywhere I go. It's been interesting editing all the testimonies/ stories that we've received so far. But even as I work so hard on all this and face all types of hindrances (both the expected and the unexpected- and those things for which in your heart you are prepared for but yet still HOPE will never happen), I'm learning lessons from the Lord.

In 1 Corinthians 13, we are told that love "always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres". To what extent must one protect? Must one trust in the face of un-trustworthiness? And hope? Must there still be hope if the reasonable mind sees no more reason to hope? Should there be further perseverance when effort after effort goes down the drain?

In this NS Book Project, you would think that I'm learning stuff like editing skills, persuasiveness... etc. But the truth is that most of all I'm learning to love. And I'm struggling with it daily. I look at the love of Christ. Then I gaze back at my own. I see how it pales in comparison.

Fear not, I am with thee, O be not dismayed,
For I am thy God, I will still give thee aid;
I'll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand,
Upheld by My gracious, omnipotent hand.

Cycling with Crusade people tomorrow. I'm praying for good weather and good fellowship.

A smile from one of the kids

2010-07-27T23:09:00.003+08:00

Well, I know it's a wrong answer. But really, the way it turned out is really quite true in life, isn't it?

The bad things which are about to happen sooner or later anyway. Of course, there's also the good. But why be anxious about things that are going to happen anyway? Reminds me of how blessed I am. Looking back, everything has either turned out fine, or has been worked out for my good by God.

Camps Ended. Reflections and all.

2010-07-27T22:09:00.004+08:00

So FOC has finally drawn to a close. Realised I quite missed this camp after the fatigue wore off. I'm quite glad that I got a chance to support Joel as Programs IC in this camp. Grateful for a chance to serve God. One of the best things I got out of this camp was closer bonding with Jia Hao and Joel, my DG mates. Sadly, I guess that that was the only proper bonding I had for the entire camp. Was running around to make sure everything was going smoothly. I think the next best catch-ups with people were like 20 minute or so of talking with Sarah Tan and also Mike and Chloe. But that wasn't much. Didn't talk too much with the freshmen. Didn't talk too much with the seniors.

What have I gained from this camp? Of the blog-able stuff, it was a closer walk with God and also more reliance on Him. It was a camp that ran on constant prayer. In every camp there are undercurrents. Emotional, spiritual, physical. Undercurrents that threaten to destroy the joy and atmosphere of the camp. I encountered quite a bit of those in this camp. Of course, they weren't visible to everyone. But as always, yielding to God's Presence and asking for His providence brought us through.

Yet another issue I've been contemplating is the issue of loneliness. It's not the first time that I find myself in such a position. Leadership is lonely, some people say. That's why moments of loneliness are supposed to be good training for leadership.

Do I remember other moments that God brought me through loneliness? Yeah. Here's one.

There were many times that close friends were far-off. Times that I lost friends in school, unit and even church to disagreements and all. Showed me who my true friends were some days. Other days I wondered whether it was because I wasn't true enough a friend.

Was just sharing with my camp group during one of the short moments I had with them, that I was feeling quite discouraged, un-encouraged and all in ministry.

What happens when the encourager becomes discouraged? What happens when I would like more support from friends and all? What happens when close, trusted friends are generally not there anymore?

Perhaps one way is to hang out more with people. And yet another is to ask God to teach me what He intends to in this season. I don't want to have a martyr-complex in all this.

One thing I've realised after doing so many different camps is that the stronger a Christian you're perceived to be, the more lonely you can become. Yes, you have people around you and all. But it is largely assumed that you don't have personal needs. Perhaps it's not assumed that you don't. But rather, it is assumed that they can't help you with those needs. Really makes me glad to have some friends to talk to some times. Yet most of the time these days, it doesn't seem that way.

In all this, I think that I need to understand what God is teaching me. Right now I'm guessing that it's a mix of relying more on Him, and also at the same time making more friends. But of course, friendship in itself is not always easy. Friendship opens up vulnerabilities. True friendship includes openness. It is when someone feels known by the other, and knows the other intimitately that the warmth of friendship can brighten a day. The feeling of knowing and being known. And I admit that it's not always been easy for me. The part about being known, especially.

But my comfort is in the fact that as long as I trust God and pray through this time, I will come out stronger and more refined. And I know this well help me to help others later on.

Updates

2010-07-18T23:54:00.002+08:00

FOC: Going fine. Some last minute stuff, but still, working out.

Ministry: Some discouragements. Trust God. Will work out.

NS Book Project: God's been granting an increase in volume. It's instinctive to credit our calling up of people and persuasion, but I know that's not true. God's provided. When I prayed less, the contributions trickled in. When I prayed more, it increased. Thanks guys for writing!

Life in general. Can't say much. A blog is often a place to rant, yes. But Ephesians 4:29 says it all.

Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that they may benefit those who listen.

So I'm sometimes thinking. The words that come out of my mouth; are they going to build others up? The things I write; will they edify others or draw them into negative thinking. Perhaps I don't speak as well as I would like to at times. But often (not 100% successful though), I just find myself keeping quiet these days. The reason being that I can't find anything positive to say; things that will build others up. It frustrates me that I have nothing to say. It frustrates me because sometimes I just feel like venting my anger on people, or on this blog.

But ultimately, Proverbs 11:12 says "A man who lacks judgement derides his neighbour, but a man of understandng holds his tongue."

And again, in Proverbs 10:19 "When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise."

Dale Carnegie speaks of Abraham Lincoln in one of his books. (Dale Carnegie writes secular books.) My mom made me read the book when I was younger. Glad she did. Carnegie says that Abraham Lincoln once wrote a letter reprimanding one of his generals in the civil war. This general was on the brink of victory, and all he needed to do was to have crossed a river to defeat the trapped Confederate Army. Yet for some strange reason, the general had decided to set up a defensive position where he was when he could have crushed the enemy.

This letter was never sent out. It was found in Abraham Lincoln's desk (after his passing, if I remember correctly).

And what a good practice for us- this modern day, email-sending, blog-ranting generation. What a fantastic suggestion, if only we can hold our peace for one more day. I've applied it to myself many times. And so often, when my mind is clearer and I am in a less distraught state the next day, I re-open the unsent email or unposted blog piece, and thank God I didn't send it out.

Last time this happened was the week before. So glad I didn't send out an email.

That's all for now.

And tomorrow (later today, rather- It's 0020 HRS), is my last day of work. YAY.

An interesting argument

2010-07-13T21:27:00.004+08:00

There is a certain argument that goes like this:

When we make children do actions in praise and worship, the idea is that first we break the body. So when they are able to physically do actions in Praise and Worship, then we'll be able to let their hearts get into the correct attitude of worship. So in other words, we teach our children to worship from the outside-in.

I think that it is very good that so many of our worship leaders teach our kids to do actions and raise their hands in worship. Encouraging our young ones to freely worship is definitely positive. I think that our worship leaders have been mostly correct in all they've done.

I refer exclusively and specifically to this argument of breaking the body first. I'm doing so because I don't want anybody to come into Praise and Worship with an incorrect understanding of why we do actions, encourage our children to sing loudly... etc.

An outside-in approach. I am fully against it because my bible says in 1 Samuel 16:7 that "the Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart". Indeed, in children's Praise and Worship (or all Praise and Worship, for that matter), we should teach our kids that God looks at their hearts. That first they praise God from the heart and second they let it show in their physical bodies. It is of no pleasure to God to dance before Him when the heart is not worshipping.

My bible says in Psalm 8:2 that "From the lips of children and infants you have ordained praise because of your enemies, to silence the foe and the avenger". NLT says "You have taught children and nursing infants to give you praise". As the Holy Spirit ministers to our children, won't God Himself teach them how to worship? All we do in Praise and Worship is to teach our children to worship in Spirit and in truth (John 4:21-24).

Nowhere in God's word can I find scriptural foundation for this suggestion that we should first get the children's body into the motion of worshipping God, followed by their hearts.

Need more proof?

Psalms 30:11-12. "You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with your joy, that my heart may sing to you and not be silent..."

So tell me this. Which comes first? The touch of God from the inside, beginning with the heart? Or from the outside, beginning with the dancing? And above all, are the efforts of man needed to achieve an attitude of praise?

Then of course some will always say that for very young toddlers we cannot expect them to understand how to worship God. So we simply teach them the physical movements of it. (May I remind you of Psalm 8:2. KJV doesn't use "children and infants" it uses "babes and sucklings". If we take that literally, God can teach suckling children to worship Him).

I disagree. From the very little understanding that each of us have, or from no understanding at all, the Holy Spirit can teach us how to worship. I have many more years of studying the bible than a six year old child. Yet I can quite safely say that his singing and worship is any less sweet in the ears of God than mine.

Of course, there is an age where children may not seem to understand how to worship God. Let us hypothesise that this were true. However, why should we want to teach them how to physically get into the motion of worshipping God (without the worship of the heart), if that were the case? Does the physical expression of worship without the involvement of the heart please God? And what is the purpose of worship? To please man with a disply for human eyes or to please a Creator who knows our every thought? (Psalm 139: 2). (Of course I must remind you that John the Baptist leaped in the womb of Elizabeth in Luke 1:41).

I could probably go on, arguing for ages about how worship is always an inside-out process, not outside in. But instead of doing that, let me leave an open challenge. If anyone of you still think that the outside-in approach is still correct, logical as it may sound, convince me with the word of God. Show me where in the bible such an approach can be supported. Please don't repeat some Christian-sounding argument (the type with absolutely no scriptural basis) or present a who-said-what.

Anybody want to come back on what I've just said? Pick up the gauntlet. I humbly wait to be corrected. I have thought long and hard, and I have yet to find a strong-enough biblical argument in what I am challenging.

Times of Refreshing

2010-07-13T20:53:00.002+08:00

"Repent, then, and turn to God, so that your sins may be wiped out, that times of refreshing may come from the Lord"- Acts 3:19

Or if you will, that old song which goes

Times of refreshing
Here in your presence
No greater blessing
Than being with you...

I was watching this old video on Church Of Singapore which they made in the late 1990s. I did it because I was preparing for my CM lesson this weekend. It's going to be on the book of Acts and the spread of the early church. So I thought that it'd be fitting if I linked it to the early years of our church. This way, the kids would understand that their spiritual heritage can be traced back two thousand years and also, more immediately, to 1963, for relevance.

The front part of the video was about the formative years of our church. And as I watched it, I felt such a deep longing for times of annointing once again. I saw the old photos of men and women praying. I imagined how the fire of the Holy Spirit must have moved in those days. Then I also began to call up some of my personal memories of children camps in the 1990s, where I was so touched by God.

Makes me ask God for times of annointing upon our own CM now.

I think that we have two great challenges.

Firstly, many of us are using our own strength. We're not reading enough of God's word, to start with. We seek annointing but we grieve the Holy Spirit by how we live. Let me refer to the prayerful attitude of the believers in Acts 1 and 2. (Acts 1:14 says that they joined together constantly in prayer). In Acts 2, they were together praying in one place when the Holy Spirit came. When was the last time we came together as a ministry, or even within our own class to wait upon God? I'm not referring to those obligatory, point-by-point prayers we (myself included) so often pray. We don't pray enough together. We don't pray enough ourselves.

Isn't it true that the reason corporate prayer often feels so dry and obligatory and downright boring/ draining is that our own prayer lives aren't strong?

Simply, I offer this for your consideration. We need to pray more and read more of God's word. It sounds so familiar. But it is a total irony that the most obvious and often stated advice is something we lack in.

Pray more. Read more. Live in true repentance. Rest in God and minister out of the annointing. Minister out of a soul that is refreshed by the Spirit.

Secondly, our next great challenge is to love.

1 Peter 3:8-9 says "Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble. Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing."

And 1 Peter 4:8 says "Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins."

In this ministry, we don't love each other enough. We don't put each others' interests above our own enough.

Suffice it to say that I personally need to work on whatever I'm saying here. Everything I'm saying that our ministry lacks. Well, face it, I lack it myself. But let us run together.

Times of Crisis

2010-07-07T20:12:00.002+08:00

In times of crisis, a leader does what needs to be done, not what his emotions tell him to do.

If what I believe in costs me nothing, chances are, I don't really believe in anything that matters.

Some tell me I've got too much time on my hands. Ain't true. The reason I write that stuff is that I'm doing it to relieve some pressure.

Remembering the times God has brought me through.

Someone is beginning to blog again! I can't believe it!

2010-07-04T18:46:00.002+08:00

OH MY GOODNESS!!! Someone is beginning to blog again. I never thought it would happen.

http://jeshystravels.blogspot.com

Larlarlar

2010-07-03T20:54:00.002+08:00

School is going to start again soon. A fact driven home by the reality of bidding for modules.

This was another week of lessons learnt at work and chilling out. Just came home today from yet another sleepover at Jeshua's place. Many thanks to Uncle Julian and Aunty Janet for opening up their house so often to a bunch of rowdy, hungry guys. Then went for lunch with Enos CR Koh.

This week I continued to work on the devotionals for Crusade camp. The more I work on it, the more humbled I become. I'm truly thankful to people who've taken time off to help me to edit the devotionals. In an odd sense, I am most thankful for people who have not minced their words in editing. It has painfully good effects on the quality of my writing.

Spending time planning for Crusade Camp as well. I think that our last meeting was the best one I've had so far. Really took more time to pray and wait on God.

NS Book Project is still going on. Just waiting on God and reminding people. Very humbled by people who have already sent in their contributions. Lately, I'm very thankful for Ming En and Aaron Tay, because they're the only two people on my list who "self-remind". They don't need me to send them SMSes asking for their accounts. They send me SMSes to tell me they're working on it. I'm extremely grateful for that, really.

One thing people have been thinking lately is that we've already gotten more testimonies or accounts than we need. That is not the case. We are still quite sorely in need of more testimonies and accounts. So yes, please please contribute something.

Also will be needing much help when it comes to the editing stages. Jeshua's working on that.

Our next wave of adverts should be hitting the walls soon. Worked on the concepts together and Caleb came up with the final design. Subject to approval.

The Last Week Or So

2010-06-22T22:01:00.003+08:00

Well, it turns out that the headaches on Saturday morning were the start of a week of sinus backflows and all. It was quite terrible; I'm seldom sick. Even had to take an MC on Tuesday. Goodness.

Now I think I'm quite alright. Have started exercising again. Finally. Being sick is a good reminder of how much I love to exercise. Sometimes there is pain in exercising. There is the painful discipline of tossing and turning in bed at 0620 HRS before finally deciding to wake up for a run or some weights. (In army my OC once had this painful idea of waking the commanders up at 0515 HRS for a run every morning before the men fell in at 0545. "Five one five" as we used to call it... crazy stuff. It would still go on even if we slept as late as one in the morning. Mercifully it died out and every one of us was wise enough not to mention it ever again). But the pain of falling sick and the helplessness it brings is far worse. Looking out of the bus window and watching people run in the morning sun really made me want to get well and run and all as soon as possible.

The highlights of last week were three rather disappointing matches on Friday night. We watched them from Jeshua's house. Then after that we played Marvel Ultimate Alliance. Played as Ironman mostly, if not Captain America. Jesh and Enos alternated between Spiderman and Wolverine. Though I thought Wolverine very much suited Jeshua C T Chong. Caught some sleep before heading out to Novena area for dinner with ODAC friends. I haven't met them for quite a while and it turned out to be better than I expected. Had some good catching up with some people I used to be quite close to.

Of course I've been continuing to work. Here's a picture of my office. I'm in a glassed-up area better known to others on the floor as the yu gang or aquarium. Quite a small fish in the aquarium. But been rather happy swimming around these last couple of days. When you're a small fish, no one takes much notice of you. You get to swim into all the tiny corners that the big fish don't get to swim into. There's also a lot more space to move around. Big fish don't have much of a choice.

Well, I have slightly less than a month before I end my stint here. It is still so apparent to me how kind God has been to me by providing me with this job. Many benefits as well as a wonderful exposure to working life in a bank.

Have also been going out with friends. Here's a shot taken while waiting at a bus stop near church. Was going to go with Jon Lim and Enos to army market to buy some stuff for Jon and to hang out over sugar cane and tang yuan or balls of glutinous rice in soup.

