Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Exams almost over...

Exams are almost over. Not too much left...

Last week I got sick on Thursday, I guess in large part to a midnight rendezvous on Wednesday night. Travelled to NTU to celebrate a birthday. Was kinda sick already and initially didn't want to go. But after returning home at 0430 hours on Thursday... It was the brick (sic) that broke the camel's back.

There are a lot of things that I've been considering lately.

In chasing God, can we over-chase? A rhetorical question. The answer is undoubtedly yes. Perhaps sometimes we chase so hard that we run ahead. We run the race without looking back, and that is good. But sometimes we run ahead of God. And perhaps we keep up our quick pace, straining forward but wondering why we've lost sight of God.

As it is, feel kinda apathetic and lost with life lately. And snappy. Like, growl, bite. Bares fangs. ROAR.

I guess got quite a bit of stuff that I'd like to do this summer. On my list right now. Learn some financial stuff, whip myself into shape (due to falling sick and studying, this is the first time since perhaps Decemeber last year that I've not exercised for a full seven days in a row), sleepovers, hammock nights, think seriously bout what to major in, find a job, swim, run, perhaps learn to skate, perhaps improve on guitar skills, perhaps brush up on cooking skills... Lots of possibilities. Oh, and the NS book project.

Yet, it is painfully apparent that fulfilment will not come by these things. And that I would need to take into very serious consideration.

What happens when we try to live out the expectations of ourselves and of people? What happens when we try to fill shoes that aren't assigned by God? What happens when a whole Christian community eggs one on to do stuff, believing in you, encouraging you? And yet, there is no assurance from God? As it is, I'm rather jaded with the whole matter. Kinda tired with Christian camps and all that stuff. After years of that I feel that if I were to go much further into it the way I'm doing, there might be an artificiality and stiffness and too much reliance on one's own strengths and too much expectation to meet. So I stop dead in my tracks and kinda realise that that's not a good option either.

Man, I got some thinking and praying to do in earnest this summer, don't I?

As it is, I wryly note that the state I'm in has constructive dimensions to it. When you fall down into the dirt sometimes, you remember how it feels. You become less judgemental and you think twice before saying anything sanctimonious (heh, borrow your wording hor Enos) and holier-than-thou. It is sickening at times to think of how I've probably been prone to that many times. Well, I guess that any well-intended detached advice becomes irritating to my ears now... and that is good, since I'll be less prone to well-intended detached advising myself.

Snap. Growl. ROAARRR.

Back to the valley.

The brooding dragon lies in his cave, growing fat. One day he'll get back to all that dragon-y stuff. Duh duh duh. But today? Ah... zzzZZZ.

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