Who am I and what am I becoming? For it seems that the me of 2 months past is no longer the I of present. Tough experiences cut through stone, grinding up dust and powder. The dust is what you now see. The rather emotionless face. Some see it as tiredness. Some see it as being troubled. I'm not too sure what exactly it is myself. Emotional tiredness is definitely one though.
What the stone has become I do not yet know. When the residual powder is washed away then perhaps we shall see.
Last year God was telling me that this year would be tough. Much tougher than the last. So far I've dealt with delinquents, people who slash themselves, people who go boy's home. Then I enlisted. Got into a physically tough company. Then I got into a lot of painful experiences in where I am. The life as a soldier I relish. The things learnt. Some people can really make life difficult and painful though. Some people can really hurt. And you live with them 24 hours. Some can really tear down and destroy what a man is made of... at least they can try.
They have not succeeded. For I have fought and survived. But when the fight and adrenaline rush leaves, the realisation of pain sets in. The momentum has carried me on. But when I rest I realise that I'm aching all over from the fight. A bruise here and there. A bloody nose.
I'm alive and well and God is still good. That's where I stand. Just me and God. No one else can understand. Only me and God. Man cannot be relied on.
Psalm 144. Praise be to the Lord my rock who trains my hands for war and my fingers for battle. He is my loving God and my fortress. My shield in whom I take refuge. Who subdues people under me.
I don't expect anyone to understand. It's alright.