Thought the sky was really nice that day. Enos was like "bah... nice meh?" and Jon Lim was like "take picture, take picture!"

Besides catching up and hanging out with people, and of course working, there are two other things I've been doing. Firstly, the NS Book Project, for which there are many new developments, pleasant surprises, frustrations and all- which really makes me surrender so much more to God in prayer. Secondly, the Crusade Camp. I finally got down to improving on the devotions. Was a little bit of a bugbear to me last week cuz I was sick and unable to really think well enough to edit it.

Will close for now with a thought.

I was doing my QT just now. And complaining to God about people who so irritate and frustrate me. The thing about these people is that they get so close to me when they need me. And yet when I ask things from them, they do not make themselves available to help. They always have a ready reason as to why they aren't available. For the sake of friendship and courtesy I do not really have much to say. In other words, they seek me out only when they need me and push me aside when they don't.

And then God spoke to me through an instant thought. "Aren't you sometimes like that too?"

And yes, regretfully, that is sometimes true of me. Sometimes I just push God aside when I don't really seem to need Him that much. How much more upset must He feel than I.

Another Week's Over

2010-06-13T22:04:00.004+08:00

Alright. Another week's over.

Woke up on Saturday morning at 0640 HRS. Thought I'd go for a swim, so planned to eat an early breakfast and swim at eight plus. Ended up having a headache. So went back to bed and slept through most of the morning.

Then spent most of the evening and afternoon working on Crusade Freshman Orientation Camp devotionals. I'm looking forward to this camp. It's rather special because it's centred on the concept of rest and re-direction. Most camps head for other more exciting-sounding themes. But I guess this is what many of us really need?

I think it's what we need in ministry too. So many of us are so tired... Sometimes we get so proficient at our tasks that we start to use our own strength. Then we start to get tired because we're relying on our own strength. Through all this we might still meet with a few successes and get praised by others. But sometimes in ministry the point comes when we realise quite late that we are not operating out of an overflow and an anointing, but out of human strength. Strength which is ebbing away and turning into tiredness, because our own strength should never have been relied on in the first place. The time comes for rest. For even though we can operate in the spiritual at times, we are still natural mortal beings. Our God-given bodies bear very human capacities. We can't ignore the signs of tiredness and fatigue that set in. These natural indicators are as God-created and God-intended as is any other bible verse or passage. This moment demands a decision. A decision to stop there and listen and rest. Or continue in tiredness till we're utterly broken. Even then there is mercy and restoration. But it is always better to stop and rest before reaching the breaking point.
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I think I've got a little bit of flu. But I really DON'T want to take an MC. Last night couldn't really sleep. (And here I go talking about rest eh. Yeah, I WILL sleep earlier tonight).

(Then again, each time I feel like complaining I remember my NS days. I could be falling sick. And yet I'd know that the next day I'd have to resume my duties no matter what. Taking Att C- or sick leave was quite taboo in my coy. Any commander who did that would be treated quite differently from the rest- that was the reality. To continue with my work then- even whilst falling ill, would be better than becoming an outcast of sorts).

(Or each time I board an air-conditioned bus to work and I feel kinda sian that it's yet another workday- I remember that in my unit days, I could be in an air-conditioned bus in all my military gear, travelling to some jungle and getting ready for a three or four day field camp. How thankful I should be that God has provided me a job with an air-conditioned office at the other end of the journey! For what else can be the reward of hardship? It is the bitter memory of adversity that brings sweetness to more pleasant times. Yet so many of us forget to savour this sweetness brought about by the memory of past bitterness).

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Quite enjoyed myself with my class today during the outing. Really thank God for this class. Every year I'm blessed by my class in some way or other.

Been thinking about what to major in and also what exchanges to embark on in future.

That's all for now... Sleeping soon.

How much would you give for a book?

2010-06-06T22:20:00.005+08:00

This is William Tyndale. He lived in the early 16th century, in England. He was said to be so fluent in Hebrew, Greek, Latin, Spanish, French, Italian, English and German that if he spoke in any one of them, it seemed as though it were his native tongue.

At twelve, he enrolled in Oxford. At twenty one he received his Masters.

There was just one problem with this remarkable man. He believed in the translation of the Latin bible into English. He believed that it would be impossible for God's word to reach the people if all the land had were Latin bibles.

It is said that a clergyman once said to Tyndale: “We are better to be without God’s laws than the Pope’s”. Tyndale's reply was reportedly: “I defy the Pope and all his laws. If God spare my life ere many years, I will cause the boy that drives the plow to know more of the scriptures than you!”

For this conviction he was later burned at the stake.

His legacy? The Tyndale bible made up about ninety percent of the King James Version about a hundred years later.

The thought that entered my mind when I read this today was, "How much would I give for a book?" (Of course, I'm not expecting our book to be as great as the Bible itself).

Late night meetings with Jesh and Caleb (often starting at around 12 midnight with some sharing and prayer and ending at close to 4 a.m.- before work for me the next day) and all this appealing to people is often tiring. I think we've gone through quite a few tough moments and discouragements in these initial stages already. But so far, God has brought us through. And it's encouraging to think of all His providence.

How much would I give for the NS Book Project?

I would give in proportion to the legacy I hope it to have and the impact I pray it makes.

The reason I say "in proportion" is that God is the one who multiplies it. I can't give the full amount. But I can give "in proportion". I can give with quality and faithfulness. And I can let God bless all that I give.

Five Shots and Five Trains of Thought

2010-06-05T22:38:00.004+08:00

My third desk.

It's my third because they've been shifting me around in the office. Right now I'm at my fourth space.

One thing I liked about the space in the photo is the mirror at the top left hand corner of the screen. Gives me the ability to see who's behind me, watching what I do when I need to... multi-task. Quite a few of the office staff have it. Think it was a free gift of some sort.

The work I'm doing right now is potentially debilitating on my mind. When I first started I got so excited about learning all the investment terms. What was the difference between say, equities, bonds, structured notes... etc. How is the structure of a bank like... (and some other stuff which I don't think wise for me to mention). I also was quite interested to understand what this office's culture was like. So I tried spending some time with the perm staff. Didn't quite enjoy talking to some of them. I guess when you're the smallest fry at the table in terms of seniority, you just listen. And you don't have much to say when it comes down to office politics and all.

In the end, I decided to hang out with the other contract staff instead. More things to talk about. Healthier conversations too. No backstabbing and much less lewd talk.

I also began to be less interested in all those banking terms. Work started to settle into some sort of routine. Kept doing the same things again and again.

Began to realise that often when the mind is kinda empty, we can use the time to think about rather useless, mundane stuff. Or, each of us can "sing and make music in your heart to the Lord" (Ephesians 5:19).

This last week was good in that way. Going down to PPTTC and CAC every night left me thinking about God and hungering for more of God in the day.

I went down to church on Tuesday night. The original intention was to discuss the NS Book Project with Samson and Caleb. In the end I ended up having a rather good time during the body ministry part. I did receive some things from God. Much needed, but ambiguous still. But I guess the good that comes out of that is that it kinda makes us need to wait on God. After that I had a good time going out with the speakers Daniel and Janice for supper. Been so long since I last saw them. The last time was in 2008, during Glenn and Luzanne's wedding, if I recall correctly...

I ended travelling down to Creative Arts Camp every day since Tuesday.

Here's a shot I took in the evening on a bus a couple of weeks back. The sun was shining in straight.

Yes, I ended up travelling down to CAC every night. I'm not sure why, since I'd already decided to more or less stay away from all these things for a little while. I guess it's this hunger and longing for God? I wanted more. I still want more after having received.

All I can say is that I've really enjoyed all the times of fellowship in the night with all my CM friends. It's been so good and such a blessing to talk to so many people. Physically tiring, yes. But it's been wonderful, nontheless.

Travelling. Most of my friends will be going up for the Annual Bible Camp. I'm staying behind. Got work and all. It was my decision. Won't say I regret it, but I feel a tinge of longing for more of God when I see my friends all about to go. Oh well.

One of the things I was reminded of during camp was 2 Timothy 4:2. Preach the word. Be prepared in season and out of season; correct, rebuke and encourage- with great patience and careful instruction. I'm reminded of this verse especially because of the phrasing "out of season".

It's been quite obvious to me that right now I'm out of season. I'm on the bench, not the field. (Who benched me is another issue, because this is one coach I can't be angry at for long).

But I guess there're quite a few things I've gotta learn at this stage in my walk with God. Slowly learning them.

A sugarcane drink. I think it's about 1 litre. Had it at Chomp Chomp.

This season has also been a fairly good time of meeting up with many friends. Dinner, sleepovers, fellowship, rest.

Through this all, I need to remember to let God be God and let man be man. In other words, I fully trust God in everything. Man will fail me ever so often, and I shouldn't hold it against any of them.

This season has had its fair share of disappointments with people and various issues. One thing I'm learning is that many things are not for us to handle. In particular, many people are not for us to concern ourselves over and worry about.

Some people just disappoint you again and again and again. My personal view is that it often reaches a point in time where you've got to seriously consider. Do you continue being the person's friend? Can you take being disappointed again? Is the potential hurt worth it? Can you handle it? There've been times when the answer for me has been no. Sometimes though, it's a yes.

I did not write that on the tree.

Snapped this at the Botanical Gardens. Went there last Saturday for a recce of the place for the stuff Ivy, Enos and Charis are planning for Children's Day.

The thought? I'm just so blessed to be serving with children. One thing God reminded me of during camp was that one of the blessings He's given to me are my CM kids. It's just so wonderful spending time with them.

This NS Book Project. As far as I'm concerned, I'm prepared to dig in for the long haul. I'm still excited and passionate about it. We're still working on it.

I've learnt so much already. Spoken to so many more people. I'm not very sure where this will all go. But ultimately, I need to remember that neither my sense of success nor value in the eyes of God hinges on this project. The same goes for every single project and endeavour we embark on for God.

No, for my self-worth and success and value in the sight of God rest elsewhere. It rests on whether I'm obedient to God. It rests on whether I'm availing myself to His service. It rests on how much I let Him take control.

Pray pray pray.

Learning so much patience through this. Learning to be obedient to God and be humble to receive human opinion. Learning, learning. Slowly improving on all these weaknesses.

Season of Rest

2010-05-26T22:07:00.001+08:00

Been focusing on resting in God this season. Realised that it's not only been me, but also my friends who've been so busy running around. It's so important to slow down and wait upon God. It's so important to sit down and read His word once again.

Where was God? - An explanation of the NS Book Project

2010-05-16T16:45:00.004+08:00

What it is:

-The idea here is to gather enough testimonies to write a book. Not just testimonies alone, but also tough experiences and personal accounts. The word testimonies is misleading in that it makes it sound like we want to hear only the good, polished and filtered stuff. Well, we don't.

-A book focused on God.

-A book that will present NS in as real a form as is palatable for reading by the majority of our church-goers.

-A book with contributions from all types of people who've been through NS. Any of the three services or the Police or Civil Defence. Across all ranks and all vocations. It doesn't have to be spectacular sharing. But it has to be real, heartfelt and introspective. I know that we often mention it as "God in army", but I guess the reason for that is that it's easier on the mouth. Trying to say it more as "God in NS".

What it isn't:
-Some book sharing just the most spectacular testimonies and miraculous encounters. (We would at this point, want depth, insight and spiritual sharing rather than theatrics)

-A book about ourselves. (It's not and never should be about how good we are. Neither should it be so much about what we went through. It should be about how God has brought us through.)

-Some shallow sharing with God super-imposed. (It needs to be real. For example, if you feel God wasn't present then, say so. If you felt bitter against God, say so.)

Just wanted to share a bit about the spirit behind this project. I guess the fact that it's never been done before makes it potentially ambiguous. Jeshua, Caleb and I have more or less the same motivations and objectives for wanting to embark on this project. But I guess my sharing here will be skewed towards my personal reasons for wanting to do this. Hopefully I can make this thing a little clearer.

The seeds for this project must have been planted a couple of years back. It takes no genius to realise that National Service can become a rather long discussion for any table talk amongst Singaporean men. If we want to, most of us can spend hours talking about it. (I've done it a couple of times myself). Amazingly, it was only about 2 years or so of our lives. (That also means that we've been repeating the same old stories many times.)

Well, so there I was, an NSF. Sitting at a table with a group of Christian brothers. Most had been through NS. And then the talk began to centre on NS. Yes, the same old familiar stuff, funny anecdotes and all. The boredom and feeling of being left out for the girls. The curiosity of those who hadn't enlisted. The knowing smiles and feelings of masculinity for the enlightened ones who'd been through NS.

It was fun. It was funny. It was entertaining talk. But I can tell you, I went home that night, talking to God and asking questions... I wondered why if we were all Christians, if we all had gone through army as Christians... Then why don't we talk about God in the army? As in, why does all our conversation centre around ourselves?

It was not the first night that such thoughts entered into my mind. There were many other nights. Many other dinners. The same questions popped up in my head. "Where is God in NS?", "What is God doing in our lives during NS?", "Why don't people talk about God in NS?"

Where was God?

So I went through my fair share of army experiences. I got posted into an infantry unit. I wasn't an outstanding soldier. Some days and some experiences were very painful to me. (I'll share more in the book). The dinners continued. God was still seldom brought up during those dinners. I'd end up laughing and talking about NS with many Christian brothers. But God was seldom there. We weren't building each other up as we went through these tough experiences together. (Of course there were some very God-centred conversations with close friends, but I'm talking about your average conversation here).

Where was God?

That was a curious question to me during mealtimes on weekends.

Where was God?

That was also a painful question for me during my darkest days in the army.

Where was God?

I often wished to communicate my struggles to other guys who'd been through army in church. I often wished that the ladies would better understand what exactly we went through.

Where was God?

God was always there, right beside me. God was changing me, tearing me down and building me up in my NS days. Looking back, I see all the good things He's done for me. That's one of the main reasons I want to do this book.

I want all of us who've been through NS to have a platform to share what God has done for us in NS. I'd like very much for what God is doing in the lives of NSFs and regulars to be a constant table topic, in place of just the very superficial army talk we have. I want to create an opportunity, however small a stepping stone it may be, for female friends, girlfriends, wives, mothers to understand a bit more of what we go through in NS. A bit more of the challenges we face as Christians in there.

That's the focus of this project. One that builds up a community around God. Sure, I know it seems small. It's only going to be a book after all. But it will also be a legacy. Oral traditions die out easily. One might be able to say, influence people to talk about how God moulded them in army. But for how long? For how many people in his generation? And then what about the next generation? A book, can be passed down, however torn and tattered it might be. A book can be stored and dug out, originality of flavour and accuracy well-preserved, whereas mind and memory fail.

If you ask me, it's just another part of life that I want to see God magnified and discussed for mutual edification. Building up each other. I'm not the one doing God or anyone a favour here. God has in His grace helped me so much through NS, and to take a step back, in life. This is just one of the ways I want to encourage people to come together and proclaim His goodness.

4th Week is over

2010-05-14T23:29:00.005+08:00

And that's the view from my workplace, as I wait for the shuttle bus in the evening.

However, this is the more common view. Well, I have a desk too, though will need to vacate it when the perm staff comes back from vacation. Following which I guess I'll be relegated to a more obscure corner.

Today I felt so tempted to work overtime again, because OT pay is 1.5 times your basic. But I was just thinking to myself and telling God. That hey, it's already the end of the fourth week of the holidays. And I don't want to spend my whole holidays working so hard for money. I really do want to spend some time sitting down at the feet of God.

So I made myself leave work on time today. And honestly, for me, that was quite something.

Yes, I came home, managed to spend some time on QT and all. And thought about my focuses in this season of my life.

NS Book project (guess it'll be known as this till we have a more inspired name) is rolling along and yes, I am quite excited.

After another week at work

2010-05-08T22:27:00.002+08:00

Work's been involving large amounts of voluntary OT lately. Been wondering to myself whether it really is wise to work so much. Been wondering whether it'll lead to me burning out. (And a good friend was telling me today that "well... there's only one way to find out for sure"). Also been observing that I haven't been spending that much time doing QT... etc.

Perhaps I need to relook my focus this Summer. I may not be spending it correctly.

What's the point of earning more and acquiring new skills and hanging out and watching movies? What's the point if at the end of all that I question myself and find myself wanting? Wanting in that I had extra time to spend and invest and it didn't go into what God wanted it to go into?

