Wednesday, August 24, 2005

hmph

Lord.

I'm tired.

You know I'm tired.

What now, Lord?

What happens when a servant of the Most High God becomes tired spiritually, physically, emotionally?

What happens?

What happens...

What happens... ....

It's so familiar, this tiredness.

So familiar, this ol' frustration. Frustration with schoolwork. Frustration with friends. Frustration with systems, with everything that's standing between me and a good rest.

God?

Are you there?

How?

How?

How?

Yes. I know you'll bring me through. Perhaps that's all that I need to know.

I somehow wish I owned an old cottage on a tall cliff extending into the clouds, where there is just God and me.

Then I'd go out each time I feel frustrated, stand at the edge of the cliff and shout from the bottom of my lungs... heh. That's the thing with HDB flats, can't shout when you feel frustrated. Most you can do is hold a pillow to your mouth and give a muffled shout, which doesn't really feel like a shout.

Till the day I own an old cottage... well, I suppose I'll have to carry on.

Correction. God will carry me on.

Thanks for reading, y'all.

Sunday, August 21, 2005

Learning

I am still learning. Learning from God and the people and circumstances God sent to teach me.

Just to share.


"So then, anyone who hears these words of mine and obeys them is like a wise man who built his house on rock. The rain poured down, the rivers flooded over, and the wind blew hard against that house. But it did not fall, because it was built on rock. "But anyone who hears these words of mine and does not obey them is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. The rain poured down, the rivers flooded over, the wind blew hard against that house, and it fell. And what a terrible fall that was!"

-Matthew 7:24-27

God has given us a lot. Sometimes it's a position, sometimes it's a talent. Whatever it is, God must still be the rock on which we build our houses. All that He has given us must never ever become our foundation. If we take refuge in things such as the past successes in our life (and they are God-given, mind you), then it is as good as building our house on the sand.

There is no substitute for God.


"Do not judge others, so that God will not judge you, for God will judge you in the same way you judge others, and he will apply to you the same rules you apply to others. Why, then, do you look at the speck in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the log in your own eye? How dare you say to your brother, 'Please, let me take that speck out of your eye,' when you have a log in your own eye? You hypocrite! First take the log out of your own eye, and then you will be able to see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye.

-Matthew 7:1-5

This one who doesn't know.

But as of late, I've been that hypocrite there. It's good to question and all, but I have logS in my eyeS. I know that. So many things. I know I shouldn't judge.

I'm super super skeptical at times, super super cynical. heh. My discipleship group knows that.

Suppose God will change that at his own time.

For now I'm studying.

Studying studying studying.

Thursday, August 18, 2005

Right now

Right now I'm eating some stuff in front of the com after dinner. It's been a crazily busy period in my life. Just thought I'd take 5 to make a post.

Been busy with Econs business project. Which is an optional project in my school, for which the objective is profit maximisation and 10% goes back to the school. This one's crazy, cuz we were informed only on Friday that our proposal was accepted. Started on this Monday. Doing some auctions, personalised tee shirts and coconuts. Coconuts saw me and Firdaus (my business kar-kia) shouting in the canteen. Something like LAI AH LAI AH!!! SWEET SWEET COCONUT!!!! $1.50 $1.50!!!!! Very buay pai seh of us to do this, I know. But we really enjoyed ourselves.

Been busy with emceeing for Council and CCA Heads Investiture. Had to piece together a script last week. (eh, not emcees' job to write script y'know). Got back an accepted version only this morning. Then me and my co-MC, Chen Yu did emceeing today, the real thing, mind you. Heh heh. Really disorganized, the planning of the council investiture. Even the GOH wasn't assigned anyone to guide her around. Then after that this teacher came to me asking me why I'd left out presenting the GOH a souvenir in the script. Turned out that it wasn't even in the script. But all that being said (and I'm NOT complaining), the councillors are nice people. Enjoyed working with quite a few of them. My old comrade-in-arms Andrew and Wen Jie. Vincent, Wen E, Yvonne, Rahul.... dah dah dah. So many of them.

Been busy with schoolwork. C maths especially. Far behind in terms of assignments. Just pay almost full attention in class. Know it's not too good of me... heh. At least I don't lie. I tell my C Maths teacher straight that I don't do her assignments, when I don't do them.

Been busy with project work. Written report coming up soon. Workshops and all that stuff.

Been busy with people-stuff. I guess God's shaping me up in this area. I'm not a peoples' person, but I believe God knows that and is doing what He knows is best. Meetin many new people. Working with them. Having conflict with friends over certain matters. Seeing the ugly side of people. And thank God, seeing the good side of many others, when the going gets tough. Getting to know my current friends (especially ODAC) better, meeting up with old friends- Montfort people, meeting ancient friends (haha was walking home when I saw my old friend Li Ru. Haven't seen her for like 2 years! Which is a mystery to me, cuz she lives in the block next to mine... suppose our lifestyles and timing very different).

And yeah, now it's time for QT with my Lord.

Lots of matters to settle with my Father in heaven. Lots. Lots I want to talk to God about.

gtg gtg gtg.

Sunday, August 14, 2005

What's up

A hectic week.

That's what.

Initially wanted to complain. But in place of that:

Do everything without arguing or complaining, so that you may be blameless and pure. Children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation in which you shines as stars do in the universe.

