Ok. Yes. I am disappointed at not getting where I'd like to. In the first place I did place this into God's hands and say I want to go, God willing. I still want to go. There'll still be an opening or two. (This is not going to be an incredibly uplifting post. It's gonna be raw me.)
My walk with God is dry. I trusted God so much in BMT... in the first week. Perhaps I was too passive as a person. I don't know.
I am currently back to a very garang heck care fighting mentality. I seriously want to cross over. And I will fight very hard to get in. Prayer-fully I do not injure myself in the process. But I will not go down without a serious fight. Biggest enemy- myself.
Where do I draw the line between going in on my own strength and depending on God I'm not exactly sure. Being a Christian is sometimes so complicated. Sometimes find myself asking why I even try to be a Christian in the first place. Why do I even seriously try? Many others put in so little effort and seem to be much happier. So many extra things to care about. Sometimes ask why those who don't really honour God in their actions seem to be honoured more by God than those who do.
If God was a human being, I'd be very very angry cuz many things are turning out in ridiculous ways. Yet precisely because He's God I cannot question, because I DO know that He knows what He's doing better than I do. If God was a human being, He'd be plain unfair. But He is God. And the difference is that in the midst of human perception of existing unfairness I know He will work to bring forth eventual fairness. That as Psalms 1:5 says, "The wicked will not stand in the assembly of the righteous."
And so here I am at this state. Not fully understanding what is happening. Not fully satisfied, not fully at peace, even though I wish I were. In His method to this madness I now trust. I do not understand even what I am feeling now, but I shall wait and see. And God in His own time, as He always has done, will reveal.
And yes I'm frustrated.
P.S. Pam thanks for the encouragements. Well and truly appreciated.