Here's a re-write of a reflection I wrote down as I was doing my QT today.

"It's no use getting angry, hurt or upset over other people. I'll get tired easily if I allow hurting words to bog me down for long. Don't let insults and threats get to you. But also be careful not to allow flattery to cause you to become pride and lead eventually to your downfall. Simply in life, what really matters is what God says. And also, what is His will?"

Been reminded today that I shouldn't focus on people and issues, but on God. Also was reading Mark 12:29-30.

" "The most important one", answered Jesus, "is this 'Hear, O Israel, the Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.' "

That's like something I don't quite think I'm doing right now. In fact, I wonder if I truly understand what it means. There we have it. The greatest commandment and I need to figure out how to obey it.

Work and All

2010-04-28T23:10:00.003+08:00

Been rather busy working these last few days.

Also been doing as much as I can with my holidays. Trying to read up more on stuff I should be reading up on... etc

Very grateful to have some good colleagues who actually explain stuff to me. It's amazing how people who are so into their work can forget that newcomers actually need to pick up stuff. For the drivers, imagine going into a manual car on your first lesson. And then the instructor tells you. "This is the steering wheel, this is the accelerator and clutch and brake. Okay. Now drive."

So you manage to figure out to release the handbrake and step on the accelerator. Engine splutters.

"You need to get to the biting point first."

"Err... so what exactly is the biting point..."

That's kinda how I felt when one of my colleagues tried to explain stuff to me today. Using all the cheem language. Didn't help at all.

Thought of the day is about security and fulfillment.

We often ask God for security in our lives. We ask for fulfillment. In our minds we might picture something like a stable job and perhaps a fulfilling and meaningful work experience. Or perhaps we might want security in terms of friends and fulfillment in terms of being able to watch people grow.

All these aren't wrong by themselves. But really. True security and fulfillment. That begins and ends with a relationship with God doesn't it? I find my security in God. I find my fulfillment with God. Take away everything and I still have my security and fulfillment. Give me everything and I am not a mite richer, for God should be my everything.

I say should be, because I have yet to reach that. Today, I was kinda affected when I realised that one of my module's component grades didn't seem to be too good. So it really made me feel down for a while. In the end I mailed the prof and it turns out that it's not really a problem. Thank God. But then again, perhaps, if I really were to trust God as my everything, all this news should not even faze me.

So much more space to grow in terms of Christ-likeness.

NS Book Project

Has been gathering some steam over the last few weeks. Just seems that many people want to write and are agreeable. Just that they need countless reminders and pushing. So perhaps 10 reminders generate about 1 account. Draining at times. But really, it is kinda hard to keep reminding individuals repeatedly to hand us their accounts of NS. There're only a few of us compiling, compared to a potential pool of a few hundred (if we do get up to that much). Uses up a lot of time that could be spent elsewhere e.g. to figure out publishing... etc.

Then again, doing stuff for Children's Ministry under Aunty Cindy taught me quite a few things. That people are like that lah. What to do? I can get angry or I can just keep reminding them and keep pushing. Anger would be a waste of time. Hardly productive. Discouragement would be a waste of thinking space. This is natural stuff. It happens when there's nothing at stake for people. No money, no nothing. Makes no difference if the same goes for the one leading the project. Sometimes, they can't be bothered and you can't be angry. So you've got to tell your ego to take a holiday and keep working at it.

But ultimately, God sees it all. And that alone gives the whole matter a purpose.

That being said, there are some days that I do feel down trying to get this project done. Some days that I just seem to ask God. "Eh Lord, your project leh. For you one. It's not like we're earning any money from this at all. In fact, if anything, we are prepared to spend. Why don't you just make it easier and like y'know, inspire people to write and send stuff to me fast?"

Just remembering Nehemiah and the building of the wall. Few rewards, many discouragement. Lasting results.

Also remembered that if truly, this was God's project, as I claim it to be, then I need not fret. I do my part, and the rest I trust in God to provide. I don't need to worry about God's job.

And, quite a bit of good has come out of this project thus far. Talking with more people. Seeing various perspectives of God in NS. Remembering for myself some of the days that God brought me through. Yes, it's been rather rewarding. I do hope that this book touches people. Both those who've been through NS experiences, and those who'll never go through them. I am still excited about this and looking forward to it. Just need quite a bit of help. I don't need sympathy and agreement. I don't need yes in principle. I need action.

And face it. Perhaps I need to pray more.

Past Week

2010-04-25T22:26:00.002+08:00

It's been an eventful past week. Went out a couple of times. Went out with my LTB mates. Went out for Jon Lim's sending off. Swam once. Ran a few times. Met up with some friends... and so on.

Was activated last minute to join my kor's AdRace team. It's in the novice category. Bout 30 klicks. With running, swimming, cycling, skating, archery, vertical marathon. Sounds siong hor... Actually it was rather relaxed due to a bottleneck at the swimming station.

Jia Hao, Sarah Wong, myself, Kor

And here's Joshua with us at the start line. He's giving the victory sign cuz he managed to chao keng... Nawww... kidding... he was really sick.

After vertical marathon.

Start work tomorrow. And really want to thank God for the job. I know it's all God's providence.

That's all for now.

Short Note

2010-04-17T23:12:00.000+08:00

It’s been an interesting few weeks. The old school army mentality is that you have to break down and tear up a person before building him back up as a soldier. Ecclesiastes 3:3 speaks of a time to tear down and a time to build. I guess that it’s kinda happening to me right now.

Time to think about future prospects. Time to think about what to major in. Time to consider what to do with my life this summer. Time to find a job. Get some income.
Exercise exercise exercise.

As it is, exams are over. I want to do so many things all at the same time.

There is, however, quite a bit that I’m not intending to do. Especially in regards to camps and all. Heh, is it okay to be tired of even Christian camps? I think it is. Because there is a difference between ministry and God. We worship God and serve the ministry. Not the other way round. Often get that one wrong eh.

Success

2010-04-17T23:05:00.002+08:00

What is your measure of success? What is your measure of a successful Christian? A man or woman with many followers perhaps? A brilliant vocalist or musician? A Sunday School teacher whose kids adore him or her? Perhaps it is the person who memorises the most scripture, knows the most about the bible, speaks what sounds to be the most profound biblical truth. Or maybe for the more contemporary, Charismatic Christian denominations, it is the person who lifts up hands more during services. It is who sings louder, or displays more emotion or expressions when worshipping God. Perhaps it is he or she who kneels down the most in service.

I’m just thinking again. How shallow so many of us, myself included are, in forming an impression of people. We look to dress and appearance. We look to outer beauty and confidence. Poise and swagger. We look to influence. How many people listen to a certain somebody. We look to numbers in the ministry. Whose ministry is having the biggest growth in numbers. Who holds sway on decisions.

1 Samuel 16:7 says that the Lord did not consider Jesse’s sons for their appearance or their height. “The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.”

God was not admonishing none other than Samuel. In modern times, we’d have called him a kingmaker. He anointed two kings. Both which were used in their own ways to forward Israel’s national interests greatly.

What admonishment does God hold for me today? What admonishment does God hold for us? Are we looking at the correct things, really? Or can the correct things to look at be seen through human eyes? Have we looked at people through human eyes just as Samuel did? Or perhaps (I wonder which is more severe in repercussions) we've looked at ourselves through human eyes.

I was thinking in the past few weeks how I’ve begun to grow tired of Christianity. Then I began to think that I’ve not really grown tired of it... I don’t quite like many aspects of it at all! The artificiality of so many things and the pointless struggles. And then, it’s come to this point... where I’m beginning to understand that perhaps those understandings of Christianity aren’t too right at all in the first place. I’ve had much head knowledge. Known much stuff. But I guess that I still have a long way to go in understanding many of the most simple biblical truths. And perhaps I need to get back into that stuff.

Stuff like for example, how to love God. Or how to love thy neighbour. Or how to slow down and wait up on God like Mary did. Or how to tell others about God.

I guess one of the things that is lacking is this understanding... and much more, this life’s demonstration of what it means to be truly successful in the eyes of God.

I once heard someone teaching. And that person was saying something like, “You know, words like sanctification, pre-tribulation, the eternity of salvation. These are words that you’ll learn to pick up as you grow more spiritually mature.”

I was thinking then. How totally, completely untrue. Saying things like that does not make us spiritually mature. James 3:13. “Who is wise and understanding amongst you? Let him show it by his good life. By deeds done in the humility that come from wisdom.”

And that’s it. Wisdom and understanding shown from humility. A standard that I’ve yet to fully live up to.

Wisdom and understanding shown in humility. And where is success shown?

I look to Christ. Stand with me and look. Just look at Jesus Christ Himself.

“Now while He was in Jerusalem at the Passover Feast, many people saw the miraculous signs He was doing and believed in His name. But Jesus would not entrust Himself to them, for He knew all men. He did not need man’s testimony about man, for He knew what was in a man.”- John 2:23-25

“After the people saw the miraculous sign that Jesus did, they began to say, “Surely this is the Prophet who is to come into the world.” Jesus, knowing that they intended to come and make Him king by force, withdrew again to a mountain by Himself” –John 6:14-15

“On hearing it, many of His disciples said, “This is a hard teaching. Who can accept it?” Aware that His disciples were grumbling about this, Jesus said to them, “Does this offend you? ...” From this time many of His disciples turned back and no longer followed Him.” John 6:60, 61, 66

There we have it. Jesus did not entrust Himself to man. More specifically, He did not entrust Himself to the favour of men. He knew what was in a man. He knew that man looked at outward signs of success. They looked at his ministry. They saw the signs, they saw the results and the numbers. That was not what He was about. That was not what His success was about.

Some wanted Him as king. Probably to overthrow the Roman empire. But He was already king. He didn’t need them to make Him king. He didn’t want them to make Him king. That was not what being the Messiah was about.

Can you imagine the lure? The power? If I was in His shoes I might have convinced myself to think that I should become king of the people so I could reach out to more of them. But that was not on the mind of Christ.

He had godly success in mind.

So much so that He still taught hard teachings and had people leave Him in flocks.
The success of Christ’s earthly mission was not on a throne with countless adoring crowds and professing individuals declaring His praise. It was not in the partitioned middle of a crowd shouting hosanna and laying down palm branches. It was on a cross. Naked, despised, afflicted.

Godly success does not equate to human approval. It does not equate to the things we often want or desire. Chasing an earthly definition of success, even within the confines of a church or ministry will cause our Christian walk to stumble, lose grip and fall off. It does not make much of a difference even if we baptise such success with hearty doses of “how God has blessed” or “we trust God for” or “this success is from God”.

That I would do well to remember. And practice.

Exams almost over...

2010-04-13T22:13:00.003+08:00

Exams are almost over. Not too much left...

Last week I got sick on Thursday, I guess in large part to a midnight rendezvous on Wednesday night. Travelled to NTU to celebrate a birthday. Was kinda sick already and initially didn't want to go. But after returning home at 0430 hours on Thursday... It was the brick (sic) that broke the camel's back.

There are a lot of things that I've been considering lately.

In chasing God, can we over-chase? A rhetorical question. The answer is undoubtedly yes. Perhaps sometimes we chase so hard that we run ahead. We run the race without looking back, and that is good. But sometimes we run ahead of God. And perhaps we keep up our quick pace, straining forward but wondering why we've lost sight of God.

As it is, feel kinda apathetic and lost with life lately. And snappy. Like, growl, bite. Bares fangs. ROAR.

I guess got quite a bit of stuff that I'd like to do this summer. On my list right now. Learn some financial stuff, whip myself into shape (due to falling sick and studying, this is the first time since perhaps Decemeber last year that I've not exercised for a full seven days in a row), sleepovers, hammock nights, think seriously bout what to major in, find a job, swim, run, perhaps learn to skate, perhaps improve on guitar skills, perhaps brush up on cooking skills... Lots of possibilities. Oh, and the NS book project.

Yet, it is painfully apparent that fulfilment will not come by these things. And that I would need to take into very serious consideration.

What happens when we try to live out the expectations of ourselves and of people? What happens when we try to fill shoes that aren't assigned by God? What happens when a whole Christian community eggs one on to do stuff, believing in you, encouraging you? And yet, there is no assurance from God? As it is, I'm rather jaded with the whole matter. Kinda tired with Christian camps and all that stuff. After years of that I feel that if I were to go much further into it the way I'm doing, there might be an artificiality and stiffness and too much reliance on one's own strengths and too much expectation to meet. So I stop dead in my tracks and kinda realise that that's not a good option either.

Man, I got some thinking and praying to do in earnest this summer, don't I?

As it is, I wryly note that the state I'm in has constructive dimensions to it. When you fall down into the dirt sometimes, you remember how it feels. You become less judgemental and you think twice before saying anything sanctimonious (heh, borrow your wording hor Enos) and holier-than-thou. It is sickening at times to think of how I've probably been prone to that many times. Well, I guess that any well-intended detached advice becomes irritating to my ears now... and that is good, since I'll be less prone to well-intended detached advising myself.

Snap. Growl. ROAARRR.

Back to the valley.

The brooding dragon lies in his cave, growing fat. One day he'll get back to all that dragon-y stuff. Duh duh duh. But today? Ah... zzzZZZ.

Happy Day

2010-04-05T11:55:00.002+08:00

Had a happy Sunday.

Just simple stuff, really, hanging out in church with Jesh and Enos. Then after that going to witness baptism. Followed by a recce trip to the Botanical Gardens. Haha. Jesh and I went by bus. We actually caught up with Joseph's car! The roads there are real confusing I guess. So Jesh and I were heading in the right general direction down the wrong bend. That's when we saw Tiew's car passing us by. So we thought we were down the right way. A couple of minutes later the same car drove out. Dead end. Haha.

So spent the late afternoon till evening walking through the Botanical Gardens with Jesh, Enos, Ivy, Charis, Tiew. Quite reminiscent of army times, all the greenery. Not studying or thinking bout stuff at the Gardens really got me relaxed, so I guess that was awesome. After that had dinner at Cathay. Aaron Lim joined us.

This week will be my study break. Next week will be my exam week. Guess will just have to do my best and the rest is not in my hands already.

This summer I still haven't found a job. Guess I'll also want to spend some time chilling, doing a couple of sleepovers, hammock nights. And also want to think and pray more bout the future. What to major in, look into what type of internships to pursue in the future, look at possible areas to go for foreign exchange... etc etc.

What is the proper work or study / life / ministry balance to strike?

And of course there'll be the NS Book Project, which I'm really looking forward to starting proper. Got lots of promises. But still waiting for a lot of the proper written drafts to come in.

Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee: because he trusteth in thee. -Isaiah 26:3

At the foot of Sinai

2010-03-31T22:52:00.002+08:00

Exodus 33 speaks of particular point in the Israelite's journey. It's a point where the God actually threatened to let the Israelites go into the promised land themselves; His Presence would not go with them.

Moses in Exodus 33:12 to 33:23. He did not want to go up with anything short of the Presence of God. He would rather have camped at the foot of Sinai than go up without the Presence of the Lord.

That's one of the things I've been praying about a lot these days. That's one of the reasons why I've stopped taking up things, stopped signing up for most camps for now (even camps that I'd normally go to). I'm not too sure if I'm putting my efforts into exactly where God wants it to be. So I'm not planning to do much. Just planning to wait on God for now.

Was spending some time in school studying with one of my friends. And I was just telling him. If the things that God intended for me to do (the "good works" intended for us to do, as Ephesians 2:10 says) could be quantified and measured. Then how many percent of that have I fufilled in my first academic year in SMU?

Monday night I had a project group meeting from 7p.m. till 4:45 a.m. All through the night my friends were playing pop songs, ballads and all sorts of secular music, and also looking up music videos for our project. And what struck me time and time again was the debilitating effect of all that noise and emphasis on sex and violence. I guess that after all the time spent with God this year and the changes I've made to my persona life, I could really feel the difference with all this media blaring. It reminded me that one of the most key factors (yet hardest) to keeping oneself pure in thought is to be very careful what we allow to get into our minds.

