There's this thing about being a guy. I know that guys always think that girls are vain. That they care so much about how they look. And yet guys are vain in their own way. Guys are meant to be tough. To look strong. To show neither fear nor trepidation in the face of danger.
The same goes for now. I feel that in many ways I am sucking it all in and grinning. Yesterday I studied pretty much the whole day. Was doing CAT (That's Computer as an Analysis Tool) yesterday, as well as some Managerial Decision Making and Marketing assignments and readings. Started at about 10a.m. Tried to catch a nap at 5p.m. but they started to do some drilling work just outside my house and I couldn't sleep. And then late at night, not being able to sleep on my bed, I realised that I'd burnt out.
It does help to remember the things that God has brought me through in the armed forces. There were quite a few times this week that I told God, "Lord, I really can't take this anymore". Then I remembered a certain navigation exercise overseas that I thought I couldn't go on anymore but we just kept pushing on and on. There was more than one Christian in the group and we kept praying and praying for God to help. I remember what God has brought me through and realise that I CAN go on. With prayer, discipline and determination.
So how? Suck it in and grin. The grin must stay there but somehow the inside will change. Either that or everything will collapse. Everything will not collapse so keep grinning.
How do I feel now? Alone. Should attempt a morning run tomorrow. One, two, three of my toenails are dead or dying though. So might have to tape them up. Yes, perhaps that makes me sound tough. Suck it in and grin. The outside, tough as steel, indifferent and not the least concerned about the world. The inside, numb.
When the going gets tough, as they say, slow down but keep going. I know I am alone but it is okay because I know God has not abandoned me. Loneliness is an old friend. Though I do not always enjoy its accompaniment, I have grown to understand that it makes me stronger.
In other thoughts I started reading John Bunyan's Pilgrim's Process today. It has proved to be a good read so far. Somehow it helps me to relax.
There has been some talk recently as to how ministry workers should be careful in their conduct, that they not stumble other people. It is true that we are not to stumble other people. Yet I cannot help but wonder at the superficiality of such a measure. For isn't it true that we are somehow hiding something when we say that we cannot fully express ourselves in order not to stumble our sheep?
It is weird sometimes how as Christians when everything is wrong, we just throw in Christian-sounding words and then not do anything about matters.
But as I have always believed, when burn out comes, take a break. Something must give. And let that be me giving myself rest. If not, something else will give.
Think I've said enough.
I wrote in my diary last night that I feel like punching something up. Today I laughed at myself because I know that it was pretty silly statement. I can't fight. Can't even throw a proper punch, I gotta admit. The last time I punched something... when I was in primary or secondary school I tried punching the wall and regretted it for about a week.