Sunday, June 28, 2009

I'm in a pensive mood

Well, on Tuesday Jesh flew back into Singapore. This morn at 3a.m. or so Caleb flew back in. I sent my kor off for an exchange program this afternoon, and Daniel Li flew back in shortly after. Many people have been moving around.

I've been in a pensive mood these last 2 days. Numerous questions I've been considering lately. I guess when many of my closer friends are all over the place and I don't really have much people to hang out with or much to do (yes, yes, Andrea, you are right, I have admittedly been quite free), I have had more time to think.
What kind of a man am I? Frankly, I think I failed 2 tests this week. The driving test and the test regarding how I responded to it. I didn't spend much time praying or all. I did my QT, yes, but I was a lil angry with God at times. And then I went online, downloaded a game and started to play. And I suppose that is rather unbecoming for me, cuz I don't really game much. I've always considered it to be something that steals time away from more important stuff. Such as for example, reading, or spending time with people, or exercising, or spending time with God. And I mean that for myself; perhaps there are people out there who are disciplined and can control their gaming habits and apportion time for everything including their gaming. I guess that's reasonable. But one of the things I'm still working on is I tend to do things in extreme. And if I do play com games... well, I know that I can be quite extreme myself.
That's why I chose not to start playing DOTA, cuz I probably would be a very extreme gamer. And since so many people play that as well, there's a community that would keep me playing. All considerations in (fun, friendships, addiction, time unwisely spent, intellectual growth through gameplay - I mean it does require some level of intellect right? strategies and all, distractions... etc both the merits and demerits), I always thought that it'd be to my detriment to start playing.
So yeah, I guess that I was brought through a valley this week. You could say that I went into one valley and chose to walk into the next one myself.
Perhaps the answer to this question would be through how God looks at me. I wonder how God thinks of me. I fail Him at times, I make Him smile at times. And at times like right now when I just feel rather numb/aimless/not-myself/pensive? Yeah, what kind of a man am I, really? Am I a God-pleaser? Do I try too hard to please God? Have I in anyway begun to hold the opinion and the regard of man in a higher place than I have God?
Could I have tried too hard all my life to live for God? Waking up early in the morning to do QT, memorising scripture. Yes, good. But have I tried too hard? Is that why I grow tired many a time? Or is that the enemy's schemes? A fond, bittersweet memory (95% bitter, 5 % sweet) of a man in military fatigues pops into mind. And that man says in heartlander, hokkien-accented English, in the manner only a breed of men known as enciks are able to, "So SAR-zhen, I WANT TO KNOW, which is which? Is it the (Hokkien vulgarity) man don wan to coldoperate, or my (English vulgarity) SAR-zhen cannot (English vulgarity) control the (Hokkien vulgarity) man? Oi SAR-zhen, I still waiting for my (Hokkien vulgarity) reply. Why so quiet? Anything to clarify? Justify? Testify? Satisfy?"
(Note: In its unadulterated form, this variant of English, if it can even be called that, does not possess punctuation marks. The punctuation marks are in actual fact replaced by various expletives. In other words, the expletives are the comma, full-stop, question mark and so on. I have simplified the language for the reader. Note also that the written form of this language is incapable of bringing out the full emotion of the spoken form.)
And the question I ask myself is, which is which? The question I ask God is, which is which?
I suppose it is a positive matter that I have come to a crossroad of sorts. It is a point where I do need to get on with life, and I fully intend to. But there are some issues that I must have sorted out with God before I can progress anymore upon this journey of faith.
"For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war after the flesh: (for the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty through God to the pulling down of strong holds;) casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ;" -2 Corinthians10:3-5 (KJV)
I do enjoy KJV many a time. I like the phrasing of certain keywords.
Yet another question. What high thing in my life have I exalted against the knowledge of God?
Have my thoughts and plans and the ways in which I perceive people or ministry or my life or others stood against the knowledge of God?
Okay, perhaps I shall come up with a list of statements that would make you understand why I'm thinking such things.
1. I am not feeling the same amount of passion for Childrens' Ministry as I have before. Or in other words, I am not feeling the joy and passion the children and youth in the ministry as I think I should. Nehemiah 8:10. The joy of the Lord is our strength. I cannot continue without God's strength and I conclude that I cannot continue without God's joy.
2. I do not have the same hunger and thirst for God's word as before. And that is bad. And I hate that. And I detest that.
3. Praise and worship is not bringing me as much joy and peace as I recall it has before.
4. I wonder what is God's purpose for me right now.
5. I wonder what kind of a person I am.
6. I truly wonder if let's say I were to suddenly disappear from life in church, whether that would really make a difference? I wonder for example, what on earth am I doing in youth service.
Really, after so many years, what the heck am I doing there. I am perhaps just warming the pews... should I finally stop going? I talk to people who have left our church, or some other church, or who have left Christ, and truly, I see and feel all their hurts and despair. I marvel at the fact that I have not left at times. I appreciate that it is truly, ultimately, what God has done that has made the difference.
7. I start to feel an old feeling of uncertainty over the days to come? How is uni going to be like? I really don't want to be some guy who stands alone like in my days in army. Or in JC for that matter. I really want true, close friends. I want to be happy. (I mean, godly joy is one thing, but I mean happy, as in happiness apart from joy if you catch my drift). Then again... how much have happy times aided me in growing in God-likeness?
8. I wonder... who are my true friends? After army. After so many years. Truly, only my Lord Jesus can unshakeably hold that position. And that is weird, cuz I guess I've hurt Him the most. What beautiful irony. The person from which I deserve the least friendship provides the greatest friendship.
9. Am I a true friend to my friends? Do I really deserve to be called a friend by those who call me "friend"?
10. Have I by my example and conduct and behaviour in any way made matters worse for those around me in my life and ministry? Have I been too judgemental? Have I looked too seriously upon "Christian" matters and in so doing ignored building relationships with people around me?
I know the biblical references, many by heart. I know the traditional, no-on-can-fault-you answers to many of these questions I suppose. But I ask them. I ask them because behind the living scriptures I am convinced there is a living God who cares enough to answer in His own ways.
Ah, questions.
Wait lor.

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