I was also pondering one of the latest BSF lessons. It spoke of John 4 and the verses 13 and 14 spoke of the water that gives eternal life. That anyone who drinks of it will never thirst again. And I just thought of the truth in those statements. It's true that many of us try to use various ways and means to fill the emptiness in our lives. Many of us today can't quite survive without the music or TV being left on all the time. Is that really because we love music and love entertainment? Or is it really because we're trying to fill up a God-shaped gap in our lives?

What do we do when we feel tired or restless? Music? TV? Computer games? I don't know about you, but I've found that personally, it'll almost always make things worse.

I think the answer is often (not always) to wait on God in silence. When we're bothered. When we're angry. When we're frustrated or worried, angsty or lonely. To turn before God and learn to wait on Him in silence.

The Treehouse

2010-03-19T23:26:00.006+08:00

"Daddy, daddy," cried the young boy. "I've finished building my treehouse!"

There was the crinkle of a newspaper being put down as the father looked up from his morning paper and coffee.

"Well done son!"

Of course, it wasn't really that much of the boy's own work. The father had bought the wooden planks, the rope and the nails. He'd taught his son to hammer the nails to put the planks together but ended up doing more than half of the work. Whole weekends had passed as the father taught the boy to saw the planks to the correct size, make appropriate measurements, and how to set everything up on to the tree in the backyard.

What the boy really meant was that he had, with the help of his mother, hoisted up a few stools into the treehouse and rolled out a mat. But of course the father was not one to bother. His son's first treehouse. He was quite content to leave it at that.

"Come and see dad! Come and see!"

Oh, he'd seen enough of the treehouse, alright. But the father dutifully complied. Folding up his paper and gulping down the last mouthful of coffee, he strode out to where the tree stood. The sun rays shone through the leaves to play on the faces of the exuberant boy and his father. A slight gust of wind rustled the leaves as the shadows danced on their joyous countenance.

"Well, my dear boy. You must be mighty proud of your work! Now tell me, what do you plan to do with your treehouse?"

"Thanks dad! I couldn't have done it without you," the boy replied, gathering together enough modesty as was possible for a child his age. "But I'm sure glad to have put this treehouse together all by myself!"

The father grinned. But his child wasn't looking at him. The boy was transfixed with the treehouse.

"Since I've got such a nice treehouse. Why not I put more stuff in it?" The boy enthused.

"I want to put in curtains tomorrow morning."

"After that, instead of a rope, I want to have a nice wooden staircase leading into the treehouse"

"Then, I'll need more wood, dad. I want the treehouse to have at least one more room."

"I'll decorate that room too. I think it could use a nice sofa. I want to bring up a TV into that room."

The father turned to look at the boy.

"Well, you'd need some electricity for that wouldn't you? How'd you do that?"

"Dad, we could connect a wire all the way from home into the treehouse!" The boy declared.

"After that, I'll have my video games brought up to, so I can play or watch TV, whatever I feel like doing."

"Then, I want a fridge too. I want food inside to treat my friends."

"I want a balcony for my treehouse, just like we have at home. Only, it'll be bigger and better. I'll need more wood for that too, dad."

"And oh, a birdhouse. A birdhouse in the tree. I want to build a birdhouse!"

The father cleared his voice. His son paused to look expectantly at his dad.

"Do you think that the tree could bear all that weight? If we put so much more into the treehouse, everything's gonna collapse."

It pained the father to see the disappointment written all over his child's face. And yet, what else? Could he have agreed to his son's requests if he loved his son? No. He'd have wasted time and money doing all the renovations. And worst of all, the entire treehouse would collapse. And then his son would be even more disappointed.

So often in life, work and ministry, we want more, more, more. We rush to build up our own treehouses to be bigger and better. But there are things to consider.

1) We really didn't build the treehouse in the first place. It was God. So why are we trying to use our own very limited skills to improve on what God has done for us?

2) The tree can't hold all that weight. Our lives will collapse if we put too much into it.

3) If we're so concerned about putting more into the treehouse, we'll never enjoy the treehouse itself.

4) If we're so concerned with the treehouse, we forget to spend time with the Father.

So I've been thinking for myself. Have I overstepped men's boundaries? And more importantly so much as to completely overshadow the former, have I overstepped God's boundaries?

I gaze upon my own treehouse. The warning signs are here. Perhaps I need to relook my blueprints.

Birthday Musings

2010-03-19T23:01:00.002+08:00

I suppose one of the questions people would have to ask is why I didn't want my birthday celebrated this year, why I kept quiet about it. Two key, interrelated points, really. Firstly, the money could be better spent elsewhere. Secondly, I feel that many birthday celebrations (especially those amongst Singaporean youths and young adults) have lost their true value.

I'm glad to celebrate friends' birthdays. However, I don't quite want anyone to splurge for me unnecessarily. I've got my family, my motley crew of brothers, my friends in church, Crusade, school and perhaps a dozen other places. And these relationships and friendships are more than enough for me. I don't need my birthday to be celebrated every year. Perhaps once in a while is fine I guess.

This isn't always the case. But more often than not, as youths, we spend so much of our allowance or income on needless things. One of these is birthdays. If we had a group of say 10 friends. And we wanted to make each person's birthday memorable. Well, we'd spend perhaps 10 bucks for each person. Meaning that each person would have paid at least 100 by the end of the year. Now, take into account various social groups... etc etc. What a huge waste of money.

This is not to say birthdays aren't worth spending on. They are. But perhaps we should use our money more sparingly. Perhaps there are better ways to celebrate a birthday. By putting money into birthdays to buy gifts, we have in a way become ritualistic about it (not in a religious sense). It's a yearly ritual. It loses its value to us.

Do we really celebrate birthdays because we want to? Or do we often do it because we're compelled to?

How bout individuals who feel hurt if their friends didn't celebrate their birthday? Well, to that I say, whether a friend remembers your birthday or not is not a determinant as to whether he or she is a true friend. If he or she remembers, very good. But friendships not all about that.

I think that a great many birthday celebrations are overrated. There was once during NS that they threw a surprise birthday party for a particular superior that we were opposed to. I asked the rest why they did it. Their reply? "It's his birthday what." That one really got me thinking. If we didn't mean it, why were we celebrating his birthday?

I would think a birthday worth celebrating only if I know it is celebrated by people who really love me. And then again, if I know these people really love me, why would I need them to celebrate my birthday anyway? So as it is, the knowledge alone is awesome enough. I don't need them to prove it through celebrating for me.

Once again, I'm not against this whole birthday thing. Just saying that great parts of it are overrated. And as far as I'm concerned, I'm rather glad that my birthday's not a boisterous affair this year.

Brevity, and a Letter

2010-03-14T22:57:00.004+08:00

I'd just like to post a quick one. Don't think I'll be able to blog for most of this week. Will be at Vacation Bible Camp from tomorrow night till Wednesday. So gonna sleep at church in the nights and go to school when there are lessons in the day. Really pray for God’s favour to be on the camp. I don’t quite know how it’s all gonna happen.

I’ve been thinking bout many things recently. I think I’ll just share some edited parts of a letter to God I typed on Friday evening.

"Dear Lord,

I’m sitting here at the bench outside the School Of Accountancy. A guest seminar has just ended. Many real cool speakers. Stuff bout entrepreneurship, bout making money. Bout chasing your dreams, following your instincts. Going out there to make a killing. I’m thinking that this is all very good. But somehow, I don’t seem to have that much passion for these things. I’m really not that interested in making that much money. I have one interest right now, Lord. And that is chasing after your heart. Just like Acts 13:22 said that David chased after yours.

I’m thinking. How did Daniel feel when he was in the courts of Babylon? All the power. All the trappings and glory of Babylon. Wasn’t he awed by the royal splendor of the king? What was it in Daniel that caused him to still chase after you in those courts?

I’m in a school in the heart of the city. It seems to embody the city culture. Fast-paced life. Glamour. Nicely dressed ladies and gentlemen. People who tell me that I’ve got to know where I’m going in life. People who say to me that I should enter SMU with a dream. And work hard in that four years to fulfill that dream. Not all of that advice is bad. But Lord, I’m just thinking. Money, fame, power. All the glamour. The chasing of the dream. It does not resonate with me. What do I seek? I seek your face, dear Lord.

Yet for reasons I am not really clear about (I thought I knew why I was studying Business before I enlisted, but that was then), you’ve allowed me entry into this university. Into a Business Management course. I prayed about it. I got in. Here I am. Now what? I stand in an earthly court and I look to a heavenly throne. What do you want for me Lord? Speak to your servant that he might listen and carry out what he needs to.

Here I am. I am standing in a crowd transfixed on the temporal (but of course not all the crowd... there are still a handful who put you first- then again how would I know, you Lord, search their hearts, not I). A place where people look all around them, but do not look up to you. I lift my eyes up to you O Lord. What do you want for me? What do you want from me? All I am is yours, dear Lord. Do as you will.

I’m chasing you. I’m feeling pressured that I may not be chasing earthly things enough. Am I honouring you in what I do O God? Am I spending too much time in ministry? Speak to your servant O Lord. If there is any way in which I do not honour you, please tell me. I want to honour you in everything I do. I seek you with all my heart. Do not let me stray from your paths.

Yet if it pleases you O Lord, guide me. Lead me into the exact place that you want me to be. That I may serve you and please you and work for you O Lord. I will not be sastisfied with money or power or fame or glamour. I desire to cast not a fleeting glance on young women as they sashay their way around the campus in their pretty clothes. I desire to fix my eyes on you O Lord. I will only be satisfied when you are satisfied with me.

I know not how many days I have on this planet. I know my glory is an eternal one. I know that above all these temporal things, I chase an eternal glory. I chase you O Lord. Not the things of this world. I run the race and I desire to hear my well done, thou good and faithful servant. Teach me O Lord. To run with focus. To know what to put my strength into. That in all I do I may be pleasing to you. That the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing to you O Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer. That is all I will O Lord. To be pleasing in your sight. All I have is yours. It is at your disposal. Take and use and do as you will. I am yours. Only say the word, that your servant might do what you will. Here I am. Teach me your ways O God."

Yeah, so that's it for now. Also thinking bout ministry stuff and all.

A short break

2010-03-11T15:29:00.003+08:00

Rinjani.

There's something in me that likes scenery. Something that enjoys the sun, the wind blowing in my face. I'm very thankful to God that yesterday was a relatively cool day. I went for one of those enjoyable runs again. It took me about an hour to run from home to church with my clothes in a bagpack. I truly truly enjoyed myself.

These past 24 hours have been a kind of break for me. A short one though. I cleared my Stats mid-terms last Fri. Tuesday night was Analytical Skills mid-terms. This sem's gonna come to an end very soon.

Tomorrow's gonna be a full day at school. And then Saturday to Wednesday are pretty much gonna be filled with VBC (Vacational Bible Camp). I'm looking forward to it. A large part of the reason being that I too have a lot to seek God for.

The physical, mental and spiritual

2010-03-02T22:29:00.002+08:00

I wanted to type a long post. And I started. But after a glance through, I realised that it might not be doctrinally sound. It might not be encouraging. Truth is, I am rather tired right now. Another reminder from my dad not to take up too much stuff as to burn out. And I guess that that's a good reminder.

I suppose that even as we ask God for His rest and for His strength, He's also given us the human ability to sleep, to recharge, to plan our time. I would do well to remember that. In my chasing of God I need to remember that I am human. I have crucified the sinful nature; I have died to flesh. But as it is, I still compose of flesh. My flesh has its limits.

While I endeavour to serve God with all I have let me remember that:

1. It's not as if God can't do it without me. He can. He just chooses to include me in His work. It's really not for me to worry about. It's for me to enjoy. For I do believe that even if the work includes sowing in tears, godly joy can be evident throughout. 1 Thessalonians 5:16. Be joyful always.

2. God created me as a fleshly being. While I have given up the carnal nature, I am still human. God's creation is specifically designed for its own purpose. The mighty tiger has to go out to hunt its prey. It cannot lie down under the sun all its life (even though I do suppose that a delicious cat-nap- if its tinier cousins I see all around the neighbourhood are anything to go by, are one of the things it was built for). Conversely, the great oak needs to be content just where it is. It cannot pluck out its own roots and decide to move even a single foot from where it is placed. It must stay under the sun all the days of its life. And from where it stands, extend its roots out to find moisture.

The tiger is not the oak. And neither is the oak the tiger. Each has its own God-given beauty and majesty. Each has its God-intended design. If the tiger tries to live out its destiny by doing as the oak does, it will die. And the oak, if it were to be able to decide to move, would try to take just one step away from where it is, would probably break its roots and lose its source of nutrients.

Am I trying to live out another man's purpose? Or am I living out just my purpose?

3. If I become less joyful and more pressured, something is beginning to become wrong. John 10:10 declares that the God has come so we may have life in abundance. So it follows that if I have less peace or less joy, something has begun to sour. I need to check myself.

If a car's engine begins to crackle and vibrate, no sane car driver will step on the accelerator and just wish the trouble away. He will pull up his car to the side. He'll lift up the bonnet, and check what is the problem.

Sometimes it will be a process of elimination. Am I spending enough time with God? Check. Am I doing what I should in ministry? Check. ... Am I spending enough time being who I should be? Maybe not.

And then, the car driver will find the fastest way to take it to a suitable workshop. He might haggle about the price. But unless he knows any better, he will probably not have much to say against the recommendations of the master technician.

Lord. Tired leh. So how?

4. To ask for a good night's sleep is biblically sound isn't it? Psalm 127:2 says He grants sleep to those He loves. So besides simply asking for a good night's rest. I should do what God probably expects me to. To go to bed early. To rest.

Photos and Thoughts

2010-02-26T22:32:00.002+08:00

These photos were taken at the Marina Barrage on Monday for Crusade DG day out. I had fun, yes.

Tuesday and Wednesday was hardly fun. Attended the wake of one of my CM kid's dad. Passed away in a car accident. That took up some time, and I didn't get that much studying done this week after all. But if I had to re-live this week, I'd still go down. I had to be there.

Thursday met up with Tiew for lunch.

Friday. Project meeting, back home again. Started getting some work done.

The many events and issues this week have got me thinking. I'm even a little troubled by some of them.

To top it all off, there's still the studies that I have to do my best in. Really need prayers for this one.

As I did my QT today, I thought once again about the days He's brought me through. I remembered a day where we walked through Woodcutter's Trail. I remember the combat load. I remember the tiredness. I remember that He's done so much for me. And that I need only fear Him; nothing else.

NS Book Project

2010-02-23T14:08:00.003+08:00

Dear brothers,

We’re working on a NS book project. It’s going to be a compilation of our Church of Singapore (MP) NS testimonies. The purposes are threefold. Firstly, to thank God for bringing us through those dark and dreary days. Secondly, to encourage those who are about to enlist or are still serving the nation. Thirdly, it’s to give our sisters-in-Christ a better understanding of NS. (Yes, we know that the best of our lady friends are bored to death by our army talk…)

Attached are general guidelines and an example of a very short testimony. Longer testimonies are definitely welcome (and in fact, encouraged), but please keep them below 1000 words. You may submit as many testimonies as you wish.

Please send your testimonies or any enquiries to mynsdays@gmail.com .

Cheers,

Jeshua, Caleb and Tai Yong

General Guidelines

This will be the general overlay of the book:

Contents
1. Before BMT
2. BMT
3. Training Schools (e.g. Signals Institute/ SISPEC/ OCS)
4. Unit Life
5. SOC/ IPPT
6. Range/ Live-firings
7. Nearing ORDinary life
8. Closing Advice/ Words

Other possible areas to touch on: BGR, spiritual attacks, struggles... etc.

Due to the sensitive nature of military information, we will not be publishing certain details. They include but are not exclusive to:

1. Unit names
2. Names of military superiors
3. Weapon names
4. Code names of military exercises
5. Names of host countries for foreign exercises
6. Details of bilateral exercises

We reserve the right to edit or reject portions of the testimony that are inappropriate or un-publishable.

An Example

Unit Life

"Bullets 2 metres from me

There were numerous instances of God’s divine protection and providence. I was once alone in the 300m range with a soldier carrying a light machine gun. While in the midst of clearing his weapon, he misfired into the ground 2 metres in front of me, kicking up sand in my face. I was stunned for a moment. I thank God nothing happened to either of us. If the guy was careless enough to fire off a few rounds while clearing his weapon, I must have been very blessed that at least the weapon was pointing away from me."

