Thursday, July 28, 2005

...ramble ramble ramble aimlessly

Life's been fairly abundant in terms of blessings lately. It's the daily miracle, surviving these days, with school, ODAC and above all, my walk with God. Then there's also all the God related stuff. Discipleship group, which brings me lots of joy, prayer group in school... etc. One great blessing that people often overlook is the gift of everyday life. Just living alone is something to give thanks for. It's even amazing, come to think about it.

A passing thought:
In these years of youth, I know that I don't even know myself well enough. God knows me better.

In the process of drawing near to God...

Looong process it is.

Friday, July 22, 2005

Who am I?

Who am I, God, that you would choose to shower me with your blessings?

Who am I, that you would choose to forgive me despite the magnitude and sheer number of my sins?

Who am I, that I should even deserve to live and dwell in your love?

Who am I, that I should grumble and complain each time trials come my way or forget about you Lord, when life becomes so enjoyable?

Who am I to look upon another man and think of myself better than him?

I am only a man.

But yet you have adopted me into your house, Lord.

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A story (got it from somewhere)
A battleship had been at sea on maneuvers in heavy weather for several days. Visibility was poor because the fog was thick and patchy, so the captain of the ship remained on the bridge. Shortly after dark the ship's lookout reported seeing a light in the direction of the starboard bow. "Is it steady or moving astern?" asked the captain. "Steady, Captain," came the reply.
After further watch the captain knew that they were on a collision course with this other ship, so he called out to the signalman, "Signal that ship: We are on a collision course. Advise you change course 20 degrees." The signal was sent, and immediately one was returned. "Advisable for you to change course 20 degrees," was the reply. The captain quickly had another signal sent. "I am a captain. Change course 20 degrees." Once again a response came quickly. "I am a seaman second class. You had better change course 20 degrees." By this time the captain was furious, and he barked another signal. "I am a battleship. Change your course!" Back came a simple message. "I am a lighthouse."
Needless to say, the captain changed his course. Some things in life are constant and unchanging. They are the beacons that guide us throughout life. God's faithfulness is like that. We can bark and complain all we want, but in the end, we are the ones who will have to adjust our course.

Friday, July 15, 2005

TEst REsults

Results:

History O
Econs D
C maths F
GP E8
CLAO D7

Mood:

Yikes.

Action to be taken:

1) Pray and seek God
2) Study harder

Thursday, July 14, 2005

Lately....

Lately I've been tired.

Physically of school. Coming close to failing and failing subjects. ODAC life. Which has meetings like 4-5 days out of the week and can sometimes last till 8+ at night in school. Trying to finish homework (not so much because I would really want to, but because I'm failing those subjects.)

Mentally of school. argh. Keep telling myself I'm not a quitter. Feel like giving up sometimes on all my schoolwork and doing haphazard work for ODAC. But then again that wouldn't be keeping true to who I am or honouring God. Feel very pissed with friends and family members for the slightest things. Thank God I've been able not to show it at all and still treat them nicely. But it's so pressurizing right now that such simple things become strenuous.

Spiritually of a lack of quality time spent with God.

And life goes on.

P.S.: I need a bloody break. And to stop being so bloody tired. And to stop using the word bloody.

Bloody bloody bloody bloody bloody bloody bloody bloody bloody bloody bloody bloody bloody.

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

Some things just can't be expressed

Finished my ODAC camp last weekend. Consisted of a night trek where we had to build a compass from a fridge magnet and a needle and anything else we could find, and find our way around using an unmarked map. (They brought us to Lim Chu Kang area. Relatively rural for Singapore. A few farms.) Then we pitched our tents at Kranji Beach. Kayaked 16 klicks the next day. Extremely calm weather. No kick at all for the camp.

What I'm about to say next.... I really don't know whether it should be said. I don't know who reads my blog... but hey, I've got nothing to hide.

In ODAC I've been feeling kind of under-valued. I didn't get into excom, for one. Perhaps it was because they did the peer appraisal way before I managed to really settle in and be myself in ODAC. I feel that I did manage to perform when I was given positions of temporary leadership, though the peer appraisals were already completed by then anyway.

