Not that I agree or disagree with all of these. But I find some parts hilarious. And since I'm neither attached or married it's perfectly safe to post this!
Haha. Guys, enjoy.
"My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher."
"When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her."
"My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe."
"Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means."
"I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her."
"A married man should forget his mistakes; no use two people remembering the same thing."