Questions you might want to consider while writing your testimony:

• How did God bring you through NS?
• What were some of the high and low points of your NS life?
• How did you view God in these times? (e.g. Far from God / Lack of peace / Close to God).
• Did you grow stronger or weaker in your faith as a result of NS?
• Looking back (if you’ve ORDed), are you grateful to have finished NS and what do you thank God for changing in your life in NS?

Giving Thanks

2010-02-21T22:22:00.013+08:00

It had been a long day. It was about 8:45 p.m.

I was waiting with Jeshua at the bus stop. We'd been talking when my bus came to a halt in front of us. As I boarded the bus I was still talking to Jeshua. And as I headed toward the back of the bus I gave Jesh a call just to finish that discussion.

As I sat there I contemplated my day. I gave thanks. I spoke to God. It had been a satisfying day. Running around and doing stuff and talking to people. Teaching my kids in the morning. Working on the NS Book Project. Such joy in doing things for God.

A man in a white top and black pants boarded the bus. A bus ticket inspector. Nothing out of the ordinary, really. I'd been seeing them around ever since I was in primary school. He made his way down the aisle, checking EZ link cards, as they always do.

My bible was still open on my lap as I handed him my card. I was reading from Ezra this evening. It's something I've grown to love. Using transport time to read God's word and pray. (Of course, I try to read only when the bus stops, if not my eyes will start to hurt).

The gentleman was visibly tired from a day's work when he took my card. He tapped my card.

Frowned. Tapped again.

"Mr. Foong," he began.

Goodness. I'd forgotten to tap my card. I'd been too engrossed discussing stuff with Jesh.

And so he showed me from his machine that I'd not tapped the card, explained to me the PTC (Public Transport Council) Act and told me that I needed to pay a S$20 fine. So I did.

Well, I sat there in my seat in silence for a moment. There was a sinking feeling in my heart. I felt sad. I felt sad for many reasons all at the same time. I felt sad that it was my fault that I had to pay a fine, even though it wasn't intentional. I felt sad and a tinge of disappointment that God had let this happen even though I'd been busy serving Him and honouring Him, these last few weeks especially.

A few thoughts came into my mind in quick succession.

"Why does this have to happen? I've been so pressured the last couple of days doing Biz Law and all. This morning it was hard just to wake up and go to church. It's been a long day. This is like the last straw."

I realised that the thought wasn't from God. I took it captive. Pushed it aside.

"Look I've been serving God so faithfully. I've been doing my best to honour Him these last few weeks. Why does God let this happen? I mean, if He does this when I'm in a season of not walking closely with Him, it'd make sense. But why now? Don't I deserve God's best as I give Him mine?"

I paused. This one really hit home. But I knew it wasn't from God either. Same thing. I took it captive.

I opened my bible again. A quick recap for verses I needed to see again. I knew them by heart. But I just needed to literally see them again.

Romans 8:28.

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose."

1 Thessalonians 5:18.

"give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."

I began to pray. "Lord thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. It hurts that you allowed this to happen. It's unintentional but I had to pay a fine. The loss of 20 bucks does not pain me so much as the fact that I had to pay a fine. Lord, your word says to thank you. So I'm thanking you. Thank you Lord, thank you Lord, thank you Lord. Lord, your word says that this will work for my good. Lord, just what are you teaching me in this?"

As I sat there praying and meditating on God's word, and even as I got off the bus eventually, still meditating on His word, God was teaching me lessons. Allow me to share them with you.

1) It's only a small matter. If I don't accept this from God now, if I don't begin to praise God and lift up thanksgiving to Him in such small an issue, how would I praise God when He brings me through darker valleys? Job fell down to the ground in worship to God when his children and possessions were taken away from him. I need to worship and thank God in the midst of this fine, even if it hurts. For in a man's walk with God, God will definitely allow difficulties, trials and all this sort of thing to happen, for our training and our good.

2) "A man's own folly ruins his life, yet his heart rages against the Lord" - Proverbs 19:3. So often we make mistakes on our own accord. It is inconsequential whether it is intentional. We turn around and become angry with God. We question why He allowed us to make that mistake at all. "Well, why didn't He prevent it from happening?", we often cry out. Look, I'd made a mistake in not tapping my card. Would it be right for me now to turn around now and be angry with God? No. I needed to give thanks.

Very often we also blame the system. I could begin a very negative train of thought for example, thinking that I've been a loyal customer of SBS since primary school days. That I've always paid my bus fare and perhaps that I might conceivably forget to tap my card one out of a thousand rides. What moral right would SBS have to fine me for forgetting to tap my card? Couldn't they just have gotten me to tap and pay the price? This is unfair! They're earning so much and yet they want more.

Well, I believe that one thing God reminded me of is that we really shouldn't complain or argue (ref. Philippians 2:14-15). We are not to vent frustrations on "the system" and get angry. Granted, it may be unfair at times. Yet all we are required to do is to wait upon God in quietness and trust.

Many seek an audience with a ruler, but it is from the Lord that man gets justice. -Proverbs 29:26

3)We don't deserve anything. Could I have said that I have served God faithfully and then I deserve to not have such things happen to me? It might make sense at first. Why should a good man suffer? Then again, am I really a righteous person?

The answer is yes, I am a righteous person. But that is right where the argument begins to flounder! You see, that righteousness is from God. It comes by faith and is by God's grace. I cannot say that "Lord I have been righteous and so I deserve such and such." Then how might God possibly respond?

"Child, you are righteous. But only because of the blood of My Son on the cross. You deserved to die, but now you are saved."

And then what might I possibly be able to say? It becomes very clear indeed; Christ died for my sins. What do I deserve? I deserve to be separated from God. Yet by His blood I am saved. Could I raise a brazen face up to God and say, "Look God! I don't deserve this!"

No. I could not. I have no say. I did not pay the price. Jesus Christ did. I belong to God and it is not for me to complain. I have nothing to bring before God to show that I deserve His favour, except His only begotten Son.

4)Throughout the past few weeks, (in particular after what Uncle Tony said in church about our possessions being God's possessions) I've been telling God regarding my money: "Lord, this is your money, all of it. Use it as you like." Of course, I've also prayed for blessing and all. Well, this twenty dollars fine. That was God's money wasn't that? Should I feel unhappy that I'd lost it? It was God's money. God did not allow my money to be taken away by a fine. He allowed His money to be taken away by a fine. How could I complain? God is sovereign over my whole life and rules over every single thing. I am His. My everything is His.

Ah, Romans 8:28. So what good grew out of this? Well, I think I grew wiser. I think I'll be more careful in tapping my card, even though it's so rare not to tap my card. I have so much practice doing it, I wryly note.

And if you have learnt something from this post. Well, I guess that it has worked out for your good as well, that God allowed this to happen to me.

-End-

Below: A couple of snapshots of Optimus Prime, who I brought along to CM for part of my lesson. I believe he suffered great indignity at the lunch table, where Andrea and Zhang Pei put him through an ardous routine of ballet dancing and decorations with a plastic Chrysanthemum flower. He can take being manhandled. He can take long drawn violent battles with the Decepticons. But ballet and girly stuff? Tough on him.

He's undergoing counselling right now. Deeply troubled. Andrea, Zhang Pei, look what you've done.

Andrea... Zhang Pei... You touch me again and I'll blast you to pieces... Grrrr... Zhang Wei and Clara Ying. Don't you laugh either. This is so not funny.

Okay... Think happy thoughts, think happy thoughts. Transform into vehicle mode and think happy thoughts. Relax on Tai Yong's bed. Ahhhh... Now don't think bout the flower... Relaxxxxx....

Prep for BLaw Exams

2010-02-17T21:36:00.002+08:00

Come Friday and Saturday, I'll have 45% worth (of my Business Law course grade) of presentations, written report to submit and mid-terms. Been working quite hard over the last few days. All through Chinese New Year I've been reading too.

Today I did my Stats homework. And was so glad that I kept my old JC notes. It took me quite some time.

I was feeling quite discouraged studying when I sat down to do my evening quiet time. But felt much, much better after that. Read through Matthew 11:28-30 again. Read Psalm 27, Phlippians 4:4-7... etc etc. And I just remember once again, that quite similar to Matthew 6, I shouldn't worry so much about my studies. It writes in Matthew 6 that we shouldn't worry about what we will wear or eat or drink. And that life is more important than clothes.

Similarly, in modern times, as students, we shouldn't worry about our studies, about our tests, exams, which school we'll go to, what career we are to pursue in the future. The words in the bible call out to us, "Is not life more important?"

Is not life more important than studying? Why should studying sap the joy out of life? Is joy based on our studies? Philippians 4:4 says to "Rejoice in the Lord always." and just in case the reader doesn't catch it, "I say it again. Rejoice."

I just want to say that I've got so much to thank God for. Family, friends. Everything. I've got to always remember my army days. The stuff God brought me through. What is student life, compared to all those days?

Still doing stuff for the NS book project these last few days. It's kinda like a bit of respite for me, to type that stuff...

Haven't gone running these last few days. Feels so weird. I've run about every single week since around November last year. Hmmm. Maybe, perhaps, tomorrow morning?

Glee.

2010-02-10T22:01:00.005+08:00

Okay, they took this shot for a Crusade event, Love Matters that's coming up on 12 Feb. It's a very special day for me. It's my ORD anniversary!!!

Apparently many people like to watch this new show, Glee. But I'm not intending to start anytime soon.

Many many many thoughts today. Bout stuff in the newspapers, bout stuff in church, bout stuff in school, bout stuff in friends' lives.

Photo with Joel from CM camp 2009.

Angela's birthday party on Monday night.

Lowell...

How to tell if I'm taking up something that I shouldn't

I guess I'm posting this up here as a reminder to myself as much as it is to everyone.

How do I tell if I'm taking up too much stuff in my life? What's the ultimate indicator? It's when my walk with God starts to suffer. If I take on stuff so much so that the quality of my walk (and many a time, even the quantity) suffers, then it must be too much.

My mom was suggesting to me that I might be taking up too much stuff recently. And I guess that that's a good reminder. Even though I'm convinced that I'm striking the right balance at the current moment, it is true that I'm treading a thin line. It'll be easy to get off this balance.

Talking with people is something I truly enjoy. I enjoy this ministry of exhortation, of prayer, of sharing my life, just as 1 Thessalonians 2:8 (I think) says that "We loved you so much that we were delighted to share with you not only the gospel but our very lives as well, because you had become so dear to us" (if I remember correctly).

Was talking with one of my friends on the train and he was saying that he doesn't get too involved in peoples' lives cuz he knows that he can't commit to following up. And was just pondering about what he said. Could I be getting myself into too many different lives? Is there a way to just "be around" and "be supportive" while at the same time knowing much? Tentatively I believe that it all boils down to the issue of wisdom. But then again, it remains to be seen.

God and NS - A Book Project

Just want to put this up here for friends who visit this blog but who I haven't talked to for a while. Caleb, Jesh and I are in the formative stages of coming up with a book. The key idea is for those who've been in uniform to share who God was to them inside of NS. The plan for now is to compile testimonies from church members regarding their experiences and how God was involved in those experiences.

Can't say too much for now, cuz we're all studying. But hopefully the idea will pick up some more steam when Summer break comes.

So for those who read this. You can send testimonies to me. Please also keep this one in prayer. :)

Going-ons

Update. The last few days have been mainly about talking to many people. Need to pray for wisdom. Need to continue to spend time with God. Need strength for each new day. Studies are heating up and many a time I am rather concerned that I'm not putting enough time into studying. So really need to organise my time well. Yet at least for now I am happy to report that I haven't been much distracted by unworthy pursuits such as TV, facebook etc... But need to keep going, keep going.

The theme verses for the moment seems to be Ephesians 5:15-17

Be very careful, then, how you live- not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord's will is.

And 1 Timothy 4:12-16 too.

... but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity. Until I come, devote yourself to the public reading of Scripture, to preaching and to teaching. Do not neglect your gift... Be diligent in these matters, give yourself wholly to them, so that everyone may see your progress. Watch your life and doctrine closely. Persevere in them, because if you do, you will save both yourself and your hearers.

Short Clipped Sentences

2010-02-07T22:02:00.003+08:00

A thought. This picture I took on Rinjani just seems to remind me of one of the things God told me before I enlisted. The one bout battles coming into view.

I had a fairly good day at church.

Taught my class... thought it's a rather quiet class; unlike my LOUD Sec 1s. So was a lil uncomfortable teaching this class today... a lil weird. Hope they'll be less quiet in days to come. As in, the GOOD kind of noise. But love this class still.

The had a VBC meeting.

Then spent some time studying beside Caleb, Sabrina and Jaslyn Leong.

Then went home.

Then had dinner with dad and kor. Drove, but goodness, have to improve on parking skills. Those aren't too good man. So much for poles in driving centres.

And now on the com... Hopefully get off soon to spend some more time with God.

Have a TWC mid-term tomorrow. Lalala.

Jesh flying back today I think.

A lil tired

2010-02-04T22:22:00.003+08:00

A lil tired these days. Perhaps drained from lots of the stuff that's been happening.

But remembering who God is in all that I go through.

School work's been kinda discouraging as of late. But in all this, have still to honour God first in everything. As such, waiting on the Lord for strength.

In all that I do, I always have to look back in history. I need to bring my mind back to the armskote, to the barracks, to the soil and to the jungle. I need to constantly remember days in the past, days harder than today that God has brought me through. Would I continue to trust in Him? Would I cease to worry (I'm rather concerned for studies these days), and just do my best, leaving everything into His hands?

I know I'm doing what I can for my studies. I know... but want to do even better than this, spend more hours on it. Yet sometimes so much wisdom is required. What to say "no" to and what to say "yes" to.

My comfort now is in God. It is in the fact that I know this semester, (as it is so far) is more honourable before God than the last. And my comfort is relying on God in my studies. Yet I must not repeat my mistakes in Sec. 3 and 4 when I took on too much.

Looking forward to teaching my Primary 6s this Sunday!

Sunday!!

2010-01-31T22:13:00.002+08:00

Today was a fantastic, wonderful day. Just have so much to thank God for. Clara brought a friend to church today and he accepted Christ. Just want to thank God for that!

Also want to thank God for so many good talks with my bros and sis today in church. With Caleb, Jesh, Daniel Li, Clara, Zhang Wei mainly.

Wanna thank God also. That was praying for a young female teacher to help out in Primary 6 and today Jasmine Chao volunteered herself without me asking to help out with Primary 6. Just very encouraged that God's answered this prayer.

Yup, just was telling Jesh. God's brought me outa one valley lately. And now's kinda like a mountain. Yet, when is the next valley?

On other matters, very excited regarding the NS testimony book too. But that one we just need so much to pray and seek and turn the thing over to the Lord before we start.

I am a happy man today. BIG SMILE.

What a day

2010-01-28T23:28:00.002+08:00

Had so much talking to do to so many people today. And for that reason did not touch my books as much as I'd planned. Business Law meeting today was a pleasure. Grin * grin *. Beginning to enjoy the subject.

There are so many thoughts in my mind. Issues of the past few days, issues regarding friends and friendships and the relationship stuff that I've been thinking, meditating, praying about. I guess that I've learnt quite a lot from the past few days. Especially from my mom and my kor. Still learning, still learning.

It is so very interesting how God brings cicumstances into one's life to shape the person. More often than not, how often we begin to see the benefits of such hard circumstances rests on how fast we begin to trust in God.

Yeah, I'm looking forward to the weekend. The CM meetings and all. It just gives me joy to spend time in CM with everyone. Love my Primary 6s this year. But need to spend more class time and all ah... Hopefully I'll have more of that.

Thinking, thinking. In the process growing wiser. Hopefully I don't over-think. If not ka-boom. Thinking too much can lead to stupidity. Analysis paralysis. And I wonder what the heck I'm saying. I'm not making much sense to myself.

Another post

2010-01-26T22:13:00.003+08:00

So here I am thinking what to post at this juncture. I'm not quite certain. But certainly, I would say I'm living out the result of me asking for wisdom. I think it's both ways that God can teach wisdom. It can come from let's say, like Solomon and God GIVING him wisdom just like that. Or it can come from trials and the like. Which, let's just say is what I'm facing.

