Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Work today

Work these 2 days have been very tiring in a whole new way. Handed my job over and now dealing with people issues, resistance to change, unhappiness... etc. Well, not the first time I've had to go through that. Also a few other issues with NSmen, with ministry-related issues, with walk-related issues.

Makes life easier that I have a very caring boss at work. I'm learning a lot from her.

Nonetheless, work is still tiring. A new job scope for the next few weeks means I have to start all over again.

Will I miss work once I'm done? I really don't know.

Today, I actually utilised a half hour of my lunch break. We normally eat in-house here and I've never really taken much of a lunch break before. So today I walked around the estate a bit (till I found the part which had the most wind) and spent that half hour talking to God Most High. And it really helped me so, so much.

Phone broke down. Started breaking down last night. The call button, disconnect call button, cancel button and options button broke down two at a time, then one at a time. So I now have a new $0 phone with a renewed plan. So much for my plan to "drag" my current phone's lifespan till year's end.

My brilliant plan to wear my shoes till year's end, on the other hand, is on track. Well, halfway there at least. They spoilt and I glued them back. Has lasted longer than I had expected.

Have not attained full recovery of health. Foot still a bit pain. Think it could have been a contusion. Either that or an impact injury. Walking long distances still hurts. But it's getting better slowly. Hope I'll be up and literally running next week?

Dear God

Dear God,

I can't stand ungrateful, self-righteous and argumentative people. I hate it when you've done so much to help them and then they turn around and scold you, sometimes behind your back. They seem to have forgotten virtually everything you have done for them. But they're still quite nice to everyone else. I also do not like unforgiving people who use unkind words on others, who bear bitterness in their hearts and deep resentment in their actions.

How God, do you even put up with me?

Monday, June 13, 2011

Psalm 118:8

It is better to trust the Lord than to put confidence in people.- Psalm 118:8, NLT.

Ultimately man will be man and God will be God. So let man be man and God, God. So often we expect of others and ourselves more than what can be expected of a human being. We ask ourselves why this person or that person has failed us time and time again. We ask ourselves why we fail time and time again. We get disappointed, frustrated, agitated.

But man will be man. And John 15:5 says "I am the vine, you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit. Apart from me you can do nothing." NOTHING! Apart from Him I can do NOTHING. Apart from God, man can do NOTHING. You see, God has terribly low expectations of what we can do without Him. Perhaps we should begin to share that same expectation.

And what can we do with Christ in us? Oh I tell you, His word says we can do EVERYTHING. For John 14:12 says "I tell you the truth, anyone who has faith in me will do what I have been doing. He will do even greater things than these, because I am going to the Father". And Matthew 19:26 says that with God ALL things are possible.

Man is mortal. Man dies. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. But God will not fail and has never failed. Often, we expect so little of God. I say that because we turn to Him last in our desperate situations, as if He were a last resort. See, we can never expect too much from God, only too little. If anything, we can expect wrongly of God- and that happens when we cry out for great things to be done our way. It does not matter if those great things are to be done in His name. As long as we want it our way, there is no reason for God to grant that request.

But God does great things His way. At our place of surrender, when we discover our limitations and the severe futility of trusting in man, we learn the greatness and omnipotence of the Most High.

And so I find myself being brought back to that place of surrender. The place of Bohpianic submission and humbling.

Sunday, June 12, 2011

Running.

I most want to run when I can't run. I most want to run NOW.

What do I run for? I run because I like how it makes me feel. I run becomes it gives me a certain sense of freedom. I run because it's me. I run at my own pace. I don't run too fast and there are so many people better than I am.

I want to go Stan Chart 2011. Perhaps I shall try to train hard for it this time. Perhaps. But then. I gotta get well first.

I am not making too much sense.... blame it on the medication.

Two days at home

So I got sick somewhere between Thurs night and Friday morning. Perhaps I got sick before that already. I never really know these days. And on Friday I had green mucus and phlegm. (Sounds like Green Eggs and Ham right?) So I went to work, handed some stuff over and came home.

Saturday and Sunday I was home. I don't like being sick. I even missed CM. And felt quite bad about it really. Having to hand over stuff so last minute. And having to not see my kids there.

Internship has been going good. Been able to facilitate a relatively smooth handover of some of my duties to an incoming personnel.

Many things on my mind recently. Of life, NS Book Project, work at internship, ministry, work at internship, people, work at internship. extra taskings in Crusade. Really kinda tiring. Good to take a break by being sick, actually. Makes me think that a good leader must make sure that systems are set in place to run without him or her. Systems must not be built around people. Good leaders leave a legacy. They leave a functioning machinery able to work years after them.

These last two days have been weird. Taking this anti-running nose medicine. And that makes me drowsy. Plus I've got this weird twitching thing in my right triceps. It's like a muscle there keeps twitching. Wonder whether it's got anything to do with medicine or that I'm just so concerned with so many things.

I wonder whether this had to do with a certain prayer a few days before that went, "Lord, I really need a break man..." Is there an undo function to prayers?

So I'm going back for reservist soon. And I started to call up my men to find out more about their lives and how they are doing. Well, we'll see how it goes.

Closing thought for the day. Isn't it such a "dangerous" prayer when we ask God to teach us obedience, faithfulness, humbleness and trust? Throughout history and through the bible. Such lessons most often come through adversity. Yet when all pain has borne its fruit I think it should be worth it.

Tired from medication. Right triceps twitching. I suppose it's trying to tell me that it needs a workout desperately because I haven't exercised much for weeks and I feel quite awful and lousy and sorry about myself today. Haha. What a wallowing-in-self-pity-no-pride comment.

Good night all. May there be no people making noise and drinking alcohol in the nearby void deck tonight. They make it so much harder for me to sleep.

I blame this weird doesn't-sound-like-my-normal-blogging post on my medication. I blame everything on my medication.

Wednesday, June 08, 2011

Internship and other updates

Internship is going along fine. Though some days I feel really drained at the end. I get back home about 8 or 9 plus and I don't have much strength left to do other stuff. But still, I really thank God.

Am very much looking forward to Crusade camp.

Also just had a very good chat with one of the guys from my NS unit. Very encouraging chat. My first in-camp is coming soon. And I really thank God for it. I've called up most of my men and started chatting with them and finding out how all of them are doing before the in-camp. I could have just smsed them, but this time I want to do it differently. I really want to be the kind of inspirational, God-fearing and strong leader that I think I often wasn't for most of my NS.

When I left my unit two years back during ORD, I could not wait to get out through the gates and head home. Over the last two years, God has been working in my life over many different issues. I want to overcome my reservist days in full surrender to God. That being said, I understand that it may not be as easy as I'd expect. But here we go.