Friday, June 01, 2007

Assessment

It's been about a month and a half since I became a soldier. The hair came off, along with most of my civilian life. Been through lots of tough training. Much more of it to come. Last week's training drained me physically, mentally and even spiritually. I'm not as close to God as I should be. I don't really feel safe.

Saturdays and Sundays are rushed pleasant interludes. Yeah, I still keep up praying to God every morn, even in camp. Usually 0500 to 0535. But these days it's getting more and more dry. Even after I come home I feel dry. I hate this dryness. I can survive all the physical and mental torture but I cannot bear being far from the One I have known and worshipped since childhood.

I do not know if I've done well through BMT so far. Only know that God has been good to me... and that I need God so much more each day. And I feel like I'm slowly slipping away each day. It does not help that about half of those who are Christians in my platoon started scolding vulgarities and indulging in crude sexual talk a few weeks back. It does not help that I cannot really rely on my Christian brothers here. That forces me to God... and I feel as if I hardly know my God these days.

Jaded. Small. Alone, save a God who's behind an iron ceiling. Lord smash that please?

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