Happenings

Sunday at church was good. It was a good time of catching up with bros and sis. And the curry was wonderful. A pity I got the bread too late. Aunty Cindy said to get it from Cold Storage and Caleb and I walked over. But Cold Storage ran out, unfortunately, and we had to get the french loaves from another bakery. Was a lil burnt I guess.

After that went with Jon Tay, Joseph, Dexter, Clara Ying to eat a little bit of stuff. Watched Clara eat at a certain place where ahem... the hygiene was questionable.

... then went to Treats for grass jelly. Then went to Caleb's grandma's place. Had dinner.

Of course time with the Pri 6s was well spent. Quite happy to have shared my faith twice this past week. And one of that was to a visitor to my class. This week I have yet to though.

Yesterday celebrated Chris' birthday in school. Then had lunch with TWC mates. Part of my new policy of reaching out to non-Crusade people.

And oh, I went for a 9 to 10 klick run this morning! Sooo glad. Been some time since I've done this. So I truly enjoyed every single moment of the run. Felt so awake and all, up till about 6p.m. I think. Could still pay attention in class.

Reflections and Lessons

Have been spending a lot more time on things I'd consider to be honourable to God. And haven't been able to spend that much time studying as before. Yet I'm doing my best. Some time ago I took out movies in the cinema, at least for now. I took out computer games as well, though it is, once in a while, a struggle. I don't watch tv except for news once in a while. There are times when I wonder whether it's too much discipline on myself.

Yet the reason I often think about things this way lies in Matthew 5:29-30. Let me put it here.

If your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go to hell.

The question I often ask myself is why I am so extreme in many things. Yes, I acknowledge that that are matters which I could improve on. It's not always zero-sum, yes. But then again, if we are called to cut off even things that matter so much, the right eye and right hand. Then, perhaps, radically cutting off things that will not benefit my walk with God, or my ability to honour God. Perhaps it is right? Then again, complications do arise.

Yet another piece of scripture I've been meditating on is 1 Kings 17:7-24. It speaks of the widow in Zarephath of Sidon. And Elijah was sent to her. He asked her for bread. And she replied that all she had was a handful of flour and a little bit of oil, and that she was going to make one last meal for her son and herself, before they were to starve to death. Well, Elijah told her to make bread for him first. And that the flour and oil would not run out till the day rain would be sent.

Elijah used to be my favourite bible character. It's still one of my favourites. My mom used to tell me that I was quite like Elijah, because of the emotional stuff. He liked to cry and all, just like me, she said. And yup, I did concur. - If you don't already know I used to cry a lot. Mom said that if I were a dragon (born in year of the dragon mah), I'd be a water dragon because of the tears.

On to the point. This scripture reminded me of something important. That as we obey God and honour Him first, He will provide. Look, the widow was in a desperate situation. She was prepared to starve to death. Yet out of that desperation came obedience. And by obeying, and giving up all she had left to survive on, she was saved by flour and oil that did not run out. Wow.

So it's a challenge to me. I like the way Matthew 6:33 puts it, in NLT:

"and He will give you all you need from day to day if you live for Him and make the Kingdom of God your primary concern."

Yup, was sharing this with Jesh and he was like telling me that it's quite the same as the NIV. But I just love the way it's phrased here. "Live for Him" and "primary concern", as juxtaposed to "seek first His Kingdom". (Then again, the word righteousness in KJV, NIV and NASB, that is another dimension altogether.)

Yup, so a challenge... and back to studying for this sem.

Thought for the day

2010-01-21T21:03:00.002+08:00

Was just pondering a couple of things today. Managed to finish what I'd planned to do ahead of time. Am really glad for that. And that left me time to ponder some stuff.

Am glad that I'm quite recovered from last week's sickness. Now back on track to exercising. Yesterday was a nice little run. Miss the times that I ran from home to East Coast and then all the way to the East near the SAF chalet and then back to the lighthouse. Today was some upper body conditioning. But no Daniel Li, I am NOT half as fit as you think.

I'm almost through the 3rd week of this term. So far things have been alright. A couple of hiccups here and there, but still alright.

Eyes focused on God, running the race. This is where the lactic builds up and either I stop running or I start to grow.

The more I think about it, the more I give thanks for the wonderful things that God has done when He brought me through the low points in the army. All the loneliness and pain for growth. It was worth it. Now each time I encounter loneliness or pain, I need to constantly remind myself that it is discipline from the Lord. It is training in godliness and must not be avoided.

Been up to something nice lately.

2010-01-14T12:55:00.003+08:00

"Hello, welcome again to Tai Yong's blog!! In the most breaking news, it seems that Angela and Caleb have finally begun to update their blogs after a long period of absence. Andrea's blog has yet to be updated and comments from her are expected. Jeshua has yet to start a blog. Lowell will most probably never start a blog (reverse psychology intended) and cough cough now has a blog too."

"Since everyone's so busy studying, let's take a little bit of a break. Amidst the spew of recent serious posts, here's one easier on the brain..."

"Enjoy!!!"

Hee... Made the puppet for Creative Thinking Module class.

It's a muppet made from a sock. So I guess it should be known as a Socket. Haha.

This here's what I've done to the shirt from Cambodia Aaron Lim gave me. Put in a button, sewed up the slits 5 inches (cuz a little bit revealing haha), and my favourite part...

... which could be my first serious work of embroidery. Took quite a few hours. Heh, hope the amateurish stiching stays.

A midnight post

2010-01-10T23:55:00.005+08:00

Alright, it's 0000 HRS as I begin to type this post. Want to sleep soon and had a rather draining day doing my best to inter alia study (biz law... etc), talk to people, meditate on God's word. (Inter alia means amongst other things... what a broad-based education we get in SMU... which has its inherent strengths and weaknesses).

But thought that I'd share a couple of thoughts that have been running through my head the last couple of days as I meditated on God's word and reflected.

But first some happenings this week with Crusade:

Adora, Daniel, Xian Jing, Mervyn and I on a roller coaster in the Croom.

Looks kinda convincing eh.

Loved the way Jump went on Friday. Treasured the fact that we could reach out to the community. That'll actually be one of my own personal focuses as well for this sem.

Some photos from Jump (that's what they call the Crusade meeting), where we went around to take pictures with people outside of the CCA.

Help help... the pillar is falling.

The More Serious Thoughts

Was helping myself to what is a portion of the prodigious amount of fruits I consume on a daily basis (a habit I've picked up since young- which makes me healthier and err... bowel movement easier). That was when I saw a little brownish bump on an apple. I tried to just cut off that part alone. Then I realised that the rot was a lot deeper than what I'd originally expected. Cutting the apple open confirmed my suspicions of a rotten apple.

Sometimes the apple looks so good on the outside. But it's rotting deep inside.

"... He (which is God) will bring to light what is hidden in darkness and will expose the motives of men's hearts." -1 Corinthians 4:5

Every apple that is in my home looks like it is good to eat. But whether or not it really is can seldom be seen from the outside. Yet every rotten apple will surely be discovered. One day, teeth will sink into it, or it will be sliced open. And then it's rottenness will be made apparent.

I'm reminded of how we can decay as chosen people. Sometimes it's a sinful desire or practice that we allow to linger. Sometimes it is an anxiety that we do not hand over to God. Sometimes it is a thought, a emotional scar even, or unforgiveness. Just as rottenness must start at some point and spread, so we start at some point in the rottenness of our hearts. And if we do not hand it over to God at an early stage, it will spread. God can still take it out, if we surrender it to Him (well, before it takes us out, that is), but the longer we wait, the more painful it will definitely become.

I was considering the way I live my own life. The areas of compromise and regret that I've had in the past on so many areas. The present multitude of my imperfections. And I just told God that "Lord, look. The buck stops here." I do "not want to postpone holiness in all areas and total surrender to a later date. There will be no end.

Perhaps a reflection I typed in September 2009 but never put up on my blog is better phrased.

"Ultimately what matters at the end of the day is whether I honour God or not. How much do I really trust God to bring me through? That I will obey all His laws at the cost of my pride, my success, my image? Will I run the full race or will I give the Almighty only half my heart?

There are many times that I was not totally (right before God) in the army.

I do not want to end university, graduate and reflect at that point that I was not totally (right before God) in university. There can be no further excuse.

The buck has got to stop somewhere. I cannot forever be making excuses. I cannot hide from the Lord. And some day, I will not be able to hide from men too. 1 Corinthians 4:5 “... He will bring to light what is hidden in darkness and will expose the motives of men’s hearts”

The summary question? Which do I fear more? Men, circumstances, trials and tribulations? Or the flash in the eyes of the Lion of Judah?"

Amongst other things. I've been praying for wisdom regarding time management. But as I prayed, something occurred to me. (Correct me if I'm wrong and if you love me). Good and wise time management is not when we are able to squeeze the most number of things into our lives. It is when we put in just the right amount of activities into our lives that the Maker desires. And when He is our first priority and the other priorities are arranged in a way that pleases Him.

Just another note on life and death.

"If any man builds on this foundation using gold, silver, costly stones, wood, hay or straw, his work will be shown for what it is, because the Day will bring it to light. It will be revealed with fire, and the fire will test the quality of each man's work. If what he has built survives, he will receive his reward. If it is burned up, he will suffer loss; he himself will be saved, but only as one escaping through the flames" -1 Corinthians 3: 12-15

When the day comes revealing the quality of my God-given work on this earth. Then will what I have built for God stand?

Alright, something happy. Had my new batch of Primary 6s today and really enjoyed time spent with them.

Met Carissa, Si En, Cheryl outside Fellowship Hall. Good to still see my Sec 1s around. Kinda miss them leh. Haha. But they are on to greater things!

Also, Carissa, thanks and am honoured by the message.

Enjoyed a quick but wonderful time with Enos and Jesh over lunch today.

Caleb came over with Aaron and some friends to collect the potted plants... Heh must state here to claim some credit for my grandma's green fingers... in anticipation of posts that will come up regarding the plants on his blog and how well they've grown.

Okay, that's all for this day. Later today... TWC and AS. Then study study study, cuz when the VBC (or is it VBS) week comes... well then at least I'll be able to make time for it. I'd like to.

3rd day of the term

2010-01-06T23:10:00.003+08:00

Cooking last month.

Alright. Have had a rather enjoyable first 2 days at school. Seems like I know so many more people in my various classes. Enjoyed all my lessons so far. Managed to do some studying today. A good warm-up to studying life once again.

Been trying out new ways to live. And so far, I think it's good. I'm talking bout living in a way that I put God first. Which Christian professes to put God first? We all pray that we might be able to. We all give verbal in-principle approval to the concept. But do we really live it out. Practically?

I'm rather serious in chasing after God this time round.

Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do. Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead. I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

All of us who are mature should take such a view of things. And if on some point you think differently, that too God will make clear to you. Only let us live up to what we have already attained.

-Philippians 3: 12-16

But need to rely on God's strength and wisdom and not my own.

Was talking to Jesh last night. And one thought I have: How do we not be of the world, live in such a way as aliens and strangers (ref. 1 Peter 2:11-12) in this world, as Paul says and yet have friends who are of the world? And yet love them, and yet make Christ known to them? It is definitely possible, according to the word. We are told to reach out. We are also told to be holy. The two are not separate, and neither is an excuse for not living up to the other.

I've got a new batch of Pri 6s. I hope my dear Sec 1s are happily settling in to school too. I miss them and yet I'm thrilled to be taking on a new bunch. So many things to share with them and teach them.

Heh, contemplating the fact that I'll be 22 this year. It seems quite fast man. Yet the only concern should be whether I am allowing God to have full control? That my life really counts for what He has designed it to?

Was reflecting at the start of this year, that God has brought me through so much. Since my army days till now. I have so, so much to be thankful for.

And yet, as Enos mentioned. I need to be careful not to be complacent.

Death

2010-01-02T22:23:00.003+08:00

Death is a theme that has cropped up multiple times for me this week. First in the death of a fellow Crusader, Rajan, then in many other conversations and films I've watched.

I think it's cropped up a couple of times in my dreams this last month as well.

So far be it from me to circumvent the topic. I shall take it head on.

First, a passage of scripture:

"I declare to you, brothers, that flesh and blood cannot inherit the kingdom of God, nor does the perishable inherit the imperishable... When the perishable has been clothed with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality, then the saying that is written will come true: "Death has been swallowed up in victory."

"Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?"

The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.

Therefore, my dear brothers, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labour in the Lord is not in vain."

First I establish that with the salvation of a Christian, death has lost its sting. We have a place prepared for us after we die. I'm not going to talk so much about the gospel message and evangelism, even though yes, that is once again becoming a matter of increasing importance upon my heart.

The thing I've been thinking about is my own life and death. Ephesians 5:15 says to be very careful how I live, not as unwise, but as wise. Verse 16 in KJV says to redeem the time.

A popular question goes, "if you had two weeks left to live, what would you do?" The very Christian answer of course would be something like. I would go out into the streets and evangelise... and so on. BSF asked me the same question. My response (okay, I clarify that intellectually I know, but practically, I have yet to live this statement out in its fullness) was this. Why do we need to wait until we have two weeks left to live to decide on doing great things? Every single moment of our lives must be lived in a way that is so valuable. That at any given time, we live it with impact, as if our lives were about to end.

(Anyway, if any of us REALLY had two weeks left to live. And that's the medical diagnosis, chances are, we'd be hooked up to all kinds of tubes and lie on a hospital bed, on medication and in discomfort. So much for the "what would you do?" question. As if we'd really have a choice most of the time)

And so one thing I desire this year. I desire to be found in God and His will. To go by His strength and wisdom. To, by the strength of God and not my own, make my life count.

Which in a more practical sense translates into: Spending time only on things that will count when I stand before God.

And given the distractions that modern life affords. The television, the internet, city life. Well, how do I go and spend time only on things that matter in the Kingdom of God? I would be considered crazy. I would be considered weird. (Come to think of it, I already am. So I have got nothing to lose. You can't lose something you don't have).

All that I need to know is whether God approves. Let me be willing to give all that I am for my Saviour. I often fail in this. But I must keep moving in this one direction.

Okay, last bloggable thought for the day:

Christianity means many things for many people. To the apostles it was a cause for which they would give their lives. It was a discomfort to their physical bodies, for they endured scorn, shame, persecution and death. Yet the joy it afforded them they considered great enough to endure all the hardship.

To people in persecuted nations, it must mean quite the same thing.

What does it mean to me? What am I willing to lay down? In a nation and place with so many believers, do we encourage each other to lay down much for His sake? What does the name of Jesus mean to us? The air-conditioned worship halls and great music, coupled with wonderful camps and fantastic "fellowship"? The children's, youth and tertiary camps and retreats?

If God requires it to be so, am I willing to be considered crazy even by fellow believers? And on the other hand, is it necessary? Would that really be Spirit-led?

Questions questions. I have many questions.

On a lighter note. A more buoyant note (cuz they will float in the baptism pool you see). Many of my Primary 6s will be baptised tomorrow. Yay! As they take this decision to follow our Lord, I pray for them so hard. That they will be blessed in all they do. That they will be given wisdom and shown grace as they enter into their teenage years. I am gonna miss my ten Sec 1s so so much. Benjamin, Nathaniel, Kosand, Gaius, Ting Wei, Si En, Carissa, Lydia, Cheryl, Jing En.

My mind seems to be thinking bout many other things. But I shall stop here for now.

To act justly.
And to love mercy.
And to walk humbly with my God.

Sleepover and Other Matters

2010-01-02T21:45:00.003+08:00

Well, just ended the last sleepover of this holiday season at Jeshua's place. As usual, there's always especially good food at his place, since it's done by Aunty Janet personally, not us amateurs. There's also a big plasma tv, which is perpetually on. That is good at times and bad at others. Was just thinking that at the end of this whole sleepover last night, there was very little deep talk. Only towards the end. But oh well, at least we watched two rather good films. Remember the Titans (which I feel still pales in comparison to Facing the Giants) and End of the Spear (if I got that right), bout Jim Elliot and his wife, as narrated by his son.

Everyone gets involved in moving the TV!

Thoughts of the Day...

I think... I think...

Let me share some of the thoughts I had today.

