Tuesday, July 12, 2005

Some things just can't be expressed

Finished my ODAC camp last weekend. Consisted of a night trek where we had to build a compass from a fridge magnet and a needle and anything else we could find, and find our way around using an unmarked map. (They brought us to Lim Chu Kang area. Relatively rural for Singapore. A few farms.) Then we pitched our tents at Kranji Beach. Kayaked 16 klicks the next day. Extremely calm weather. No kick at all for the camp.

What I'm about to say next.... I really don't know whether it should be said. I don't know who reads my blog... but hey, I've got nothing to hide.

In ODAC I've been feeling kind of under-valued. I didn't get into excom, for one. Perhaps it was because they did the peer appraisal way before I managed to really settle in and be myself in ODAC. I feel that I did manage to perform when I was given positions of temporary leadership, though the peer appraisals were already completed by then anyway.

Perhaps it's because I've always been accustomed to 2 things throughout the last 2 years of my time in Montfort. 2 interests which I truly enjoy (and I know how much I enjoy them now since I haven't been given the chance to do them lately)- leading and teaching.

I love to lead. I love to organize things, to work the group mechanics from the top. I love to learn from such a position. I learnt from my formulative years in Montfort NPCC what it takes to build a strong team- similar values, different personalities, different strengths, one direction.

I love to teach. It's a joy to see people learning. Whether it's teaching NPCC drill, or leadership skills, or physical instruction, or campcraft or sometimes teaching the junior lifesaving class, or the little I know about playing the guitar... it's something that makes me happy.

So far I haven't really gotten the chance to do that in ODAC. Leadership... they say that everyone gets to lead. Everyone will have their turn sooner or later, the excom is just the skeleton.... they say that not all the good people get to join the excom, that they need strong instructors as well. They say that having all the stronger members inside the excom will lead to a dysfunctional ODAC 22 com.

Ok. So I supposed I'm one of those picked to be left out. (ODAC 22 com consists of 17 members. Of which 9 are in excom).

I'm not trying to blame anybody. If anybody is to be responsible, it'd be myself. During the first 3 months in the 2nd term I wasn't really myself. Couldn't really clique with many people. Felt very left out and isolated (I guess it showed), which made me even more left out and isolated. No thanks that certain members come from the same class and I'm the only person from my OG and my class and my Secondary School in ODAC. No thanks also that I was over-cautious and didn't want to get myself emotionally hurt, that in Montfort it's so different because you spend 10 years in the same school and there's an unspoken form of communication and understanding amongst everybody.

I'm not trying to complain either. It's just how I feel.

I know God's in charge, that ultimately, nothing will happen unless He allows it to be so. I don't know why things took such a turn... it feels strange to do more following than leading... (but then again you can learn different things when you follow).

Academically, I ain't doing too well either. Got a D for Econs and F for C maths ( think I mentioned it somewhere).

But then again I still have so many friends... my classmates... ODACians... church friends... ol' lifesaving friends... ol' Montfort friends (who still are so warm whenever I see them on the bus or anywhere else)... ol' NPCC buddies. I have a great family, comfortable and abundant life... All is not lost... in fact nothing is lost; I just didn't get something I hoped for. So much God has given me.

I choose to give thanks to God in my current circumstances. It's a choice. I just can't see ahead. Feel like a blindfolded man being led across a mountain edge. But then again I KNOW that God is with me. Though I can't always feel it. I don't know where my current situation will lead me... all I know is that God promised that it'd be something good. (Romans 8:28), that He's going to make it work for good for me.

1 year ago I made the choice not to become a CI in NPCC. My bro advised me against that. Advised me to become a CI and not join ODAC, cuz ODAC was really not for me.

Well. I decided to do things I'd thought of doing for a while back then- go learn lifesaving and join ODAC. Decided not to join ODAC since it would really do no justice to NPCC (wouldn't be able to spend so much time with them) and myself (hey! I need to study). I knew that ODAC wasn't going to be too easy... that I should expect the unexpected.

It appears that I'm sort of living out my decisions. But I must not forget the most important factor- God.

Heh. Chinese AO oral this Wednesday. Pray for me people.

*Tai Yong has left to do homework*


pamela said...

hey taiyong,

it's been some time since i read ur blog actually, havent had internet in my home since i've been back, just got it today actually. heh. i just got back from a trip with my mom in australia too...
Wow, seems like you've been really busy and so many things have happened, nvr really get the chance to hear from u personally or catch up =/ but thank God for blogs =)
didnt read everything since last time... but can see how God's been moulding and sustaining you thru it all... Keep your eyes on Him bro, He is our portion.

Catch up with you soon, for real. i'll be back in ypm, can't wait =)

tyong said...


thanks for reading