Perhaps it's because I've always been accustomed to 2 things throughout the last 2 years of my time in Montfort. 2 interests which I truly enjoy (and I know how much I enjoy them now since I haven't been given the chance to do them lately)- leading and teaching.

I love to lead. I love to organize things, to work the group mechanics from the top. I love to learn from such a position. I learnt from my formulative years in Montfort NPCC what it takes to build a strong team- similar values, different personalities, different strengths, one direction.

I love to teach. It's a joy to see people learning. Whether it's teaching NPCC drill, or leadership skills, or physical instruction, or campcraft or sometimes teaching the junior lifesaving class, or the little I know about playing the guitar... it's something that makes me happy.

So far I haven't really gotten the chance to do that in ODAC. Leadership... they say that everyone gets to lead. Everyone will have their turn sooner or later, the excom is just the skeleton.... they say that not all the good people get to join the excom, that they need strong instructors as well. They say that having all the stronger members inside the excom will lead to a dysfunctional ODAC 22 com.

Ok. So I supposed I'm one of those picked to be left out. (ODAC 22 com consists of 17 members. Of which 9 are in excom).

I'm not trying to blame anybody. If anybody is to be responsible, it'd be myself. During the first 3 months in the 2nd term I wasn't really myself. Couldn't really clique with many people. Felt very left out and isolated (I guess it showed), which made me even more left out and isolated. No thanks that certain members come from the same class and I'm the only person from my OG and my class and my Secondary School in ODAC. No thanks also that I was over-cautious and didn't want to get myself emotionally hurt, that in Montfort it's so different because you spend 10 years in the same school and there's an unspoken form of communication and understanding amongst everybody.

I'm not trying to complain either. It's just how I feel.

I know God's in charge, that ultimately, nothing will happen unless He allows it to be so. I don't know why things took such a turn... it feels strange to do more following than leading... (but then again you can learn different things when you follow).

Academically, I ain't doing too well either. Got a D for Econs and F for C maths ( think I mentioned it somewhere).

But then again I still have so many friends... my classmates... ODACians... church friends... ol' lifesaving friends... ol' Montfort friends (who still are so warm whenever I see them on the bus or anywhere else)... ol' NPCC buddies. I have a great family, comfortable and abundant life... All is not lost... in fact nothing is lost; I just didn't get something I hoped for. So much God has given me.

I choose to give thanks to God in my current circumstances. It's a choice. I just can't see ahead. Feel like a blindfolded man being led across a mountain edge. But then again I KNOW that God is with me. Though I can't always feel it. I don't know where my current situation will lead me... all I know is that God promised that it'd be something good. (Romans 8:28), that He's going to make it work for good for me.

1 year ago I made the choice not to become a CI in NPCC. My bro advised me against that. Advised me to become a CI and not join ODAC, cuz ODAC was really not for me.

Well. I decided to do things I'd thought of doing for a while back then- go learn lifesaving and join ODAC. Decided not to join ODAC since it would really do no justice to NPCC (wouldn't be able to spend so much time with them) and myself (hey! I need to study). I knew that ODAC wasn't going to be too easy... that I should expect the unexpected.

It appears that I'm sort of living out my decisions. But I must not forget the most important factor- God.

Heh. Chinese AO oral this Wednesday. Pray for me people.

*Tai Yong has left to do homework*

Friday, July 08, 2005

Overtraining!!

Over Training
Over training (staleness, over fatigue, chronic fatigue, over training syndrome) is a rather usual problem among athletes. The physiological homeostasis of an over trained athlete's body has become disturbed. Regulatory mechanisms of the body can not return back to the balance during the one or two days which is a normal recovery time.