The end of TV Mobile. I was pondering over the last line of words on the screen. "Thank you for your support through the years." My first thought was "Haha, are you sure anybody was ever supporting TV Mobile in the first place?". Of course that was quickly corrected when two Chinese youth got into the seat across the aisle from mine and started to moan the demise of TV Mobile. One said that he had hoped to watch the World Cup on TV Mobile. (Which come to think of it, is a very strange statement. It would only make sense if say, he didn't have a tv at home, so he pays the bus fare to watch an entire world cup match? Prob would have to take the longest loop service available. Haha.)

On a deeper level, I thought about leadership. How does one really know that people are truly supporting him? I mean, I've led a couple of things. There've been times in the armed forces that I knew quite acutely that my men obeyed me only because they had to.

My secondary school VP, Mr Kwok once said something that made so much sense to me. He said that the respect a leader commands is not seen in him, but in the eyes of his followers.

There's an even deeper aspect to this. I might gain great respect of people. But if I myself am not fully dependent on God, then I am in deep trouble. I will one day fall from grace and all my followers will leave me. Then I will have nothing. No, I must fully depend and rely on God. Even then, I might one day be left alone again. But then I will have God, and it will be grace sufficient.

One of the concerns of my life is that people seem to respect me so much and have such a wonderful view of me. My instinct is almost to want to dig a hole in the ground and hide. I want to run off to a mountain to pray. The reason being that I know how fallable I am. Leadership can seem like a glorious thing. But when I take a step back and look at the full picture. When I see the holiness of God... I understand that I am hanging on to my end of the rope that leads to God. And I feel the weight of people hanging on to me. If I let my end of the rope go. If I let go of God, I fall off the cliff with the many people hanging on to me.

The solution seems to me to be to simply do what God has entrusted into my hands. And yet at the same time, I must be so careful to direct others to their own rope. That their walks and their faith be dependent on the Lord, not on me. If anything, I am an encourager, I am a fellow traveller. That is all I am. A fellow servant. Nothing more, nothing less.

Nothing more, nothing less.

First Reflections

2010-01-01T14:09:00.002+08:00

One of the thoughts I had during Meta camp was this. People make commitments for God during camp. There is often a sense of victory and overcoming. But the battle has yet to begin. Much of the camp for me was spent asking God for strength and wisdom to live for Him AFTER the camp. Living for God during any Christian camp is simple, chicken-feet fare. The tough part is living for God everyday. And that is where I have often fallen.

So, the true challenge is to take up the cross daily... not yearly. I can take up the cross once a year, but I might put it down multiple times. Then of what point would my walk be? No, the toughness of a Christian soldier is built up in the daily walk. Of non-compromise in the smallest things, of the daily maintenance of his sword and his gear for battle.

Hmm I can see my toe at the bottom right.

The highlight of Meta camp for me was the Street-E. Talked to about 8 people. A Muslim, a Christian family, a Buddhist, a Jew, a freethinker and 2 other Christians. It was wonderful to be out there doing this stuff. Also camped outside a certain place at Lucky Plaza to try to talk to people coming out. But nobody had time.

The challenge is not in Street-E. All that is needed for that is faith, the understanding that I have nothing to lose and thick skin. The challenge is in evangelising everyday through my life and actions. Of not hanging out all the time with believers only.

The Three Bibles

These are the 3 bibles that I remember using most often. The first is four-in-one. Wonderful for home study. It's a parallel bible, which helps me to understand hard passages since I can scour the word for meanings and implications available only in certain translations. The second is my NIV one. I've used it for a bit over a decade. It's accompanied me to school, church, army. Everywhere but out in the field. It is protected by much plastic and reinforced with cardboard pieces. The third is a Gideon's Bible. It's my outfield bible. I put it in Ziploc and bring it out into the jungle. So far, it's travelled into the jungles of Singapore and Taiwan and the forests of Australia.

I'm not trying to say that I'm spiritual. For goodness' sake, having more bibles does not make one so. But let me talk about the significance of each bible in this new year.

1)The leftmost bible. The four-in-one parallel bible. This bible is wonderful. It is huge. It is great for bible study. But because of its weight and size, I do not bring it out of the house.

Certain aspects of my walk with God must be like that. I pray, I study God's word. And that is very good. But if my life is represented by this bible alone. It would mean that I never bring my faith out of the house.

I would never do evangelism with this bible. It is too cumbersome. In the same way, in this new year, I must be very careful not to encumber others in their journey to salvation or in their Christian walk.

For me, this represents much meditation and time spent with God, where I am closed off from the rest of the world. It is good and Christ Himself often did it, going to quiet places to pray. But it is also a reminder that I can spend much time with God alone, and still not accomplish the Master's will. Other sheep the Master has which are not of this sheep pen. Them also He will call. And will that be my feet which bring the good news?

2)The normal bible. The workplace and wherever I am. I bring this bible everywhere. In the same way, I must live for God. I must be a blessing, not a curse, an encouragement, not a discouragement in my ministry to both believers and non-believers (yeah, I know there's this politically correct term called "pre-believers" but I'm not too fond of that).

For me, this bible represents my faith in all situations and all settings. Within and without the church's ministry. Am I the same person wherever I go? Do I follow different principles in different places? Will I keep true to God, and ready to share His word everywhere to everyone, in season and out of season?

3)The outfield bible. It was with me for some of the worst days. It's not really clean, cuz I've handled it with dirty hands in the jungle (I shall not elaborate).

For me, it is a reminder that as light and salt, we must be prepared to take the word of God into the toughest conditions. The word of God is a weapon, a double-edged sword. A sword must be ready for use. This sword is living and active and penetrates to dividing bone and marrow, soul and spirit. We must be very careful to think of the word planted in us as weapons. Not ornamental trophy swords displayed on a rack far from public view.

And with these reflections, I shall begin this new year...

With the 3rd sleepover of the season! Tonight at Jesh's place.

Yay, and with the toe nail removed I can now run again.

I Plucked My Toe Nail Off!

2009-12-28T11:28:00.004+08:00

All right.

This morning I decided that I had to pluck my toe nail off. Cuz I could see that it was starting to get infected. And I could see lots of water underneath the dead nail (bubbles, y'know). So woo hoo! I plucked it off. Yay!

So the question. Pain a not? Of course! Had to snip and cut and pluck. Took me almost an hour to do the whole thing. And when I reached the last part, where the toe nail is connected to the flesh. Wah, I almost felt like giving up at that point. But I resolved to carry on.

But am very glad I've done it. Quite an experience. Very pleased with myself.

I have a close-up of the toe way below. But I won't show it here cuz I just want to give the reader an option of not looking at the squirm-inducing image. (Though I know about 95% will scroll down for curiosity's sake anyway. But don't say I didn't warn you. It might be disturbing).

The highlight of yesterday was a nice stroll with Jeshua, Jing Yang and Joseph Poon from my place to the Levi/ Timothy BBQ at The Quartz. Well, actually, no. It was the longer walk with Jeshua after that back to the bus stop. About 6 klick or so I think. We discussed lots of stuff.

I really enjoyed the time at the BBQ. Was so much fun playing with my Pri 6s. (Who I could start calling "my Sec 1s" in a couple of days time). Looking at them graduate to YPM... Proud of them. Yet a tinge of sadness at seeing them leave the nest of protection and security. They are going to a place where they should and will be treated as youth. And youth make a lot more choices for themselves and are given a lot more freedom in many things. That is a necessary step but one not without its pitfalls.

I realised that I have so much to pray about these days. So many concerns and all. I just need to wait on God. And thus, my strategy for the coming Meta Camp, well, coming week, more like, is to take it easy and focus on waiting on God. After this whole season of waiting on God, there is at least one thing that I am quite certain off, that it is not the time for any added responsibility. It is the time to focus greatly on the present responsibilities.

That being said I just thank God so so much for this whole season.

Off to Meta Camp in a few hours.

Okay, as promised the photo of the toe is below. Viewer discretion is advised. Don't scroll down if you can't take it. Oh, I know you will anyway. Hee.

2 toes, 2 camps and a walk

2009-12-25T12:57:00.004+08:00

Question: Which toe is injured?

Taking a closer look.

Well, actually it's the right one. The left one is recovering cuz the nail has already been mostly plucked off. What you see is the "baby" nail growing out. I injured the right one when I was playing soccer on Wednesday before the Christmas Party (which was rather enjoyable! 3 cheers for Elissa and Pearlyn!).

Think it'll drop off. Not sure when. Don't know why my big toe nails get injured so easily these days. Perhaps it's the shoes. Perhaps perhaps.

So my toe leaves me wondering how exactly I'm gonna get through the next 2 camps. First there'll be the Primary 6 farewell camp on Saturday and Sunday. Then there's the Meta camp from Mon to Thurs. I plucked the left toe nail out cuz too many kids stepped on it during the children's camps, and it became loose.

Not really pleasant to pluck out a toe nail in the middle of a camp, but oh well, I remember that God has brought me through worse days.

I think the injured toe is actually good for me, cuz it kinda forces me to slow down a bit. Can't go out and run. So I have to sit down and spend more time waiting on God. So yup, that's good, I suppose.

Painful at times though. On Wed night the toe was throbbing. But now it's much better.

I'm looking forward to the camps, yet half dreading them. Cuz of the nail, and also cuz it'll be a jam-packed week to come. Sun evening after church there's a BBQ for Levite/ Timothy Cell, Thurs after Meta there's Co-workers' night, Friday maybe a sleepover, Sat SUPA camp reunion. Sun, church. Monday, back to Smoooo.

Then we have the 14 weeks of school. And I'm wondering what courses to take the sem after; there won't be too much time to think when I bid for them. And I'm also wondering how to find work for my next long term break. Prob my only long one without an ICT, cuz in 2011, the battalion's gonna start its ICTs.

Sunday again

2009-12-20T22:47:00.002+08:00

Was a good day today.

Went to the playground and played games with my Pri 6 class. Hee hee. At first everyone acted MATURE and didn't want to play. In the end they wanted to play Crocodile again. Haha. It's very... interesting. I for one openly admit I thoroughly enjoy playing children's games. But the children (becoming teenagers in a bit) won't admit it.

Been considering lately that it's been kinda hard to not keep growing in God and spending time lingering in the presence of God after camps. And thought that I lost a bit of that fire. But I know what's the reason- didn't spend enough time waiting on God. So when I came home from church today I acted on that thought. And it was an excellent time with God today.

Looks like my first uni hols will end soon (2 weeks). It's been nothing short of wonderful.

Will kinda miss my dear Pri 6. So good to see them all grown up. They'll be in the youth soon! I enjoyed myself thoroughly teaching them this year. Fantastic bunch of people. Hmmm. Hopefully the 26th to 27th thing works out fine.

But even as times in Children's Ministry are fun and all. I want to see them mature in Christ in the youth. I want to see them carrying on the good fight. I want to see them continuing to grow even though it is always so tempting to stop coming to church and all.

And was also thinking, my batch of 88 guys. Heh, we kinda got some degree of boasting rights. Cuz it's almost a decade and so many of us in CM. Then again, can't take this for granted and must continue to build each other up and keep praying.

Sleepover

2009-12-12T21:38:00.004+08:00

Alright, we had a most awesome sleepover! Caleb, Daniel, Enos, James, Jeshua and myself. Joseph was too tired to come. He fell asleep at the YPM campsite.

Well we kept awake till about 0530 HRS. It was an extremely good time of sharing and fellowship. And I'm just really thankful to God for bringing so many of us in the same batch so far. That so many of us are still faithfully serving in CM, where we began together.

Even though there were good times in the past, I think perhaps one thing I'd like would be this. To spend more time going through these wonderful times and thanking God for them, rather than spending the bulk of my time reminiscing the "good ol times". I must labour to make good times now.

"I know that there is nothing better for men than to be happy and do good while they live. That everyone may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all his toil- this is the gift of God" -Ecclesiastes 3:12-13

"Then I realised that it is good and proper for a man to eat and drink, and to find satisfaction in his toilsome labour under the sun during the few days of life God has given him- for this is his lot. Moreover, when God gives any man wealth and possessions, and enables him to enjoy them, to accept his lot and be happy in his work- this is a gift of God. He seldom reflects on the days of his life, because God keeps him occupied with gladness of heart." -Ecclesiastes 5:18-20

Alright, here's the food we had. I cooked more than I'd expected. Was expecting to like bond over the action of cooking. In the end, it was almost all done by Caleb and myself, but I'm very glad at how it worked out, that there was so much meaningful guys talk.

Okay. Here's the food!

Clockwise from top left: Chipolata sausages fried, some of the pasta, and the same sausages done up with tomatoes and eggs! All done by me. Hee hee. Quite pleased with myself- like the Encouragement board like that. Ok, not the best, and many can cook better, but eh, for me not bad already leh.

Some more my cooking style is known amongst my buddies to be rather haphazard. I'll just throw everything in and see what comes out. And this time it came out not too bad. The pasta sauce could have been better though, I'll admit. But pre-made... so hmmm... Caleb advises me to make it myself next time. Shall bear that possibility in mind.

Foooooood!

This is Caleb's dish. Potatoes, carrots, herbs.

The spread... at about 12 to 1a.m. I suppose food keeps people awake. My dad was asking me in the morn what we were cooking, cuz he could smell it from his bedroom upstairs.

Not in photo: The ice cream, the steamed buns, the croissants, the drinks.

Joseph, see what you missed out? Anyway I had your portion at about 5 plus in the morn. We actually left some for you lor. But since you couldn't make it, I reheated it and it became the first part of my breakfast.

The more I think about it, the more I'm thankful for all the good times I have right now, with all these bros, with my family at home, with friends outside. Truly, it's not always been so. Army days taught me that.

May I redeem my time as I live out my life in these days. (Okay that statement makes me sound as if I'm at the end of my life...) But really, I have many good days ahead this hols and I would be wise to fill them with meaningful activities. Let me not regret how I spend these hols!

How much is enough? & contact with enemy

2009-12-11T20:43:00.004+08:00

I just got back my grades for this sem. I think it was actually quite good. But in my heart I thought... how nice if I could actually do better than even that.

And I just think right now. I know that that is the wrong attitude. I should just be very thankful with all that I have for 1 Timothy 6:6 says that godliness with contentment is great gain.

I was thinking about whether or not to post this one up, but I guess I should. It's regarding the reality of spiritual warfare. I've never experienced anything quite like this before, and in the midst of it, I admit that I was a lil unnerved. But I'm glad I went through it.

Last night at about 0030 HRS (as in this morning, to be exact), I was lying on my bed. I heard sounds to the right of my bed, the boxes below my bed being knocked, something like when my kor enters the room. I wanted to turn my head to see who but I couldn't move it. Couldn't even open my mouth to speak. My whole body was pinned down. Couldn't move my hands or feet.

So I kept calling on the name of Jesus and eventually I could move and speak again. Got up and prayed and rebuked whatever it was. Called Caleb and was like telling him, "okay (he experienced a similar thing years back in BMTC), I believe you now."

As I went out on my morning run this morning (I've been using my runs as part of my prayer time), I meditated on what exactly it was all about. I guess the things I've been doing lately have kind of been a threat and irritation to the enemy. I guess that the reason for the spiritual attack was two-fold. Firstly, just like the enemies of Nehemiah tried to intimidate him as he built the wall, this spiritual force must have been trying to intimidate me. Secondly, perhaps there was some hurt that it was trying to cause me, not that it succeeded.

I also recalled that in Daniel 10, the angel sent with a message to Daniel was detained by the "prince of the Persian kingdom". So demonic forces can actually detain or halt people on God's side. But such warfare does not equate to those on our side getting hurt. I might say from 2 Corinthians 4:8 that I was hard pressed but not crushed (even though me taking this verse in such a literal sense would probably be quite arguable).

So yes, on retrospect was a very good experience. But I've gotta take the same measures as Nehemiah. Keep myself guarded.

Agape!

2009-12-10T23:18:00.003+08:00

This board was designed and created by Jeshua Chong, Gavin and yours truly. Caleb pencilled the outline of the heart.

I’ve been really blessed by the Lord in this camp and enjoyed so much of His favour. It is just as Daniel 9:18 says: “We do not make requests of you because we are righteous, but because of your great mercy.” God has been so good to me and answered my prayers and fulfilled my needs, “immeasurably more than all (I) ask or imagine” (Ephesians 3:20).

