Saturday, June 30, 2007

Life

Must say that a few things are beginning to fall in place. Really enjoy being around the bunk mates I have now. Can clique real well. Very fun. Life is good so far. Have a cell up and going in camp. Feet have some time to heal.

Hmmmmm... ... ... ... Beginning to see some of God's purpose.

The world says that if you want something real bad, you have got to fight for it, to earn it. But experience with my Lord has shown me that if you want something real bad, you've got to first sit down. Sit down and have a little talk with the Lord and get your attitude right with Him. And then you see again whether you should keep going for that thing.

Sunday, June 24, 2007

Injured?

Have what I believe is called a arch strain, or foot strain. The base of my left foot is hurting from too much usage.

It's funny y'know. Cuz I feel so frustrated now I feel like going for a long run. But I've got arch strain so I can't go for a long run. But because I got arch strain I'm frustrated and so I want to go for a long run...

Lord... as you will.

Saturday, June 23, 2007

-

Ok. Yes. I am disappointed at not getting where I'd like to. In the first place I did place this into God's hands and say I want to go, God willing. I still want to go. There'll still be an opening or two. (This is not going to be an incredibly uplifting post. It's gonna be raw me.)

My walk with God is dry. I trusted God so much in BMT... in the first week. Perhaps I was too passive as a person. I don't know.

I am currently back to a very garang heck care fighting mentality. I seriously want to cross over. And I will fight very hard to get in. Prayer-fully I do not injure myself in the process. But I will not go down without a serious fight. Biggest enemy- myself.

Where do I draw the line between going in on my own strength and depending on God I'm not exactly sure. Being a Christian is sometimes so complicated. Sometimes find myself asking why I even try to be a Christian in the first place. Why do I even seriously try? Many others put in so little effort and seem to be much happier. So many extra things to care about. Sometimes ask why those who don't really honour God in their actions seem to be honoured more by God than those who do.

If God was a human being, I'd be very very angry cuz many things are turning out in ridiculous ways. Yet precisely because He's God I cannot question, because I DO know that He knows what He's doing better than I do. If God was a human being, He'd be plain unfair. But He is God. And the difference is that in the midst of human perception of existing unfairness I know He will work to bring forth eventual fairness. That as Psalms 1:5 says, "The wicked will not stand in the assembly of the righteous."

And so here I am at this state. Not fully understanding what is happening. Not fully satisfied, not fully at peace, even though I wish I were. In His method to this madness I now trust. I do not understand even what I am feeling now, but I shall wait and see. And God in His own time, as He always has done, will reveal.

And yes I'm frustrated.

P.S. Pam thanks for the encouragements. Well and truly appreciated.

Friday, June 22, 2007

SISPEC!!

Got into SISPEC.

So wherever God sends me I want to go. Ultimately He will decide what He wants to do with me.

And so off I go to be a spec trainee and enjoy myself. Have fun and do my thing. And try to start a cell group going, while I'm at it.

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

A little look in the mirror

Having my lil long break still. Enjoying my work outs...

Physically I'm quite strong.

Spiritually not all is well. Yet good food can only be savoured when one is hungry.

The physical part of me is looking forward to the next stage of training. Of fighting and taking a few whacks that'll make me tougher. (People have called me masochistic... hmmm. Juniors in ODAC used to call me Bian Hai Yong- and yeah quite an honour). But truth be told, there's really IS something NICE to the pain you feel in exercise. ENJOY the pain and start smiling. The day will come when you can no longer enjoy the pain and your body can no longer take such training. When your muscles ain't as hard and strong as before. Something like Ecclesiastes 12.

The more spiritual part? Welllll. Not that good. It's shitty going into tougher times without being close to your God. Want to go into wherever I go and start a cell group. Need the support. Need help to spread the gospel.

I have learnt that some days in NS you won't feel quite so tough. You'll feel like giving up. At least for my coy- Heard that Caleb Lim? At the start you want to tell others about God and as things go by and you get so shagged out you just want to get the next job done so you can rest a lil. So well... perhaps I have been running on my own strength. And perhaps the current dryness is to show me I desperately need God's strength?

Used to think that living a life without God's strong presence must be kinda easy. I mean, can go and sin a lil and still have salvation. Can choose to not spend so much time on QT. Can mix around and say anything I like around many many many friends. Can flirt around a bit perhaps, like some of my friends do.

But hey man, out of touch with God for a while only and I know which life is better. Maintaining a close walk with God is hard. There's only one thing harder. Not having that walk at all.

Friday, June 15, 2007

POP





Some picts from POP. From top down. My parents and I, platoon with the infamous Mahat Sir. Who really whacked us hard but is someone I respect as an excellent commander. Me with Kwan Chin (a really pleasant surprise at the POP) , Caleb and I.
Spent yesterday and today working out and clocking a bit of mileage.

Friday, June 08, 2007

POP nearing

POP-ing next week. And after BMT is where we'll begin the hardship proper.

2 things I learnt so far in army:

I can hold a full bladder over approximately 45 minutes for 4 klick.

The most versatile word in the English language, effectively a noun, verb, pronoun, adjective, conjunction, which can bring out the meaning in any phrase, sentence or figure of speech, is a vulgarity. Pity.

Saturday, June 02, 2007

-

Realised that my social circle is rather small nowadays.

Got my NS buddies in camp.

Then got the guys in church when I book out.

Got my family and thank God for them.

And that's it.

That does not strike me as being too healthy.

Went for a lil jog with Caleb along East Coast. Went for YPM. And still feel dry.

Friday, June 01, 2007

Assessment

It's been about a month and a half since I became a soldier. The hair came off, along with most of my civilian life. Been through lots of tough training. Much more of it to come. Last week's training drained me physically, mentally and even spiritually. I'm not as close to God as I should be. I don't really feel safe.

Saturdays and Sundays are rushed pleasant interludes. Yeah, I still keep up praying to God every morn, even in camp. Usually 0500 to 0535. But these days it's getting more and more dry. Even after I come home I feel dry. I hate this dryness. I can survive all the physical and mental torture but I cannot bear being far from the One I have known and worshipped since childhood.

I do not know if I've done well through BMT so far. Only know that God has been good to me... and that I need God so much more each day. And I feel like I'm slowly slipping away each day. It does not help that about half of those who are Christians in my platoon started scolding vulgarities and indulging in crude sexual talk a few weeks back. It does not help that I cannot really rely on my Christian brothers here. That forces me to God... and I feel as if I hardly know my God these days.

Jaded. Small. Alone, save a God who's behind an iron ceiling. Lord smash that please?