At first the over training state can be mild, and if an athlete rests, his body recovers fast. Later it may be more severe, and an athlete will be exhausted. The exhaustion is typical for experienced endurance athletes, who usually react in this way. Overtraining-like states can also be induced by mental, social, economical and environmental stress. These factors together with physical training cause total stress which influences on the body.
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Highly motivated athletes have to keep in mind that the balance between training, other stressors and recovery has to be right, i.e., they have to periodisize their training in the right way. If there is an uncompleted recovery time after exercises, fatigue starts to accumulate and after a few days or weeks symptoms of over training with a drop in performance will arise. As a result, recovery may take weeks or months.

Signs and symptoms of over training vary from athlete to athlete. The symptoms and signs are due to changes in the function of the autonomic nervous system, hormonal status, immunological parameters and other physiological and musculoskeletal changes of the body. Typically, an athlete feels tiredness and fatigue and notices a drop or stagnation in performance despite of continuing training.

Examples of psychological and psychosomatic over training signs and symptoms:
depression, fatigue, irritability, bad mood, anxiousness, confusion, excitement, desperation, lack of concentration
unwillingness to train
feeling of inability to go on training
sleeping problems
bad appetite
shaking hands
abnormal sweating
palpitation
nausea
dizziness
Examples of physiological over training signs and symptoms:
increased resting and sub maximal heart rate (resting heart rate can also be decreased in over training state)
muscle soreness
decreased maximal heart rate
menstrual irregularities
decreased performance
loss of strength
increased illness and injury frequency
loss of co-ordination

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Heeeee. Nowhere that bad yet. But over-trained a bit over the past 2 weeks or so. Need to recuperate now.
Lately:
-Got F for C maths. 16.5 out of 65. Must start to study (and pray) real hard.
-Got an ODAC camp this weekend.
-Can't remember what else I wanted to say cuz I'm so tired. -_-

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

Right now

Right now.

Doing ok. Still alive.

Back to school. Common test results don't seem to be too good. Promos in October.

Spiritually a bit dry right now.

In ODAC I didn't get any excom posting. Good and bad. But the main thing is that God allowed it to happen and all things work together for the good of His people. (Rom. 8:28).

Just to let all out there know I'm still alive. Still soldiering on.

Out.

Monday, July 04, 2005

Psalm 139

Psa 139:1 LORD, you have examined me and you know me.
Psa 139:2 You know everything I do; from far away you understand all my thoughts.
Psa 139:3 You see me, whether I am working or resting; you know all my actions.
Psa 139:4 Even before I speak, you already know what I will say.
Psa 139:5 You are all around me on every side; you protect me with your power.
Psa 139:6 Your knowledge of me is too deep; it is beyond my understanding.
Psa 139:7 Where could I go to escape from you? Where could I get away from your presence?
Psa 139:8 If I went up to heaven, you would be there; if I lay down in the world of the dead, you would be there.
Psa 139:9 If I flew away beyond the east or lived in the farthest place in the west,
Psa 139:10 you would be there to lead me, you would be there to help me.
Psa 139:11 I could ask the darkness to hide me or the light around me to turn into night,
Psa 139:12 but even darkness is not dark for you, and the night is as bright as the day. Darkness and light are the same to you.
Psa 139:13 You created every part of me; you put me together in my mother's womb.
Psa 139:14 I praise you because you are to be feared; all you do is strange and wonderful. I know it with all my heart.
Psa 139:15 When my bones were being formed, carefully put together in my mother's womb, when I was growing there in secret, you knew that I was there---
Psa 139:16 you saw me before I was born. The days allotted to me had all been recorded in your book, before any of them ever began.
Psa 139:17 O God, how difficult I find your thoughts; how many of them there are!
Psa 139:18 If I counted them, they would be more than the grains of sand. When I awake, I am still with you.
Psa 139:19 O God, how I wish you would kill the wicked! How I wish violent people would leave me alone!
Psa 139:20 They say wicked things about you; they speak evil things against your name.
Psa 139:21 O LORD, how I hate those who hate you! How I despise those who rebel against you!
Psa 139:22 I hate them with a total hatred; I regard them as my enemies.
Psa 139:23 Examine me, O God, and know my mind; test me, and discover my thoughts.
Psa 139:24 Find out if there is any evil in me and guide me in the everlasting way.