I’ve been praying for God to take control of this camp for months. (Though to be entirely honest, I could have been more consistent in praying for it.) If we were really to think about it, God has been faithful to all of us. Even though so many of us failed Him time and time again throughout this year, He still came and touched the children’s lives so much during this camp. He still chose to work through our lives as teachers and minister to our kids.

It has been a blessing to create the devotions and communicate God’s love and God’s greatness to teachers in this camp. As I look at the consecration night, and the devotions and all, I know that I could not have done it. It is the Lord who was working through His own word to convict and impress and encourage and change. It was the Holy Spirit in our midst.

I’ve been so encouraged talking to so many of the teachers in camp. So encouraged by Caleb as he led the camp as chairman. So encouraged by Daniel Li, Jeshua, James Ow Yong. The various ways that God used them in camp. And it crossed my mind so many times. That Lord, you’re just such an awesome God, look at all the people you’ve raised up to serve you! I’ve also been deeply encouraged by the way Charis served as a co-leader in camp. She stayed up late to write letters and all to the kids. Very moved by how Jon Lim has grown as a person. Also Tim Ong. And then so glad to see Joel and Chris and Joyce being blessed in this camp.

This is Caleb. He's well... he's uh... posing.

See? Charis and I stayed up till 4a.m. to get this done! But apparently Nadine's one can't be found now... aww. Hopefully she took it home herself. Here are the names of all 9 kids in the group. Luke Ng (Trent's bro! Who behaves so much like Trent... makes me think that that was probably how Trent was like 7 years ago.), Gabriel Goh (who is such a funny, uninhibited and spontaneous guy), Gabriel Low (very sporty!), Wei Zi (Enos and I call him my Best Recruit. It's such a bundle of joy taking Wei Zi) and Joel Yak (who really encouraged me by his growth in this camp), Nadine (Cheryl Ying's friend and also a very intelligent young lady), En Qi (quiet in front of me but obviously very smart), Victoria (who exudes a very winsome and sweet personality) and Si Li (who was in my group for last year's camp as well! And was so so glad to see her come for this camp. She's certainly matured a lot since I took her for camp last year). "Dikim" is our group name, which means "love" in the Kurdish tongue.

Was so moved to see so many teachers and children touched in times of anointing during this camp. Was so humbled by all that the Lord did. Was also so thankful to God for touching my Pri 6 kids in this camp. This is one group of people that I've been so blessed and privileged to have worked with and served this year. Ben, Carissa, Cheryl, Jing En, Nathaniel, Si En and Ting Wei came for camp. I was so glad to see God move in their lives for this camp.

For my kids from Pri 6 2nd Praise.

I want to talk about what God has done in my life during this camp.

I received from God lessons and benefited from long talks with many people in this camp. But here are the moments I need to engrave in stone and never forget.

On Tuesday I spent a fair amount of time praying to God for His anointing. In Mark 10:13-15 it’s written that people brought their little children to Jesus to have him touch them. And Jesus was indignant when his disciples rebuked them. It just made me reflect on how we as teachers need to have the passion to bring our children to God to have Him touch them. And that was the cry of my heart at that moment. That “Lord, come and touch our children in this camp!” I also knew that when the Holy Spirit came He was not going to overlook the teachers. For we too are His children. He does not care for us any less than before simply because we have grown older.

It was such a privilege to see God move in the lives of the children on Tuesday night. Such a privilege to witness the teachers gathering in prayer and the Holy Spirit come as we asked of Him. As Caleb said, it is when we focus on God that we’ll really see the difference.

My children were so touched by God on Tuesday night. Wei Zi was crying as he felt God’s presence. Joel Yak felt someone touching his shoulder and also heard someone calling his name twice- to which I asked him why he didn’t apply the morning devotion on Samuel saying “speak Lord for your servant is listening”. The girls- Victoria, Nadine, En Qi and Si Li all felt the presence of God and cried too- though they all tried to hold back their tears (and I got the chance to explain to them more about simply letting go of personal inhibitions to experience God’s presence). Nadine was saying that at first she didn’t want to shed tears but when she saw that Wei Zi was crying- then she thought it was okay to cry. Haha.

For myself, I felt quite un-prayed for. Even as I went around praying for people, I asked God for people to pray for me. I asked Jon Lim to pray for me and his prayer was quite good and specific to this need; the Lord probably showed him how to pray.

There was one part that really showed me the extent to which God cared for me. That was Wednesday morning. As Darius told the teachers to kneel as the children came forward to pray, God spoke into my heart. And He told me that He was going to use some children to speak to me. That He was going to use people I didn’t expect to in this camp to minister to me. At that moment I wasn’t even sure if I was hearing right, but I was just telling God, “all right man!”.

The children who prayed for me. They touched on areas in my life that I’ve been praying to God for months. They covered areas involving ministry, evangelism, future career and so on. And I didn’t even tell these kids what I needed prayer for. It just brought me to tears. That God cared so much for me. That He chose to show me His love through the children in ministry that I’ve been loving. That really touched my heart.

Wei Zi prayed for me and for business and that God would give me a good career- he may not have known it but that was one thing I really needed to hear. I’ve been telling God that I want to go where He sends me in future for my career path. And that I don’t have the faintest clue what it is but I just want to keep serving Him even now. And Wei Zi, this Primary 4 child, probably without knowing it, prayed a blessing so specific into this area of my life. For career, that I would use my money to build the church, that my life would be blessed.

Gabriel Goh and Gabriel Low prayed. I recall that they were praying about things in regard to ministry to children. I just felt the love of God flowing through them, especially for Gabriel Low as he hugged me. It’s one thing to be commended by a fellow teacher for loving the children. It is something so much greater when the child returns the love sincerely. You see, I’d been talking to God about my service in CM. And telling Him that I needed a passion for this ministry once again. That He put me there and told me that my ministry was to children. And that I would remain faithful, but I needed Him to supply my needs.

Nadine, from Pri 6 1st Praise came to pray for me. I know she didn’t know my name. But her prayer was very specific towards the area of evangelism. I’ve been praying for the area of evangelism in my life, which is quite clearly lacking. And I’ve been praying to be able to tell more people on campus about my Lord Jesus. And then up comes Nadine and she prays that God will help me to tell the people around me about Him. And it’s a near paraphrase of what I often pray to God. I’m so humbled by that. And I just told Nadine that she prayed the right thing and that God was using her.

Benjamin, my Pri 6 kid, came to lay his hands on me too.

Of course, a little sad that Victoria said she felt God telling her to pray for me and she didn’t do it in the end. But when she said that I was just so grateful to God for impressing on the children’s heart to pray for me. Felt so much like King David after God blessed him, and his attitude was “I don’t deserve all the good that you’re showing to me Lord!”. (2 Samuel 7 second half). And I must say that I don’t hold it against Victoria at all. Really still love her much as one of my kids, and I believe God will continue to speak into her life and through her life.

The visit to Dakota Crescent went incredibly smoothly, as far as I’m concerned. There were a lot of unknowns on our side but everything still flowed pretty well. It interested me to see how God always has His own plans. That sometimes, we think that we’re there to minister to one group of people, but God is interested in some people we’d not previously considered. There were a group of youth at the area. I talked to 2 of them and found out that one was attending City Harvest but considered himself a backslider. I evangelised to the other youth and he accepted Christ. I asked the City Harvester to bring one other friend to talk with me and soon I was talking to him about Christ too. And then after some explanation by this City Harvester he accepted Christ. I talked to a third guy, but he was staunch in his own religion. So 2 youth accepted Christ there. I asked them to follow the City Harvester to church.

It just showed me how the Holy Spirit can convict and touch lives when we least expect it. That we can be instruments for the Lord in ways we do not anticipate. That God can see to great things coming to pass and that we need only to yield and listen carefully.

The single greatest challenge I’m going to face at the current moment is keeping close to God and getting some proper rest before the next camp (Meta) starts during end December. What I’m really praying is that the Lord enables me and gives me the desire to live my life the way He wants in the days to come. I need to keep focused on Him.

The guys up to their usual nonsense at Dakota Crescent. Joanne Huang's driving that car. Am proud to say that I am very often a part of such nonsense. Though regretfully not for this time.

And speaking of which. Sleepover is tomorrow! I have Caleb, Jesh, Tiew, James, Enos confirmed coming as of now. Daniel Li is unconfirmed. I'm scratching my head as to where to fit all of us. Prob the living room. Heh.

Of Camps

2009-12-05T21:56:00.003+08:00

One camp is over. Now heading into the next tomorrow. Looking forward to it. But many thoughts. I guess the thing is just to abide in God. To yield to Him. I feel there's a lot of spiritual warfare going on.

Full Circle

2009-12-01T15:02:00.001+08:00

I just came back from a really blessed SUPA (Scripture Union Primary Age) Camp. It was last Thursday to yesterday. It was an odd camp, in the sense that I started out really tired. My last exam was on Thursday morning and I guess I was in some ways mentally tired. Almost felt as if I should not go for SUPA camp.

But then I’ll have to remember the significance of how I got myself into this camp anyway. It had originally been a struggle, cuz I had bid for a Stats module, which had an exam after SUPA camp. So what I actually told God as I bid was that if He wanted me to go for the camp, He had to a)Give me the desire to go, b)Make my Stats bid unsuccessful.

And I think God obliged. I didn’t get Stats. But I got a good camp. Which I consider to be a rather good trade-off.

So it’s been a wonderful 5 days at camp. Made so many new friends. James Chia, Aunty Rebecca and Aunty Elizabeth were excellent to work with. Was really encouraged by James’ heart of service. Had wonderful kids in the camp too. Elliot, Eric, Gideon, Isaac, Jamie, Joshua, Melanie, Valerie. So good to spend time with them.

I think I’ve been renewed in service to God through this camp. And I hope that I’ve been an encouragement to others.

This post’s called Full Circle because exactly one year ago, on November 30, was the start of last year’s Children’s Camp. That was an evening that I really enjoyed God’s presence and heard His voice after a long period of silence. For this camp, it was the early morning of November 30 (about 1 to 2 a.m.) that was the part of the camp that I felt God’s presence to be the strongest. I was just thinking. Hey, it's November 30 again!

I actually came before God with much stuff. So right now I’m all yielded to God, just waiting on Him. Very often we are so anxious to get things done for God. But we have to learn to slow down and trust in the Master’s timing. And that must have been one of the greatest lessons for me in this camp.

Two interesting things to reflect upon:

1) I asked God to give me determination to wake up early on Friday morning at about 0600 for my own morning QT. I went back straight to sleep after my alarm rang. But a mosquito flew straight into my face and made me sit up quite quickly. Interestingly, I didn’t get any mosquito bites that night. So I figure that the mosquito (or whatever insect that was) was sent to wake me up. I had a good QT that morning.

2) In the middle of the second day of camp. I thought to myself, “When things get tiring in a camp such as this, and you feel like spending less time with the kids and going to one hidden corner to snooze, well, there is something to remember. Remember that perhaps four to five days later, you’ll probably be missing the camp and the children and the fellow teachers. So better make the most of it while it lasts.”

I still feel a little physically tired from the camp. Yeah, one more thing to thank God for was no rain in the early mornings when I went out to run. The running was really quite necessary to make me feel fresh for each day.

Was actually wondering whether I should attend one more camp this hols.

Hee

2009-11-24T22:34:00.002+08:00

I was just thinking. Y'know, it's that time of the year again... It's been 4 years since something NICE was done...

Ah, what sweet memories.

Today's paper was a lil tough, but it's alright.

Today, someone asked me a few questions. Firstly, asked me what I do in my spare time. Secondly, asked me some questions bout what God has been doing in my life. These are questions that people have been asking me very much in SMU. For the second type of question it's prob because I've been hanging out a lot with Crusade/ Crusade-related people.

The thing is, I often find it hard to answer these type of questions. What do I do in my spare time? I blog at times, I run, I work out a bit, I'm playing the guitar a bit more these days, I spend time reading God's word and trying to meditate. At times I read books. Much Christian literature at the start of the year. I pore over the newspaper. Been watching Yes Minister with my kor lately. At times (and I do really quite regret it each time I do), perhaps on average once in two months, I download a com game and spend some time playing. I spend time with kids in CM (I realised I need to find a sustainable way to call them/ contact them amidst a busy week). I have the occasional sleepover or guys hammock night.

But how do I tell a typical SMU student that? It seems so strange. I don't listen to secular music. I don't even listen to much Christian music these days. I don't watch soccer, I'm not really a fan of technology or gadgets. I don't play the latest computer games. I don't watch seasons of the latest TV shows. I hardly ever watch movies in the cinema. (I simply read the synopsis most of the time). I don't club, I don't have a glitzy CCA.

So normally I'd be like, "well... nothing much...". I can't really describe it in their terms. I don't want to really try.

I've been considering. It's very interesting that a very happy day for me sounds something like some of the days in army. ie Wake up at 0700, go for a 5-10 kilometre morning run. Return home to do static. Bathe. Read bible. Do some studying/ settle school stuff. 1230 Go for lunch. 1330 Return home. Eat fruits, read newspapers perhaps. 1430 Start studying again. 1830 Dinner. 1930 Attempt another QT maybe / play guitar / study. 2330 or so, sleep. And typically, I'd consider that to be a fruitful, productive, day. Very enjoyable and fulfilling.

So I do believe that it's quite different from most people.

Now the other question. A typical response I would give is that God does different things at different points in my life. It is at the moment just not me to go on and be so enthusiastic about what God is currently doing in my life. I mean, at good times in my walk with God, I don't quite find it natural to be going, "praise God! Hallelujah! God has done.... etc etc".

I learn things from spending time with God, check. I am very blessed by the time I'm spending with the kids, check. When God does speak to me on certain matters, or I gain insight, very often, I only tell certain people. Or, I put the non-confidential stuff on this blog.

Or perhaps it is because I find it a lil bit weird that people ask, "So, what's the latest thing that God has spoken to you?" Perhaps it cannot be explained to certain people. Perhaps it is in confidence. Perhaps I find it a not-too-be-enthused thing when God speaks or I learn something in my walk? Because, perhaps, I think a relationship with God to be quite normal.

Or perhaps, I should really prepare some things in mind to say. Cuz really, it strikes me as weird that even when I am having an awesome walk with God, I don't have much to say to certain people who ask. It is one of those things that make me ask God Himself, "eh, why ah God?"

I'm actually wondering whether it's certain things in army which made me see God in different ways. That I know He controls the tiny details in my life, and He provides... but I just can't seem to behave so enthusiastically and wildly about it. Hmmm.

I do suppose this post sounds a little intangible and abstract. Heh what to do?

Catch phrases of the day from Yes Minister

"So, are you a high-flier? Or a low-flier lifted up by occasional gusts of wind?"

"Always follow your conscience, but know where you're going. And quite often you'll find that it's not going where you're going, so you can't follow your conscience, actually." -(I'm wondering about this in relations to 1 Corinthians 4:4 actually. That it is not the conscience which makes guilty or acquits a man.)

"You call me a cynic? That's what an idealist calls a realist!"

2009-11-19T22:54:00.002+08:00

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A day in school studying

2009-11-17T19:54:00.003+08:00

Came to school to study today. Was productive. Went for a lil bit of gym with Joel.

Just before I had dinner I was spending a bit of time with God. And it felt very good. It was raining outside. I like this kind of weather. When I'm indoors, that is. There were quite a few outfields when it was raining. Looking back, I'm amazed that God brought me through all that. Perhaps it's due in part to the jungle air, that it's quite rare to fall sick out there.

Considering a couple of things today. One of which is that I've a long way to go in many areas. So many things that God has yet to change in me. The more time I spend with God, the more I realise that there's still so much to be done. My words, my actions. Well, I've noticed that very often, when God works on a person's character, improvement is a combination of challenges, waiting on God, setbacks and pain through discipline. When I was younger, my mom made me memorise Hebrews 12:11. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it. And it's proven true time and time again.

It's been a season of rest these few days. And I'm just scanning the horizon. In times of peace we have to prepare for times of battle. King Asa failed quite miserably in obeying God even though he was a rather righteous king. He failed after a long period of rest. Moses himself struck the rock twice. That was after the wanderings in the desert, not before.

So I put on my spiritual armour and wait. And may I not be caught off-guard should war arise.