Philippians 2:14-15

Went to YPM today.

Felt a bit disconnected, but oh well.

Was being kinda cynical again. Analytical rather. My question:

How come the youth, when they go out to makan, are not evangelizing? Why don't we just take a few minutes off (Perhaps the half hour we take to make up our minds) to share Christ with some people across the street. There are so many unsaved people? Ok fine. Maybe it's too hard. But when we eat, is it too hard to do extremely simple things like thanking the aunty for cleaning the table, handing her a tract and asking her to visit us?

And yeah, I admit. It's hard. I tried inviting this hawker uncle to church. (He picked up Caleb Lim's wallet, so we struck up a conversation). the uncle ended up telling me to ask all my friends to eat at his coffeeshop. Told me his Sundays were busy- business is best on Sunday.

grunt.

Right now it's 12:04. Means it's a new day!! What am I still doing awake? Typing out some emcee script. I realised lately that God's been letting me have chances to do lots of stuff. Emceeing for 2 events, doing an econs business project, which you get to keep 90% of profit earned, 2 essay competitions of 2000 words each, an NUS Chancellor's Quiz preliminary round... etc.

Just means I got a lot lah.

And that's on top of studies and ODAC.

...One part of the day I can't live without is QT. Turn off my hp. Spend a half hour with God. Nobody else. Just me in my room. Bible. Guitar. (as a sidenote, I don't sing well or play well)

Need to study for promos... thank God too for a supportive Mom and Dad.

Bro just booked out from OCS. yikes* They got books to study in there too. Came back talking about homework. yikes* yikes* yikes*. Thought NS was without books. Which was why I looked forward to it. I know it's tough, and I'll probably find it tough then, but right now some stuff in NS seems more rewarding than right now.

But right now also quite good lah. So many many friends. Very busy only.

Some time back I made the choice that I did not want to compartmentalise God. I think God should be a Christian's entire life, not just part of it. Anyone who says that God is a part of his or her life, or a big part ought to think again. God should own our lives. Be everything our life is about.

hee. A bit disorganised, this post.

But I'm tired physically now.

Caleb thinks I should get a tag board. yawn*. Should I? guess so. Some other time.

Right now its Econs, C maths, History, emceeing.

hahahaah. One of my 2000 word essays is about education. heh heh heh. Gonna write some super super super negative stuff about formal education. Gonna find some stuff to blast it as much as I can. Nvm that that one's going to be submitted to NTU. Let those there enjoy. (heard some uni lecturers criticize the system too... think Samson told me)

with that

buay buay. night night.

---------Running after God. Trying to at least.

Friday, August 12, 2005

Falling.

Sure is hard to run after God and fall due to the error of your own ways.

Sometimes when you fall you wonder whether you'll ever get up again.

Sometimes you don't even feel like getting up.

But then if God has provided in the past, then He will provide for the future. And all the strength I need will come from Him alone.

Just as an encouragement to all. If you've fallen lately, you're not alone.

Me too. (which is kinda obvious)

And I know (not just believe) that God's gonna raise us all up again. Blind faith, it seems at times. But well-placed faith, I know.

I need prayer for: schoolwork & victory over Satan & more friends... especially Christian friends in school.

Thursday, August 11, 2005

The everyday struggle

The everyday struggle. Struggle with temptations. Struggle with sin. Struggle with schoolwork.

Yeah. Christians are supposed to bear their cross daily. I know my Lord went through far worse.

I also know that the Devil has a fire brigade, which goes into action each time a Christian is on fire for God.

So much knowledge.

Knowledge alone isn't going to help... total reliance on God is. And that's the tough part. The irony. The toughest part is the easiest part.


God says, "I will save those who love me and will protect those who acknowledge me as LORD.
When they call to me, I will answer them; when they are in trouble, I will be with them. I will rescue them and honor them.
I will reward them with long life; I will save them."
-Psalm 91:14-16

Saturday, August 06, 2005

one week

Been a looooong one week.

Each morning I wake up to the crazy ringing of my alarm clock. (It's not the newer beep-beep-beep type, but the old crrrrrrrriiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnngggggg type of fire-alarm alarm clock.), reason being that this kind of clock can literally make you sit up in bed and make sure you wake up (the newer type of clock doesn't always succeed in waking me up... figured that I can sleep real soundly).

The first thing I do.

Is to pray.

It's not a long "O-God-you-are-so-great-today-is-such-a-good-day-I-feel-blessed-to-be-a-Christian-and-I-look-forward-to-today" prayer, but a short "God-I'm-so-tired-bring-me-through-this-day"

As I walk to school past the neighbourhood park I do that too.

I pray.

I pray "God this week is so long. Mr so-and-so is giving me so much homework. Please help me to finish it"

As I get on the bus I pray.

And I ask for help yet again.

Yet it has now occured to me, after many many days that I have not said one thing in the morning.

And that is "thank you Lord", with a heart that truly means "thank you"

I never thanked the Lord for the hand that reached out to switch off the alarm clock.

I never thanked God for the body that sat up straight in bed.

I never thanked God for the legs I had as I walked to the bus stop.

I never thanked God for the small little flowers, the trees, the grass, or the fact that I could see them all.

I never thanked God for so many things...

Never even thanked Him for bringing me through the last day, or the day before that, or the one before that.

Dear Lord God.

Thank you so much.

For everything.